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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Embryos in storage

127 replies

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:42

I realise this might not be the right place to post, but also wary of upsetting other parents or people struggling with fertility.
My situation is: 5/6 years ago I had cancer and had to go through chemo, the doctors advised going through part of the IVF process to store my eggs incase the chemo killed all opportunity of having more kids. Info: I had one child who was 8 months old and I was 36 years old. When we went through the process, they took my husbands sperm and found he had a low sperm count and so decided to make embryos for a better chance. I had to get onto the chemo pretty quickly and this was all pretty rushed and I didn't think things through properly, didn't know the right questions to ask and I suppose we just went with what the doctors suggested.

It turned out that I had 15 embryos, which is a lot.
So problem 1: I have been informed that we now need to consider whether we let them "succumb" or keep storing (there is no option for scientific research). Husband and I have now separated so there is definitely no chance to have another baby (we did actually have another one a year after chemo, naturally). I am very upset to let them go, but can't see the point of keeping them. Ex wants to keep them and his reason is - problem 2: If either of our kids (or his two from previous marriage) have problems having kids, there are embryos to help them. I think this is awful and so wrong and I do not want to do this. Please tell me what you think and with reasons, AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:57

2014, I asked for the options I had, they gave me the options to either store or destroy. Anyway, I thought you were leaving the thread.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/10/2017 12:58

Termination of 15 embryos who could make someones dream come true

IMO I think the op should do what she feels is best for her personally. It is not her responsibility to make someone's dreams come true.

Lots of millionaires out there, if they handed me a big cheque, that would make my dreams come true. They are under no obligation to though and I certainly don't think they are being selfish by not writing me out a big fat cheque!

SeaToSki · 21/10/2017 12:59

It doesnt sound like this is a decision you have to make right now. Since it isn't clear cut for you, and your ex has a differing view, I would be inclined to postpone the decision for a couple of years until things have settled down between you and your ex. Maybe time will give you both clarity.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 12:59

That's another rid comparison
🙄former babe if they tore up the cheque and set fire to the money rather than donate it what would you think

Joinourclub · 21/10/2017 13:00

have to say I this it's totally heartless to destroy embryos that could help other couples. You know the pain of infertility and you could help other couples but are choosing not to. I can't countenance such selfishness leaving the thread it's too ghastly.

I don't think that's fair. Yes OP has embryos in the 'bank' that would potentially help others. But doing so has emotional repercussions for her. And her existing children.

I have £1000 in the bank I'm not using, should I give that away?

AccrualIntentions · 21/10/2017 13:01

Well yes obviously they don't use them in the local area. It's sad op hadn't even investigated this properly. Termination of 15 embryos who could make someones dream come true.

That is not the OP's responsibility. I assume you apply equal pressure to the people you know who have been able to conceive naturally to have babies specifically so they can be adopted by childless couples? Or act as surrogates? This sort of guilt tripping is completely inappropriate on a thread where the OP is facing a really difficult decision. I say that as someone who faced a lot of difficulty conceiving. Not that this should give my opinion any more validity.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 13:03

More stupid comparisons, @Joinourclub yes you should give the £1000 away if the alternative is to destroy it. How can you think otherwise. Rubbish comparison but even by your own skewed logic it can't make sense to destroy money rather than donate it.
🙄🙄🙄🙄

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 13:03

That's another rid comparison
🙄former babe if they tore up the cheque and set fire to the money rather than donate it what would you think

I'd think it a stupid thing to do but it's there's to do what they wish with it. An embryo is more emotive than money so someone's choice not to donate it would not be based on many reasons not just pure stupidity like ripping up cash would be.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 13:05

Don't agree. An embryo is worth much help more than cash.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 13:05

If someone terminated 15 pregnancies what would you think?

ScipioAfricanus · 21/10/2017 13:11

Soup I should have clarified - I agree that adoption is often suggested as an option for unwanted pregnancy- I mean when people talk about children of infertile vs fertile people they do tend to do so differently. So no one seriously suggests that someone fertile should purposely have another child and donate it to a childless couple. (Some) People say all the time to infertile people ‘you should be happy with one’ or ‘why are you spending all that money on IVF when you already have a child?’ but they themselves didn’t feel the need to stop at one child (because they could have another) or question if they could afford c. £100k to bring a child up. A lot of double standards are routinely applied (in my experience).

Original poster
APomInOz · 21/10/2017 13:11

That's hurtful 2014, I didn't get pregnant 15 times and terminate. I was put in a position where I was having to make a decision on the spot about having the eggs and sperm made into embryos. Not asking for sympathy, but I was also dealing with the fact I had to look forward to chemo. Lots of things going on in my brain and now I have to deal with this.

OP posts:
ScipioAfricanus · 21/10/2017 13:12

2014 I would think 15 terminated pregnancies were none of my business and probably hard made decisions.

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 13:12

If someone terminated 15 pregnancies what would you think?

I wouldn't think anything. It's none of my business and doesn't affect me. HTH

iBiscuit · 21/10/2017 13:14

Am I selfish because I've never donated eggs? Is my dp selfish for having "wasted" literally millions and millions of sperm?

Donating the embryos would be a kind thing to do, but not feeling able to is completely understandable. I think I'd feel the same tbh.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 13:14

Nobody is saying you did op but you have a difficult choice complicated by the fact you are no longer with your ex and I don't think you have looked at all the options. although it may be hard to reach an agreement together.

Brienne · 21/10/2017 13:16

OP
I just came on to say that I really understand your problems with donating them and I really understand your problems with destroying them.
Given that you have had such a difficult time and your Ex is being weird perhaps the best decision is to decide not to decide at the moment? Take the pressure off things and review in a year?
Good luck with it all.

JaimesGoldenHand · 21/10/2017 13:18

We were in this position but did have the option to donate to research. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. In my mind those embryos were my babies and I didn't want to donate them or let them succumb. I didn't want to make any decision frankly. Since we didn't actually want any more children, after much heartache we decided to donate the embryos to research rather than face the same decision year after year (you effectively had to renew the storage annually). I still think about them. I'm crying writing this.

OP there's no right answer. Go with your gut. But your Ex's idea isn't workable.

Original poster
APomInOz · 21/10/2017 13:19

Thank you, I think the best advice from many of you, is to leave the decision for now. I seem to have upset a couple of people which was never my intention, but I guess I should have expected it. It's a horrible subject and decision to be facing.

OP posts:
allegretto · 21/10/2017 13:20

could make someones dream come true

What crap! It is not up to her to makes someone's dreams come true, and if she did donate, it could be at the expense of her own well-being. It is a difficult choice OP, don't let anyone bully you into a decision.

Original poster
APomInOz · 21/10/2017 13:21

Jaimes - I understand you. I cried so much when I got the letter to make that decision. I've been up and down with my thoughts and emotions.

OP posts:
Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 13:23

Sorry I meant to add to my last post for anyone considering embryo donation there are also such things as "open adoption" where you would actually be kept up to date on wether a pregnancy and later a baby resulted from your embryos and also have information about the child through their life. We actually "interviewed " potential couples in the USA and many were very open to this arrangement. Again Im just putting this here incase anyone looking into this reads this. There's very little info on this subject and not many people discuss it but lots of people in ops position sadly.

TheVanguardSix · 21/10/2017 13:23

Flowers What a hell of a lot you've dealt with OP. Congratulations on getting through cancer and brutal chemo. Congratulations on your children. I will only say this much, your ex... well, yes he's on acid. Wink His thoughts are totally skewed. But you know what, divorce makes the most rational person loopy. We get possessive of our children in divorce and I suppose this extends to embryos as well. I don't envy you. It's very tough to have to deal with all of this. Very tough and emotional.

Donate. I think that's the best you can do with this very emotional situation.

blue2014 · 21/10/2017 13:26

Give over @2014newme - you’re being cruel now and there is no need for it. OP made this decision in her life when she must have felt pressured and scared. She had a new Baby and was presumably fighting for her life. She’s now clearly struggling so doesn’t need you plowing in with your agenda

I too had fertility problems, it took 4 years and eventually ICSI to conceive DS. I would have considered DE if I had needed to. But would I have donated my own? No. I wouldn’t. I’m sorry, I realise that’s entirely contradictory but I just couldn’t spend every minute wondering what had become of them and if they were loved and happy. I just couldn’t have done it (we had no spare embryos so I didn’t have to decide) so please don’t play the infertility card here. I was on the infertility boards for a long time and many others there wouldn’t be laying into the OP in this way either.

You said you were leaving the thread, if this is so hard for you I suggest you do so. You’re not helping anyone here.

Mintychoc1 · 21/10/2017 13:27

In your situation OP I would store them for another 5 years, in the hope that things seemed a bit clearer to me by then. Time usually resolves all decisions.