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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Embryos in storage

127 replies

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:42

I realise this might not be the right place to post, but also wary of upsetting other parents or people struggling with fertility.
My situation is: 5/6 years ago I had cancer and had to go through chemo, the doctors advised going through part of the IVF process to store my eggs incase the chemo killed all opportunity of having more kids. Info: I had one child who was 8 months old and I was 36 years old. When we went through the process, they took my husbands sperm and found he had a low sperm count and so decided to make embryos for a better chance. I had to get onto the chemo pretty quickly and this was all pretty rushed and I didn't think things through properly, didn't know the right questions to ask and I suppose we just went with what the doctors suggested.

It turned out that I had 15 embryos, which is a lot.
So problem 1: I have been informed that we now need to consider whether we let them "succumb" or keep storing (there is no option for scientific research). Husband and I have now separated so there is definitely no chance to have another baby (we did actually have another one a year after chemo, naturally). I am very upset to let them go, but can't see the point of keeping them. Ex wants to keep them and his reason is - problem 2: If either of our kids (or his two from previous marriage) have problems having kids, there are embryos to help them. I think this is awful and so wrong and I do not want to do this. Please tell me what you think and with reasons, AIBU??

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:10

What a tough dilemma.

I think I would donate them, although I do understand why you struggle with this option and have discounted it. I think this is the option I would struggle least with and letting them "succumb" as you put it seems worse and saving them for your children is just bizarre.

It's difficult to make a hypothetical decision though as, obviously, there are no emotional ties.

Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 12:13

Its a really sad part of IVF that the clinics really dont discuss with patients that you may face this dilemma at some point. The aim is to get them embryos and when you end up with "too many" people are left in this awful predicament. I can honestly say I thought about my last remaining embryo every single day for 4 years and absolute agonised over that decision ( medical complications with first twin pregnancy) Went as far as speaking to potential adopters. I couldn't part with him in the end and he is now my 2 year old who is my absolute joy . But I really feel for you op because with 15 of them thats a no win situation. A lot of the clinics have counsellors who could maybe provide some help.

BeeFarseer · 21/10/2017 12:17

I've withdrawn my posts - not happy about the way the thread is going with all the judgement and 'Oh, just donate them!'. It's not as simple as that, FFS.

OP, I do hope you can chat to the clinic and get them on board to help you chat with your ex about what your options realistically are.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:20

Who said it was simple??

AccrualIntentions · 21/10/2017 12:23

It sounds as though your separation is still relatively recent, and this is a huge decision to be facing at the same time.

I don't think what your husband is suggesting is possible even if it was desirable, but I can see the merit in buying yourselves a bit more time to make this really difficult decision.

Spikeyball · 21/10/2017 12:24

It is wonderful that people do donate embryos to others but no one should be 'expected' to do it. People who conceive naturally aren't expected to donate their children to others.

BeeFarseer · 21/10/2017 12:28

SoupDragon, maybe simple was the wrong word. I'm not looking for an argument. This isn't the thread for me, I posted to support the OP because I've been in her situation and it wasn't very nice to read that I was 'selfish', 'heartless' and 'ghastly'. I'm actually quite upset. This is my last post now.

P.S. I make your flapjacks all the time, they're amazing.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:31

People who conceive naturally aren't expected to donate their children to others.

Adoption is always mentioned on unwanted pregnancy threads.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:34

to anyone who's struggled with this decision from either end of it

SleepFreeZone · 21/10/2017 12:34

There is no good option here. If you donate then potentially 15 of your children will be walking the earth being raised by total strangers. Full siblings to your children. Would they have the ability to find you in the future? I don't know how this stuff works but it sounds like a very large can of worms to me.

Alternatively you let the clinic dispose of them. Could you have a ceremony I wonder, some way of saying a goodbye? Again I don't know how this stuff works and whether it has to be seen as clinical waste or could they be passed to a funeral director or similar?

Spikeyball · 21/10/2017 12:35

I don't think it should be. There is also a difference between mentioning embryo donation and saying someone is a horrible person if they don't do it. Which one poster has done.

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 12:39

I have to say I this it's totally heartless to destroy embryos that could help other couples. You know the pain of infertility and you could help other couples but are choosing not to. I can't countenance such selfishness leaving the thread it's too ghastly

What nonsense. Do you think women who have abortions are being selfish? I mean, they could give birth and give their baby up to one of these infertile couples couldn't they? There's also loads of blokes walking round with healthy sperm, are they being selfish is they don't become sperm donors? I would never ever donate my eggs. Am I being selfish to infertile people?

ScipioAfricanus · 21/10/2017 12:39

It’s a very personal decision about whether to donate or not and no one should be judged for how they feel (same as in unwanted pregnancy). I have infertility but I couldn’t donate embryos (I don’t think - haven’t been in that position) - I would feel like they were my children if born and I couldn’t do it. Yet I obviously know the pain of infertility well. In this case, with 15, it’s even harder. I hope you can come to a decision which brings you both as little pain as possible.

I love what Spikey says about those that conceive naturally - it’s very true.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2017 12:42

I don't really agree with the destruction of embryos. I think the best moral thing IMHO would be to donate them to childless people. I wouldn't keep them in case some member of the family might want to use them. And if they don't you are in the same dilemma again.

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 12:43

Oh and as harsh as this may sound, no one owes anything to random, infertile people... no matter how awful that situation is.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:45

I love what Spikey says about those that conceive naturally - it’s very true.

It isn't true though. Rightly or wrongly, adoption is often brought up on threads about unwanted pregnancies.

Deux · 21/10/2017 12:45

Well your ex DH is living in Lalaland.

If your DH will not consent to the embryos being allowed to perish then your only option is to continue to store and then the decision will be out of your hands in 5 years time. Don't forget that not all the embryos will survive the thaw process.

However you will both need to sign consent.

If you and your ex DH are of such differing opinions I think it would be prudent to send a letter to your clinic setting out the circumstances and your concerns so that it is on file that you are divorcing.

I say this in light of the recent case where the ex wife forged her ex husband's signature. Though I'm sure that case will see a tightening up of processes.

bengalcat · 21/10/2017 12:45

It would seem sensible to keep them in storage at the moment while you both decide what to do with them . Your options should include keep stored although 10yrs is usually the maximum time , donate to another infertile couple , defrost and allow nature to take its course , donate to research . You would both need to be in agreement with ' their fate ' ideally although after the maximum storage period the clinic would need to take them out of storage and existence . Clinics would prefer guidance from ' the embryos owner/ creators ' on that one rather than opting for the aforementioned . Options for the fate of stored embryos including the dilemma of differences of opinion when a relationship breaks down should be discussed at the time of their creation and cold storage .

GherkinSnatch · 21/10/2017 12:46

I have to agree with @formerbabe.

I’m sorry you’re having to think about this, OP. Your ex is batshit to think that your children parenting their full siblings would ever be an option - ethically or legally.

Original poster

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:48

SoupDragon - I hear you. I talking about 15 embryos, who would be donated, I'm guessing, around my area as it's a private clinic. I would always be wondering if that child who has similarities to mine, is actually mine!

I'm really struggling. Not an option I ever thought I would have.

OP posts:

Original poster

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:51

Thank you to all the support out there. I really appreciate it. Much love to you all.

OP posts:

Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 12:51

Op just on the embryo donation bit they wouldnt be donated locally it would be to another country. When I looked into it we were looking at the USA and there are a lot of agencies there who facilitate this. But if this is something you have disregarded then the details dont really matter. Just putting this here incase anyone else looking for info is reading this

2014newme · 21/10/2017 12:54

Well yes obviously they don't use them in the local area. It's sad op hadn't even investigated this properly. Termination of 15 embryos who could make someones dream come true.
To the poster who made the ridiculous comment about people who conceive naturally not being asked to give e their children away the comparison is crazy however, if someone had 15 children they didn't want then of course they would be given away not killed.

Original poster

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:55

Colin, really? That's something that interests me, I need to ask more questions of the clinic. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 12:56

No probs all the best whatever you decide

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