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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose to have one child

95 replies

Sarahh2014 · 21/10/2017 10:25

Me and dh are both 37 I had ds at 32 I had a v painful pregnancy and a traumatic labour..these factors have contributed to our decision to only have one child..the thing is we've had so many people saying things such as oh have another so ds has someone to play with,isn't lonely etc which gives me a huge amount of guilt..even from strangers!he has cousins and friends and goes to nursery so is v social but I do feel a bit sad for him that he won't have a sibling I grew up with a brother and dh has 3 siblings..has anyone else had just one child through choice and regretted it?

OP posts:

museumum · 21/10/2017 15:33

wintrywalk “as an adult, I’ll admit I am sometimes envious of those who spend a lot of time with their sister and their kids or whoever...”
Me too. But I have a brother. We just have nothing in common. He lives a few miles away and I’ve seen him maybe twice this year - our parents birthdays.
Siblings are not in any way guaranteed friends or even companions.

celticmissey · 21/10/2017 15:39

I am an only child and I have only one child - more through medical reasons I will admit but I have lost count of the number of times my daughter has come home from playdates saying she is glad she has no brother or sister because her friends and their siblings fight and argue quite often when she is on a playdate. I have a lot of friends who have one child - mainly through choice or having them late in life. These little ones have lots of friends, cousins and to be honest listening to other friends with more than one child rushing around like headless chickens etc etc I must admit I am glad that I can concentrate on just one child.

BertrandRussell · 21/10/2017 15:46

Disclaimer: - I am posting in the hope that this is a discussion thread and people won't take things too personally!

I think that this- "I must admit I am glad that I can concentrate on just one child." - is one of the reasons children, in an ideal world, shouldn''t be onlies. I don't think children should be concentrated on too much!

MiaowMix · 21/10/2017 16:08

Bertrand yes, I do know what it means.
Thanks.
I think your post implied a judgement of onlies.

"Shouldn't be only children".

Why not?

celticmissey · 21/10/2017 16:10

What a ridiculous comment! There are many reasons why children are onlies. I am simply saying that trying to manage a homelife, work life and school life with one child is just about all I can comfortably stay organised with. other people can manage better with more than one and others struggle. Everybody's situation is different isn't it?

mirime · 21/10/2017 16:11

YANBU. I had horrendous sickness when I was pregnant - no idea if it was 'just' very severe morning sickness or at the less severe end of HG as I was fobbed off or met with incomprehension. Then I had pre eclampsia and a traumatic induction.

Not doing it again, and get fed up with being told it will be different next time or I can't let a traumatic experience stop me having another child.

People should keep their opinions on this to themselves.

danTDM · 21/10/2017 16:16

I have one DD who is adored and happy.

I had a DB and DS who I loathe and have caused nothing but trouble and heartache.

MiaowMix · 21/10/2017 16:19

Good point Dan. I'm from a large family, chose to have an only. Go figure

ineedaholidaynow · 21/10/2017 16:29

oliver isn't that down to your parents' attitude rather than having a large age gap or being an only. DS is quite happy amusing himself but we also spend a lot of time with him. You can't move in our house for board games!

My DB and I are 2 years apart. We very rarely played together. He wanted a brother who would play the sort of games he wanted. He was an outdoorsy, rough and tumble child. Unfortunately he got a bookish sister. We had very little in common. There is no guarantee siblings will get on. My poor DM spent many hours refereeing our arguments. Was not much fun for her.

Tatlerer · 21/10/2017 16:47

Don't worry Bertrand. I'm too busy at work, watching telly or playing on my phone to concentrate too much on my DD (age 4).

Tatlerer · 21/10/2017 16:48

I misquoted you Bertrand, apologies. You actually said 'concentrated on too much.' My point still stands.

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/10/2017 16:54

I wish i knew what went through folks' heads when they deign to pass comments such as "an only is a lonely".

What do they expect you to do?

Go "holy crap, you're dead right, excuse me whilst I go home and ride my husband silly just to make sure my happy, secure, thriving child has a sibling to play with whilst at the same time confirming to some outdated societal norm even though we don't actually want another child?"

FML.

And I as that as an only who plans to have four children. Two down, two to go.

tinypop4 · 21/10/2017 16:58

It is absolutely none of anyone else's business how many dc you have. 1 is fine, 2 is fine, 5 is fine.
Do not waste any time worrying about anyone else's opinion

RandomUsernameHere · 21/10/2017 17:13

YANBU
There are positives and negatives to every family size. Everyone's situation is different and there is no one size fits all.

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/10/2017 19:56

Ineedaholiday my parents split soon after I was born. I was in and out of care homes as my DM decided she couldn't cope anymore and threatened to kill me.
The board games were her sick fantasy that I would be able to entertain myself. It would have been so much better if I had a sibling near my age to take the pressure off. Instead it was a case of her deciding what she wanted me to do as a career with no thought that I might want to do something else.
I would have loved to have had more than 2 but it didn't happen.
DD and ds get on really well and they couldn't imagine not having their db or dsis in their lives

Cantusethatname · 21/10/2017 19:58

I had a brother but have been my parents' (and now just my mother's) only child for 13 years.

It was infinitely better having a sibling.

strawberrykiss36 · 21/10/2017 20:00

Of course you're not BU! I have one and know deep down I want another, but I was horrendously ill the entire way through my pregnancy, as well as not being the richest family ever. We'd have to cut back on a lot to have another child and I'd struggle being so ill with a toddler to look after - trying to convince myself one is the way to go!

Do whatever is best for you, and anyone who says differently needs to STFU

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/10/2017 20:01

It’s a very personal decision for you and dp to make. You don’t need to explain or justify. The lonely poorly socialised singleton child is the stuff of urban legend. Everyone swears they know an only who’s maladjusted,spoiled and will face adulthood with the sole burden of caring for ageing parents. Because their selfish parents chose to have an only...

MapMyMum · 21/10/2017 20:02

It wouldnt matter if you had the easiest pregnancy and birth, it is your decision! It is also so much better for the environment to have fewer children

ILoveMillhousesDad · 21/10/2017 20:14

Me and dh have 6 siblings between us (me 4, him 2).

We do love or siblings and are close, but we only wanted one child.

Our dd is nearly 9 and she is lovely, sweet, caring about others, very witty, not spoiled as many people think onlies are.

We love our little gang of 3. Have loads of adventures, are managing to save up a good little nest egg for her for when she is older.

We will be able to support her through uni (if that is what she chooses), deposit for a home or whatever.

We would not be able to do that for another child.

I have had a few comments, but do I give a flying fuck? Do I shite.

The one that winds me up, usually on here, is that it's mean to leave it to one child to look after me and dh when we're old.

I mean ffs, is that a good reason to have more than one child? I don't actually plan to be a burden on anyone!

Notonthestairs · 21/10/2017 20:44

My mum was an only child hated it but only because my grandparents marriage was dysfunctional and they MADE her lonely.

In a happy household it doesn't matter how many kids you have.

Three of my closest friends are onlys and they are the most generous, well adjusted, kindest friends. One loved being an only child, two didn't. But independently they have commented that they benefited from the additional attention.

Getting older (I am late 40's) parental care is increasingly an issue - no getting away from it - but if you can plan for those years (and we all need to do that regardless of number of children) that will support them.

Ignore negative comments, if your family is happy that is all there is to it.

Ps I hate the phrase "only" child, it sounds like a loss somehow - isn't there something a bit more positive we can use instead?

Dashper · 21/10/2017 20:46

DS is an only. I miscarried DC2 (planned) at 10 weeks, which made us have a serious chat about why we wanted 2. "It's what you do" seemed to be about it, whereas I actually really wanted to go back to work, DS was happy and we also felt "quit whilst you're ahead".
2 years on we are confident it's the right decision. We're all happy and I really don't see what another child could add.

ScrumpyBetty · 21/10/2017 20:52

@bertrand
I think that this- "I must admit I am glad that I can concentrate on just one child." - is one of the reasons children, in an ideal world, shouldn''t be onlies. I don't think children should be concentrated on too much!

Not everyone who has one child spends all day doting on them! Very judgemental. I have one DS and life does not revolve around him. I do spend time playing with him but life is equally balanced around other things such as chores,work, going running. He is a happy well adjusted little boy who has lots of friends and family to play with.

BertrandRussell · 21/10/2017 21:29

"Not everyone who has one child spends all day doting on them! Very judgemental"

Which is why I said "one of the reasons"

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/10/2017 21:48

We only have one out of choice. She's 8 now and a joy to spend time with, I'd never want to go back to the baby stage. I've asked her if she's lonely and she tells me she isn't so that's good enough for me! She has some good friends and we ensure she attends any after school activities that interest her to encourage her to be sociable, which she is. I don't even think we could afford another one anyway. I tend to think long -term and worry about getting her through uni.
A so-called friend once told me I was being mean to only have one and she'd be a "lonely only"!!
A fellow parent of another only likes to tell people when they ask that they got it right first time, and didn't need to have anymore, you can't improve on perfection. Thus implying that those with more than one just keep popping them out until they have one they like! (She's a bit more confident than me!!)

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