To choose to have one child

[Sarahh2014]

Me and dh are both 37 I had ds at 32 I had a v painful pregnancy and a traumatic labour..these factors have contributed to our decision to only have one child..the thing is we've had so many people saying things such as oh have another so ds has someone to play with,isn't lonely etc which gives me a huge amount of guilt..even from strangers!he has cousins and friends and goes to nursery so is v social but I do feel a bit sad for him that he won't have a sibling I grew up with a brother and dh has 3 siblings..has anyone else had just one child through choice and regretted it?

[SheepyFun]

I think DD benefits more from me parenting just her more or less competently rather than parenting two badly. Others do a good job of parenting four or more, but I wouldn't.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I used to get it as well.
But I stuck with one.
Basically laughed in their faces if they suggested another.
Told them the horror stories of my pregnancy and birth and they never bothered asking again! (and compared to many on here it wasn't really THAT bad)
My DD is 19 and loves being an only child.
She has cousins and loads of friends.
A lovely BF and is doing just fine.

[pinkie1982]

This is me...sort of.
I didn't want any children at all until I reached 30 and changed my mind. I decided I wanted one child. I had DS at 32. He is now 28 months. Not once has I wanted any more, people say the same to me. I am being tight as he will be lonely and spoilt. He has cousins and friends, he goes to a childminder, he goes to playgroup. He is not lonely. I get precious time with him and I do not want to spread that time thinner by having a second child that I feel pressured into having. It's not happening. Luckily my DP is on the same wavelength.
Just tell people its your decision, why would you do something that you don't want to do to make other people more happy?

[messyjessy17]

It's just small talk, nobody actually cares how many children you have. Why take it so seriously?

[JessicaEccles]

my parents split soon after I was born. I was in and out of care homes as my DM decided she couldn't cope anymore and threatened to kill me.

This is very sad- but I am not sure your mother having another child would have improved things for anybody.

[PurplePumpkinHead]

We have one child. She's almost 16, an amazing, bright, funny teenager. We go to loads of concerts, theatre, events as it's easier financially.

She has shed loads of friends. Relatives are very limited and very few are local.

She loves life. She comments on the relationships her friends have with their siblings and is so glad she's an only.

We haven't regretted it for one moment. And she says she's glad too

[Iwanttobe8stoneagain]

We have an only not through choice but through secondary infertility. Although painful for us there's so many advantages for our son. He hasn't got a sibling to fall back on so learned early to make friends he needed to share, to be kind etc. We always ensure we go places where there's holiday clubs, we facilitate him
Keeping in touch with kids. He doesn't have to compete with another child so seems a lot more peaceful than many of his friends esp those with siblings 2 years apart. We have a lot of resources left to help him. Private speech therapy. One on one swimming, great holidays day trips. He's learned to play on his own. He is the happiest little boy, loved by so many people. I have friends with 3 who have the resources and they to do what they like . They are great kids. I have a friend who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown they don't have the time or resources for 2 they would have been better with one. I think each situation is different but don't think you have to have 2.4 kids to be normal

[user1471596238]

I'm glad that I've got siblings. I didn't get on particularly well with my brother when we were kids but we are close now. We have 2 children and I'm glad we did but if we had only had one then it would still have been wonderful. Not everyone has a choice in the matter but even if they do, there's no wrong or right. These debates always seem to get quite polarising. Nothing wrong with having one child or more than one child.

[BlueSapp]

The connection between siblings can be wonderful, especialy when they grow up and are adult friends, no matter what you would have someone to turn to, especialy when a lot of friends wouldn't want to know, family is family, thats how me and my siblings see it i wouldn't have wanted to be a only child.

[Ttbb]

I was an only child. I loved it.

[FizzyGreenWater]

You can't assume having siblings will make a difference in the future either.

I have three and am not in touch with any of them. I know only children who are extremely pleased they grew up as one, others who wished they had siblings. I know adults who are massively close to siblings and others who really are not and it causes them huge discord in their family life.

I'd love to have had the relationship some friends have with their siblings, but I just don't, we are completely different people.

I would say that no siblings is DEFINITELY easier than bad siblings.

[Tatlerer]

The more I read about this the more I think that it depends on the kind of upbringing you have (stating the bleeding obvious I know). What I mean is, if you are an involved parent, who takes an active interest in your single child, and makes extra effort to expose that child to happy, social situations (be that with extended family or friends), then your child will thrive. Of course, they may wonder what it's like to have a sibling, that's natural. I was an only myself until 9. I do remember wanting a sibling, because whilst loving, my parents left me largely to my own devices and weren't keen on ferrying me to play dates etc. My brother had a similar experience- when he was hitting the age at which he wanted to play, I was in my early teens, and didn't want to know! I then moved out when he was 10 to go to uni.

I'm very confident my DD will do fine.

[Macaroni46]

I was very lonely as only child and was largely left to my own devices growing up. I had no cousins either and my parents made very little effort to find children for me to socialise with.
Once I hit my early twenties, my mother became ill with multiple health problems and became very clingy emotionally. She had separated from my father (her choice) and so the burden of care fell entirely to me.
However, these are my individual circumstances and that is no reason not to have an only child as long as you make that extra effort for socialising and have extended family around you.

[Choccywoccyhooha]

I have three, but often dream of how different life would have been with just one. My good friends have one daughter and they have a far less stressful family life than we do. There is no juggling of money or time, she does piano, dance, swimming, and drama. They go on regular weekends away and have nice family holidays abroad. My children, on the otherhand, can do one weekly activity each and the others often have to wait outside with me, or at least do the ferrying with me. We go on one British holiday park type holiday a year and no extra weekends away. We really struggle with one-on-one time and have no chance to go out as a couple, as it seems a lot to ask someone to babysit three.

I'm sure your child will have a lovely life as an only, enjoy your family and don't let people's judgment bother you.

[MamaLeen]

I am an only child and I love it.
I have an amazing bond with my parents and never felt like I had to fight for their attention like I assume larger families must ie 4+ kids.
Plus I went to school and had a good social circle.
Sometimes I feel like it would have been nice to have had one sibling but then I see my cousins (grown adults still fighting like kids) and I change my mind fast

My little girl was an only child for 8 year before we had her brother and put her into lots of clubs like my parents did with me. And she has lots of friends too.

Don't be forced to go with what everyone expects of you.
It's up to you and you DH. Its no one else's business.

Plus if you change your mind later in life their are so many children looking to be adopted if that's was an option for you both.

[scaryteacher]

I was advised not to have more, so only have one. He tells me he has been fine as an only, and wouldn't have liked sharing the attention. We could do more for one in terms of funding uni than for two, and although a sibling might have knocked his corners off earlier, he has turned out OK.

I have a brother...we tolerate each other, but raise each others hackles.

[StilettosAreANoNo]

I was an only child and definitely wanted more than one dc if possible because of it.

Being the main focus of expectation for good or bad is quite a heavy load to carry. I suppose it depends on your parents though. Mine were tricky and still are.

[Imabanana]

I have 3 and love seeing them together BUT I often think how much more i could have given one child. I think I was quite immature when I wanted lots of babies without thinking it though. Now they're all teens the emotional stress is huge. I love my family but you love yours no one else get an opinion. Your son will thrive .

[isittooearlyforgin]

It's a wonderful blessing to be one who is completely adored by his/her parents. Don't be shamed by these people. It's a life choice. I choose to have 2. Have another they said, will be good for her they said. I've literally bred her nemesis. People have their own agenda. Enjoy your family unit

[Yerroblemom1923]

Notonthestairs, I agree with you about the term "only".

[Yerroblemom1923]

We only have one out of choice. She's 8 now and a joy to spend time with, I'd never want to go back to the baby stage. I've asked her if she's lonely and she tells me she isn't so that's good enough for me! She has some good friends and we ensure she attends any after school activities that interest her to encourage her to be sociable, which she is. I don't even think we could afford another one anyway. I tend to think long -term and worry about getting her through uni.
A so-called friend once told me I was being mean to only have one and she'd be a "lonely only"!!
A fellow parent of another only likes to tell people when they ask that they got it right first time, and didn't need to have anymore, you can't improve on perfection. Thus implying that those with more than one just keep popping them out until they have one they like! (She's a bit more confident than me!!)

[BertrandRussell]

"Not everyone who has one child spends all day doting on them! Very judgemental"

Which is why I said "one of the reasons"

[ScrumpyBetty]

@bertrand
I think that this- "I must admit I am glad that I can concentrate on just one child." - is one of the reasons children, in an ideal world, shouldn''t be onlies. I don't think children should be concentrated on too much!

Not everyone who has one child spends all day doting on them! Very judgemental. I have one DS and life does not revolve around him. I do spend time playing with him but life is equally balanced around other things such as chores,work, going running. He is a happy well adjusted little boy who has lots of friends and family to play with.

[Dashper]

DS is an only. I miscarried DC2 (planned) at 10 weeks, which made us have a serious chat about why we wanted 2. "It's what you do" seemed to be about it, whereas I actually really wanted to go back to work, DS was happy and we also felt "quit whilst you're ahead".
2 years on we are confident it's the right decision. We're all happy and I really don't see what another child could add.

[Notonthestairs]

My mum was an only child hated it but only because my grandparents marriage was dysfunctional and they MADE her lonely.

In a happy household it doesn't matter how many kids you have.

Three of my closest friends are onlys and they are the most generous, well adjusted, kindest friends. One loved being an only child, two didn't. But independently they have commented that they benefited from the additional attention.

Getting older (I am late 40's) parental care is increasingly an issue - no getting away from it - but if you can plan for those years (and we all need to do that regardless of number of children) that will support them.

Ignore negative comments, if your family is happy that is all there is to it.

Ps I hate the phrase "only" child, it sounds like a loss somehow - isn't there something a bit more positive we can use instead?