To choose to have one child

[Sarahh2014]

Me and dh are both 37 I had ds at 32 I had a v painful pregnancy and a traumatic labour..these factors have contributed to our decision to only have one child..the thing is we've had so many people saying things such as oh have another so ds has someone to play with,isn't lonely etc which gives me a huge amount of guilt..even from strangers!he has cousins and friends and goes to nursery so is v social but I do feel a bit sad for him that he won't have a sibling I grew up with a brother and dh has 3 siblings..has anyone else had just one child through choice and regretted it?

[CbeebiesAddict]

I have one and will remain one. He is only 20mo so can't really comment on the regret. Sometimes I see siblings hugging each other at the park and feel a bit sorry for DS. But then 5 minutes later I walk past a child complaining that her sister is the worst person in the world and can their parents get rid of her so then I feel less sorry for him

There are massive benefits to having one. For me I know that there is no way I could bear to share my time with DS so one is very right for me. I also couldn't do the baby stage again to save my life.

[BertrandRussell]

"Not saying people who have more than one child are all like this - at ALL! But I do believe the ones who are bitchy and vitriolic about 'only' children, (and also the parents of only children,) are bitter and jealous."

Blimey! Bitchy, vitriolic, bitter and jealous? Seriously??

[TheGoodWife16]

I’m 43 with a 15yo only DD and wouldn’t change it for the world. We were both extremely unwell following her delivery and this experience certainly factored into our decision not to have anymore children.

My DD has mentioned numerous times how glad she is that she doesn’t have siblings when she’s witnessed the disagreements some of her friends have with theirs!

My DH has an older sister he despises and is NC with. I have 5 half-siblings I barely know, and I was effectively brought up as an only.

I’ve never regretted our decision and I’ve always shut down anyone who tried to tell me otherwise as it’s simply none of their business.

I adore my time with my DD and, with ongoing health issues between us, we both understand and ‘get’ each other.

What’s right for you is the most important consideration. Nobody else gets a say.

[Aquamarine1029]

I am an only child and had a wonderful childhood. Ignore these tests. They have no idea what they're talking about.

[LongWavyHair]

There is nothing wrong with having one child so don't feel guilty. Children meet friends so don't always rely on siblings to play with anyway.
I have three and they are often falling out/ in each other's hair/ squabbling. They share a room, they don't get my full attention as it has to be split 3 ways, they are all at different stages so all have different needs so we can't always please all 3 all at the same time. I think being an only child is actually not something to be sniffed at!

[MiaowMix]

I've got one. Chose to have an only. She's happy, so am I, end of story.

What s load of old bollocks from bertrand "all things being equal"- really? Could you actually be any more patronising?

[EdithSwanNeck]

One is fabulous! I too felt that sense of guilt around 'should I have another baby so my son won't be lonely?'. I remember openly talking about my dilemma at a coffee morning at someone's house when DS was about three-years-old. An older (and wiser!) mum took me to one side as we were leaving and told me: 'If you are happy just the three of you - please, please don't have another baby just because you feel you ought to.' She was absolutely right - some of the best advice I have ever been given. (Thank you, Wise Lady, if you are reading this thread!)

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

It depends really, if you want to have another child but are afraid then I’d say yabu, no pregnancy’s are the same and just because you had a difficult one first time doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. Same with the birth, you could opt to have a c- section or ask for extra care for yourself and baby. If you definitely don’t want another child then YANBU, you shouldn’t have another one just because people say you should or you think your DC will be lonely. I have two DC and they do play together lovely at times, and other times they want to sell each other on EBay! Just do the right thing for you for the right reasons.

[flingingmelon]

It’s no one else’s business!

We have one and we are a perfect little triangle who have a lovely lovely life. A sibling would not improve us.

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

sunandmoonshine quite possibly one of the most ridiculous posts I’ve read. Bitter and vitriolic? Give me a break! From all the people I know with more than one child, not one of them thinks this way. You obviously know some weird twisted people or you Are seriously deluded!

[RhodaBorrocks]

I am 36 and have 1 DS (10). I have been single since he was 3. My friends are starting to make noises about "getting [me] settled down and having babies" but I'm thinking about when DS goes to secondary how I want to start rebuilding my career! I have many friends who didn't have their first until they were my age or older and some school friends who've only had their first this year and I have to admit I feel a bit smug when I see fb posts about sleepless nights, endless nappies and pictures of messy weaning babies that thide days are long behind me!

I was a "one and done" kind of person. My ex was happy with that. When DS turned 2 people started putting the pressure on to have another, using the loneliness and playing together reasons mostly. XP and I were on the skids anyway so I was glad we didn't do it.

Unfortunately by the time he turned 4, DS started asking for a sister. He still does occasionally, albeit wistfully. That is the only reason I now wish I was in a relationship - to give him what he wants.

DS has ASD and is very gentle and empathic. He is amazing with small children and his younger cousins all adore him. He would be an amazing brother. But I dont think he's considered the level olf noise a small person generates, and definitely hasn't considered if I had a child that was either NT or further along the spectrum than he is, what that might entail!

If he continues to mention it I've always said to myself I'll consider it by the time I'm 38. If I am still single I may go it alone as I've already done that for years. If I'm with someone and it seems right and I have time then I may go for it then too. I'm lucky that fertility runs quite late in my family, so I may get my egg reserves checked in the next year or so just so I know my options. If it's out of my hands then so be it, but I know I can be happy in my original decision still.

[Sarahh2014]

Thanks for your views everyone I know I've made the right choice

[BertrandRussell]

"What s load of old bollocks from bertrand "all things being equal"- really? Could you actually be any more patronising?"

At the risk of actually being patronizing, do you know what "all other things being equal" means?

[elQuintoConyo]

We have one out of choice.

When people have commented on ds being an only - thankfully only a handful in 6 years - i have mostly just answered "that's none of your business", both politely showing them they have been unutterably rude and that the conversation is over.

Once i did tell someone i didn't have enough love in me for another - the look on her face was priceless!

for you OP. Listening to all this shit gets on your nerves.

[AnonEvent]

I have one daughter, she will be 1of 1.

I probably have (all things being equal) 3 or 4 childbearing years in me. But one is enough for me, my husband and I have the time, patience and budget to give one kid a really good life.

We're a team of three and that suits us perfectly.

[ifcatscouldtalk]

Once you get passed caring what other people think you'll be fine.
Everyone will tell you their own opinion based on their personal life experiences. Go with your gut and enjoy the life you have.

[RavenLG]

I was an only child. I was youngest in family and whilst I had friends at school I never made friends easily and this has become a huge problem in my adult life. Would siblings in my life have changed this? Impossible to say, but I always wanted a brother or sister and have advised others to have multiple children (when they've asked for my opinion as an only child). BUT... given everything you've said you make the right choice based on your circumstances. Your child seems very happy and social, and I understand why you wouldn't want to put yourself through a traumatic labour again. At the end of the day it's no one else's decision except you and your partner. People should mind their business.

[hopsalong]

Just one more vote for no, no, YANBU. With bells on. Be proud of the decision and don’t feel ashamed of announcing it.

I am an only child by my parents’ choice and have always been completely content with being one. The only thing I don’t like is being asked “could they not have any more, then?” So just make sure that your only child knows how absolutely and completely enough they are.

[Mulberry72]

I only have one DS, I only ever wanted one child. I was 100% sure of that and absolutely don’t regret my decision.

[TheVoiceOfTreason]

I'm reading this thread with interest. I'm currently pregnant with baby number 1, but due to many reasons, not least our ages (37 and 41 respectively) we've debated whether to leave it at just one. Especially if the first one turns out amazingly. Quit while you're ahead, and all that!

The heartbreaking post above about the lady whose friend had an amazing life when her daughter was an only child, and then had a second child, with serious autism, that basically ruined her marriage, her career and her relationship with her first child, is a prime example of why we might be tempted to stop at one.

I know a few who have stopped at one, some through choice, some not. In at least one case it was I suspect partly because of a horrific birth. Nobody should judge anyone for not wanting to go through that twice.

Most only children I've known have been very grown up for their age - lots of one on one adult conversation from a young age. My husband likes that and considers that quite a compelling argument for it too.

There are no across the board right or wrong answers here. You have to do what's right for you, which in your case sounds like sticking at one.

[WinteryWalk]

It’s an interesting one. I’m firmly in the your family, your choice camp.

I’m an only one, I was always absolutely fine with it as a child, but as an adult, I’ll admit I am sometimes envious of those who spend a lot of time with their sister and their kids or whoever and I do feel like I’ve missed out on that.

I also have 2 and am in the very fortunate position that they genuinely do get on really really well, seeing that I realise that it’s an opportunity that I missed out on.

I also fully understand that there are siblings who absolutely don’t get on etc so it doesn’t always work out.

[PolarBearGoingSomewhere]

You shouldn't have another child unless you really want one. You don't, so... don't!

Of course there are pros and cons to any family size. I have discussed family size at length with friends over the years - although I don't actually know anyone personally with an only child by choice - and it is clear there is no golden recipe for a happy family nor for happy individual children.

[IAmTheDragon]

Loads of people hate their siblings. Having one doesn't automatically make your life better.

Tell them to do one.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

There is a huge gap between myself and my dsis. So for me she didn't really figure on my radar. I would have loved having a dsis or brother close in age more for the fact my parents would buy me board games for birthdays and Christmas and refuse to play a game with me. I was so bored.
I think I moved out with dp at 17 because it meant I would have someone to talk to in the evenings.
I suffered from dreadful all day sickness and an EMCS with DD and put my self through the same with ds because I couldn't put a child through the life I had lived as a child.
They are 2 years apart in age and have the type of relationship I could only dream about.

Would have loved more but it was not to be.

Only you can decide how many you have. Most of the friends I have said immediately after they gave birth to their last child they felt they were done whether that last child was their 1st or their 5th.

[TheVoiceOfTreason]

Plus as others have said/alluded to, not everyone gets the choice. I know a couple that had a"miracle baby" not realising it was a miracle baby, they only found out when they tried for baby number 2 and had a failed IVF cycle. They've focussed on the positive and on making their only son's life as awesome as possible. They are fantastic parents and would be distraught if someone said to them it was wrong to stick at one because he'll be lonely. I cringe at the idea of them being subjected to insensitive comments like that from people who don't know their circumstances! :(