DPs reaction to my fuck up

[NCtosavefromshame]

Long one, as it needs context.

Had a tough year, my dads increasing alcoholism and unstableness has resulted with him in prison, for a horrendous crime (which he denies). He’s had a history of alcoholism and possibly MH. His dad was exactly the same, bipolar which lead to addiction. He’s always been erratic, as a kid he looked like the fun dad, but it just snowballed into worry and embarrassment as I got older.

I’m now NC as of 3 months and it’s all been a massive strain on me and DPs relationship. Dad tended to lean on me, as I could never say no to him.

The issue: this week I had an impromptu works night out after a big deadline. Ive has a tough time at work (hating it) and had little sleep or food as I was busy preparing for the presentation. I got shit faced - to the point of blackouts.

DP was messaging me frequently, I missed a few as was chatting. He messaged me saying don’t walk home alone tipsy and WHERE ARE YOU?, I told him my last train. His final message was “I’m going to bed” this was an hour before my train was even departing.

It gets fuzzy from here, but it seems as though I ran off the train 4 stops early to puke. Covered myself in the process. I was obviously confused by this point as I sat on the station for a while despite there being no trains. Then I used an app to book a taxi so obviously was functioning. This took 45 minutes to come. In the meantime i waited outside the deserted station at half midnight. Drunk, covered in vomit. A kind woman drove by on their way home from work and offered me a lift, I declined. She insisted and said she couldn’t leave me there. So I got in and she took me the 20minute drive home. I can barely remember her, I’m very lucky that she was genuine. It was a very risky thing to do, I realise that.

I told all this to DP and he was livid: WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME? And I honestly don’t know why, In my head I thought I could manage, I thought I was ok. He absolutley blew his top, said I was selfish, a stupid bitch, he hated me for putting myself in that position, it was obviously all an act of trying to punish him. And most hurtful of all he said I was just like my dad and had the [dads name] gene.

I’m petrified of turning into my dad, there’s clearly family history. I didn’t have the most healthy relationship with alcohol in my teens/twenties. I don’t think either of my parents were that great tbh, but my DM (now divorced) had been with my dad since she was 16. She didn’t seem that bothered when I told her what happened, and said that sometimes we do stupid things

I feel so confused right now, I feel incredibly hurt by DP and I don’t know if it was justified. I have no one to get an outside opinion. AIBU to think his reaction was extreme? Or was it well deserved?

No loving partner should ever, ever talk like this, however worried they may be. It is inexcusable and would make me question the whole basis of the relationship.

DP does have a temper, this isn’t the first time he’s told me he hates me, and I made a point of telling him how hurtful I found it. He promised never to say it again.

Yikes, I didn't even read this bit.

It's not you that's the problem. It's him.

don’t believe I have said that I’m a big drinker in the last 10 years. In fact it’s the opposite and DP even acknowledged this. The last time he saw me in a similar state was my 21st.

There are different levels of alcoholism, and it's a progressive disease that gets worse over time. One of it's identifying characteristics is that the person lacks an "off switch" that says "I've had a bit too much, it's time to stop". That's what leads to binge drinking.

It's time to recognize that you and alcohol are not meant to be friends.

Ah right, thank you for clarifying.
I think it does sound like an overreaction if this is the first time in so long, he’s come out with all sorts in anger. Name calling, guilt tripping. But possibly in a way of not knowing how else to convey his thoughts/feelings to you.

How has it been since the argument?

Growing up with an alcoholic father can mean that you pick unsuitable partners for yourself in adulthood because your view of a "normal"
relationship is partly moulded on your parents.

You say he has a temper, he's jealous, controlling and has hurt you deeply on numerous occasions. That doesn't sound like a happy healthy relationship. You deserve better than that.

Actually, given your reply to ilost, this sounds like more than a reaction to drinking.

To orchestrate an evening, to hurt him, is v. paranoid behaviour. Is there any reason for this?

I think you should attempt to talk it out (if you want to sort it) and try to get to the bottom of why he thinks this revolves around him?

If you find yourself in a similar situation again, not identical, but I mean leaning more and more on alcohol or just genera struggling you’ll need your DP to be supportive and not be turning the attention back onto him.

I’m with your DH. You were irresponsible and there is no excuse. God knows what would have happened if the woman hadn’t driven you home. Taxi would have been within their rights to refuse to take you covered in vomit.

This is hard OP as there are a few things going on here.

Him questioning if you were with a man / making it about him and how you're punishing him is his issue. He's being insecure, jealous and dickish to make you responsible for him not being able to control his jealousy.

The alcohol is a bit separate. My dm is an alcoholic, as was her mum. She is functional and working but an alcoholic none the less. Her mum wasn't functional and my mum hated her.
I have seen my dm blackout, I have picked her up and carried her to bed, I have sat watching while she sleeps to make sure she doesn't choke on vomit, I have pulled her out of situations where she was in danger and I have seen the results of her getting home on her own (lift with a stranger / walking in the dark and passing out halfway / falling over and being covered in bruises). It is terrifying (as I'm sure you're aware).
I admit once to losing my temper with her, purely out of stress and worry, and in trying to shock her I told her she was turning into her mum. I know she never wanted that and I hoped she would be so scared of it happening, it would be a wake up call. It wasn't, and it wasn't nice of me to use that fear against her, but I'm not a bad person. I was just afraid.

You need to separate these issues. Leaning on alcohol is a problem - take steps to work through this. Practical ones (like pre-book a taxi at the start of the evening to make sure you can get home) and emotional ones (find a new therapist).
Your DP being insecure is his issue - put the ball back in his court by telling him you understand he was worried, but he can't waste time not trusting you and making you feel crappy. That's just not what a partner does and that's not the relationship you want.

Ahhhh, reading the update actually it sounds worse. I didn't realize he'd told you he hated you before. And also, making it about his jealousy - so it was less that he was worried you'd get hurt and more that you'd play away (that would really piss me of, especially as from the sound of it you were drunk enough anything bad that did happen would have been far more harmful to you than him)

I have also tried AlAnon, for a brief time. I found it quite emotional and overwhelming though. I’m not a big group sharer, and felt very pressured to do so. Invent. Been back since then. From the opinions on this thread maybe I should have gone to AA instead. I will definitely look to see another counsellor, maybe I should go via my doctor rather than trying to find one myself this time

• I haven’t been back

Wow you need really good professional help. How your partner reacted should not be your focus, getting yourself into better health needs to be your priority.

Your DH sounds like an absolute fucking arsehole. You've been under immense stress and got pissed. It happens. You know it was a stupid thing to do so the last thing you need is him screaming abuse at you, abuse that seems designed to hit you where it hurts. If he cared about you he would have got in the car and picked you up instead of going to bed and letting you get on the train. You deserve better OP. And don't fret about turning into your dad, we ALL have blowouts sometimes.

It sounds like the counsellor you had didn't suit you. I would suggest looking for one who has experience working with alcoholism within the family and co-dependency.

I can understand your DP being very pissed off and upset about you getting home late and in a total state, but the name calling is totally not on, especially as you say it's happened before.

it's a very childish thing to say "I hate you!" I don't think I've ever said that to anyone as an adult. I might have said "I hate that prat!" about a colleague, but I've certainly never said it within a relationship.

From the opinions on this thread maybe I should have gone to AA instead.

My apologies if I came across as shaming you in some way. Alcoholism is a medical condition, not a personal failing. I agree with going through your GP for a recommendation.

Definitely pursue counselling.

Unpicking all your feelings towards your father and your experiences growing up with an alcoholic parent will massively help with understanding your esteem issues, the way you handle stress and might help you to realise you've picked a man who actually has the similar bad traits of your father; the temper, paranoia, emotional immaturity and abuse.

God - your dh sounds like a vile, controlling bully.

Do you often have times when you don't sleep much? Getting sleep is so important for your mental health so watch that. You need to really self care as you have so much going on.
I think at the moment you need a lot of help dealing with all thats going on and as you get that your dhs behaviour will be clearer. If he is genuinely only concerned things will get better but if he is abusive the counselling will heelp you see that.
But usually on here if a dh is out and due to arrive home very drunk the advise is lock them out etc so yyour dhs anger of itself was understandable.

I'm a bit that so many posters are putting blame on the OP, given the extra info she's given e.g. that it's a one off, don't often use alcohol as a crutch.

I agree maybe you need counselling for coming to terms with your dad etc...but it doesn't sound like you are an alcoholic yourself. More that you need counselling for being the child of an alcoholic! You sound very self aware with regards alcohol and the dangers of it, and say that you are aware you lean on alcohol on 'rare occasions'...but then, aren't most of us guilty of that? (maybe not, I dunno, my mum was an alcoholic)

However, perhaps DP needs some help to sort out his anger/control issues. You have so much going on in your life, and he thought it was about him?! And your dad's situation putting a strain on your relationship sounds a bit as well...has he actually been supportive at all around it? From what you've said he sounds quite the opposite.

If he was that concerned, why did he pile into bed and leave you to It?
I confess I've not read the full thread, but if he that bluddy upset and angry why not stay up and ensure you home when due to be?

Hi OP. I feel that your partner has behaved badly. He has picked on your weak spot and fear, and been angry and disrespectful to you , because he thought he could.
I don't doubt he may have been worried . Not that worried - he didn't stay up, or come and get you.. But he's punishing you in an unpleasant manner.
Yes you drank too much and that needs some care as you weren't set the best example, but there are several ways that could have been discussed.
I do think an adult conversation is needed. In addition, you could point out that there are several issues around adult children of alcoholics that can make your life challenging, and he needs to be supportive.
Take care.

I find it odd that when the op needed help she didn't call her dh. There's got to be a reason for that. I would say there are deeper issues in her marriage especially in the way he talked to her and made her feel.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

Your husband did not handle this well. You've been through a shocking time and he didn't rise to the occasion admirably, to say the least. Making insinuations about other men is just so fucking weak and pathetic.

Someone upthread said 'you're not your father. You're not.

Good luck, OP.

OP his reaction does seem very strange. I think only you can know if this is usual for him to treat you like this. As another poster said, perhaps there's an underlying reason as to why you didn't call him! I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you need some space to work out for yourself how to move forward.

Given your family history, the blackouts and the fact you puked all over yourself, you would be wise to never drink another drop.

He knows your dad and might be recognizing him in your behavior.