DPs reaction to my fuck up

[NCtosavefromshame]

Long one, as it needs context.

Had a tough year, my dads increasing alcoholism and unstableness has resulted with him in prison, for a horrendous crime (which he denies). He’s had a history of alcoholism and possibly MH. His dad was exactly the same, bipolar which lead to addiction. He’s always been erratic, as a kid he looked like the fun dad, but it just snowballed into worry and embarrassment as I got older.

I’m now NC as of 3 months and it’s all been a massive strain on me and DPs relationship. Dad tended to lean on me, as I could never say no to him.

The issue: this week I had an impromptu works night out after a big deadline. Ive has a tough time at work (hating it) and had little sleep or food as I was busy preparing for the presentation. I got shit faced - to the point of blackouts.

DP was messaging me frequently, I missed a few as was chatting. He messaged me saying don’t walk home alone tipsy and WHERE ARE YOU?, I told him my last train. His final message was “I’m going to bed” this was an hour before my train was even departing.

It gets fuzzy from here, but it seems as though I ran off the train 4 stops early to puke. Covered myself in the process. I was obviously confused by this point as I sat on the station for a while despite there being no trains. Then I used an app to book a taxi so obviously was functioning. This took 45 minutes to come. In the meantime i waited outside the deserted station at half midnight. Drunk, covered in vomit. A kind woman drove by on their way home from work and offered me a lift, I declined. She insisted and said she couldn’t leave me there. So I got in and she took me the 20minute drive home. I can barely remember her, I’m very lucky that she was genuine. It was a very risky thing to do, I realise that.

I told all this to DP and he was livid: WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME? And I honestly don’t know why, In my head I thought I could manage, I thought I was ok. He absolutley blew his top, said I was selfish, a stupid bitch, he hated me for putting myself in that position, it was obviously all an act of trying to punish him. And most hurtful of all he said I was just like my dad and had the [dads name] gene.

I’m petrified of turning into my dad, there’s clearly family history. I didn’t have the most healthy relationship with alcohol in my teens/twenties. I don’t think either of my parents were that great tbh, but my DM (now divorced) had been with my dad since she was 16. She didn’t seem that bothered when I told her what happened, and said that sometimes we do stupid things

I feel so confused right now, I feel incredibly hurt by DP and I don’t know if it was justified. I have no one to get an outside opinion. AIBU to think his reaction was extreme? Or was it well deserved?

[strawberrypenguin]

Sounds to me like you scared the crap out of him and it came out as anger like it can sometimes.
Talk to him properly once you’ve both calmed down.

[ilovegin112]

you say you've been a big drinker for a decade yet this happens when you have a few, you really need to lay of the drink, has your dh had to deal with this before? it would explain why your husband had reacted like this

[Dustbunny1900]

I don't see it as concerned worried partner behavior. "Stupid bitch"? It's all a calculated act meant to hurt HIM? Yes, I'm sure it's all about him and saying he hates you? Jesus, is he 14?
And then driving a knife into your sore spot he knows you have about your family.
Nope

[WitchesHatRim]

I can kind of see his point.

To drink to the point where you are blacking out and vomiting all over yourself isn't ok.

[senzaparole03]

You scared him. That's what happened.


But 'hate' is a very strong, angry word. I could cope with the rest of it, and my DP would be justified in reacting the same way if it was me, but hate? That's a deeper, darker undercurrent.

[Cokeis]

I can see where he’s coming from especially with your family,y hiotry.

Getting into that kind of state really would make me revalute the relationship I can’t deal with that at all due to family hsitroy.

[mamamalt]

Jeez. You have horrible hangover guilt and he has made it ten times worse.
So you fucked up. Something bad could have happened. It didn’t. Learn from how you feel now and move on.
Talk to your DP about how you feel after what he said. As others said he probably reacted in anger and out of fear for something bad happening to you.
Please don’t dwell on it or blow it up too much. You have so much awareness and to feel shame shows you are in no way like your dad.

[crazyhairdontcare]

My DH would tear strips off me for being that irresponsible. But he would stop short of name calling, even if I deserved it.

On the plus side, thank god for that woman. Just goes to show there are some genuinely bloody lovely people out there.

Please just avoid alcohol from now on. You have firsthand experience that it ruins lives.

[Gizmo79]

Seems an over-reaction from him.
Everyone has the odd extra few drinks. Yes he may have been worried but that does not excuse what he said.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

He probably was worried about you and once he knew you were home safely all those emotions came out in rage.

You did fuck up but I do understand. You've been stressed to the hilt at work on top of all your dad's problems. You needed a blow out but unfortunately it all went a bit chaotic. You massively underestimated how drunk you were by attempting to get home on public transport.

What stands out to me is that you're not looking after yourself. You say the work deadline meant you barely ate or slept for a week. This can't continue when you're under pressure. It probably contributed to the alcohol affecting you far more than it might usually.

Be honest with DP about your reasons for losing your head on your night out. I think it was understandable that he was angry but throwing your dad's issues at you is a slap in the face if he knows how upset you've been over your dad. He went for your Achilles heel.

Everything looks worse with a hangover from Hell, I hope you feel better soon. A one off drunken evening does not mean you have an alcohol issue.

[NCtosavefromshame]

ilivegin don’t believe I have said that I’m a big drinker in the last 10 years. In fact it’s the opposite and DP even acknowledged this. The last time he saw me in a similar state was my 21st.

Thanks for all the responses, it’s really helpful to hear. I know I was a massive idiot. And his reaction was mostly fear based, but it’s really stung.

[yesiamgoingtoeatthat]

Can we lay off the OP a bit here? Yes she was stupid but this is not typical behaviour for her. We all act like a dick sometimes, and make mistakes.

I'm not surprised you've temporarily lost your way, you are under a massive stress. I understand what it is to live with an addicted person and there is a constant underlying stress. It will occasionally present itself in weird or extreme ways, for example getting utterly, overly shit-faced. You already know you need some help managing the stress but unfortunately haven't yet found the right therapist. Please keep looking. The right one will really help you in all areas of your life.

As for your DP I can't comment on the wider behaviour of someone I don't know. However based on your description of his reaction to your night out, he clearly freaked out with the worry and said some pretty dumb things. People do reveal themselves at these times though... Only you know the truth there.

And OP - you are not your father. Give yourself a break xx

[Bubblebubblepop]

I think you are under extreme stress and he should be more supportive and emotionally mature about what happened

[AhYerWill]

Yes what you did was stupid and retrospectively risky, but that's the problem with drinking - it fucks with your judgement.

I've done daft things when drinking, and my DH has not once called me a stupid bitch, or yelled at me, or told me I'm like my (equally fucked up) father. He's shown concern, looked after me when I've felt crap the next day and told me to call him/a cab next time. He helps me up when I fall down, rather than seeing it as a chance to give me a good kicking. Fuck that.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I agree with Yes and Bubble. His reaction was essentially all about him and how he felt and lashing out at you.
A bit of empathy for your situation wouldn't go amiss.

[DanHumphreyIsA]

To me it reads like he was trying to ‘shock’ you into realising the situation, by comparing you to your dad. But I might be wrong. I know that I’ve tried to use a similar tactic to make my DH realise he was hurting himself by doing certain things, not in a malicious way.

The name calling is unreasonable though, even if it’s said in anger.

Did you find out what he means by ‘punishing him’ though? That sounds like a strange thing to say.

I know you said you haven’t done this for 10 tears, but you’ve also said it happens when there’s unexpected events. So do you mesn you’ve gotten v v drunk on occasion, just not to the point of blacking out, in the last decade?
Sorry I know you’ve addressed that already but I couldn’t make sense of it.

[maddiemookins16mum]

I think you scared the bejeezus out of him, and yourself. People say and do things when angry, scared, upset (drunk) that they might not normally. Don't be so hard on him and yourself too.

[Iflyaway]

His final message was “I’m going to bed” this was an hour before my train was even departing.^

Maybe he is the problem....

[Raver84]

I do feel a bit sorry for your dh, but he's over reacting. No harm came to you and sounds like up until the sick on the train bit it was a cracking night out after a shit week! Take it on the chin apologise to him for making him worry and accept you shouldn't do this sort of thing again, it's exactly what I did working I London in my 20s but like you I'm past that now. You ought to stop drinking so much. Silly mistake. Chalk it up to experience.

[Ploppie4]

Op you are not your dad. You are two seperate and different people

[Tippexy]

We all do stupid things and you've been under a lot of pressure. As a one-off, I would forgive/excuse this, and actually try to reassure and console you. I think you DP is BU.

[Tippexy]

Also I'd have been a bit annoyed by his incessant texting! It's like he wanted to keep track of you and then punished you for letting off some steam.

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

I think everyone is allowed to fuck up very occasionally (which doesn't make it a good idea) your getting that pissed wasn't great (and something bad could have happened) but as a one of it isn't the same as if you were regularly doing it. In the same way if him blowing his top at you was part of a pattern it could be verbal abuse, but as a one of I think it more likely it was just the fear talking. So if you apologized for the irresponsible drinking (and it doesnt happen again) and he apologized for saying he hates you etc (and it doesn't happen again) then I don't think it's so bad. Oh, and obviously the "everyone fucks up once" thing doesn't apply to physical violence etc where I think once is enough

[NCtosavefromshame]

I think I was shit at communication whilst out, I told him everything but it was dripfed because I mainly didn’t know that much myself. But my messages were coherent, no red flags, i didn’t feel that drunk until I hit the fresh air on the walk to the station.

And yes, ilost he was making out that I orchestrated the whole evening to purposefully upset him, basically because I didn’t call him. Like that was an act of defiance and . Then he said he couldn’t trust me and I could’ve been with a man, or did I fancy my colleague etc. So wide of the mark.

Dan there are rare occasions when I will lean on alcohol. New social situations. Like a bbq with new friend group over summer, I struggled with small talk and I realised I was drinking way too much. But I stopped myself and I was with DP and we went home. So not to blackout but I was uncomfortable with my behaviour

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

His continual messaging all through your evening was a bit much. He knew you were out having a few drinks and talking. It's not relaxing to have your phone pinging with messages from an irate dp from the off.

I'd find that quite controlling. Perhaps you do and subconsciously thought Fuck you I'm having my first night out for ten years and that's why you didn't contact him?