DPs reaction to my fuck up

[NCtosavefromshame]

Long one, as it needs context.

Had a tough year, my dads increasing alcoholism and unstableness has resulted with him in prison, for a horrendous crime (which he denies). He’s had a history of alcoholism and possibly MH. His dad was exactly the same, bipolar which lead to addiction. He’s always been erratic, as a kid he looked like the fun dad, but it just snowballed into worry and embarrassment as I got older.

I’m now NC as of 3 months and it’s all been a massive strain on me and DPs relationship. Dad tended to lean on me, as I could never say no to him.

The issue: this week I had an impromptu works night out after a big deadline. Ive has a tough time at work (hating it) and had little sleep or food as I was busy preparing for the presentation. I got shit faced - to the point of blackouts.

DP was messaging me frequently, I missed a few as was chatting. He messaged me saying don’t walk home alone tipsy and WHERE ARE YOU?, I told him my last train. His final message was “I’m going to bed” this was an hour before my train was even departing.

It gets fuzzy from here, but it seems as though I ran off the train 4 stops early to puke. Covered myself in the process. I was obviously confused by this point as I sat on the station for a while despite there being no trains. Then I used an app to book a taxi so obviously was functioning. This took 45 minutes to come. In the meantime i waited outside the deserted station at half midnight. Drunk, covered in vomit. A kind woman drove by on their way home from work and offered me a lift, I declined. She insisted and said she couldn’t leave me there. So I got in and she took me the 20minute drive home. I can barely remember her, I’m very lucky that she was genuine. It was a very risky thing to do, I realise that.

I told all this to DP and he was livid: WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME? And I honestly don’t know why, In my head I thought I could manage, I thought I was ok. He absolutley blew his top, said I was selfish, a stupid bitch, he hated me for putting myself in that position, it was obviously all an act of trying to punish him. And most hurtful of all he said I was just like my dad and had the [dads name] gene.

I’m petrified of turning into my dad, there’s clearly family history. I didn’t have the most healthy relationship with alcohol in my teens/twenties. I don’t think either of my parents were that great tbh, but my DM (now divorced) had been with my dad since she was 16. She didn’t seem that bothered when I told her what happened, and said that sometimes we do stupid things

I feel so confused right now, I feel incredibly hurt by DP and I don’t know if it was justified. I have no one to get an outside opinion. AIBU to think his reaction was extreme? Or was it well deserved?

[ToastyFingers]

The way he spoke to you was not, and would never be OK, in any circumstances.

Vile, and controlling at worst and an angry and unpredictable outburst at best.

Does he speak to you like this often?

[keepcalmandfuckon]

Your dp sounds nasty and controlling. Yes what you did was irresponsible and shouldn’t happen again. However speaking to you the way he did was nasty and uncalled for. Constantly texting you and then being accusatory afterward is not okay. You need to think about whether this is a healthy relationship.

[ToastyFingers]

Also, as a fellow child of alcoholics,

You are not your Father. You can and will do better, and that might have to start with a hard look at the people around you. Nobody ever succeed by being told they'd already failed.

[HashtagTired]

His reaction does sound extreme and I can see how you’re upset. However. I would say that he sounds incredibly hurt and scared about losing you to drink. He said those things for impact. If you’re hurting then imagine how he must be feeling. I’d say, in context, his reaction probably isn’t that unreasonable given you have been stressed at work and resorted to drink (like many of us do!) but he’s scared that this may be the beginning of the end.

[Fairylea]

My whole family is alcoholic and this was me about 8 years ago. I look back and cringe at myself now and the awful decisions I made. I lost it particularly badly when going through my divorce and my worst night was ending up on my hands and knees with my tights completely torn after falling over outside the main train station where I live. I got home and had half an hour sleep and was too drunk to take my then 6 year old daughter to school who had been with a family member. I can’t believe that was me now.

I have been completely tee total since then. It was a wake up call, as this is for you. If you ever behave like this when you drink- even if it’s infrequent- then you simply cannot ever drink. You are putting your safety and health at risk.

Your husband doesn’t sound very nice from what you’ve written - but seeing someone destory themselves like this makes you very, very angry. (As I have been with my mum several times).

[AtHomeDadGlos]

I think your DP’s reaction has had the desired effect and made you consider and address your relationship with alcohol.

Drinking to the point of blackouts is seriously dangerous. I’d be livid with my wife if she ever did that, but out of concern for her.

[TheOneWithThePurpleWrapper]

Growing up with an alcoholic father can mean that you pick unsuitable partners for yourself in adulthood because your view of a "normal"
relationship is partly moulded on your parents

You say he has a temper, he's jealous, controlling and has hurt you deeply on numerous occasions. That doesn't sound like a happy healthy relationship. You deserve better than that

Op, please believe what this poster said because they are spot on.

You also have your life with your father to live with along with what he has now been accused of.

Then you have your unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

Please go to AA and try to find a way to a better life without your husband who probably is a very big part of your problem.

[Ivehadtonamechangeforthis]

Only read your first post OP, couldn't read and run.

I think your DP was freaked out by how drunk you got and the risks you took i.e.: getting off the train 4 stops early to puke when there wouldn't be another train, accepting a lift from someone you've never met. I think he was angry and scared knowing your behaviour on your night out put you in danger. Saying you are your fathers' daughter is so hurtful but I really do think it was said out of fear and anger.

I really feel for you with the situation you currently have with your dad, that's awful BUT don't allow yourself to get so paralytic that you take risks that could change your life forever. Know when to stop and if you don't/can't then don't drink at all.

[Collidascope]

OP, I think you're partner is abusive and controlling. There's no excuse for the language he used to you. I can't imagine any situation which could make my partner call me a fucking bitch. Your partner was also saying you could have been with other men, and I imagine him wanting you to text him while you were out was more a matter of controlling you and making you focus on him than out of concern for you. I also think he's using your dad to hurt you. I don't think you need to feel ashamed. It's amazingly easy, when you haven't eaten much, to find yourself drunk very fast, and I'm sure most of us have been there, even without the dad situation to make it all worse. It's not as if this happens to you everyday and it wasn't some huge moral failing. As for getting in the car with the woman -well, to be honest, I would feel safer getting into a car with an unknown woman than a male taxi driver.
I hope thing start to improve for you.

[Collidascope]

Sorry, a stupid bitch rather than a fucking bitch... So not on.

[WitchesHatRim]

I don't think you need to feel ashamed. It's amazingly easy, when you haven't eaten much, to find yourself drunk very fast

Sorry but I don't think most people have drunk to the point of blacking out.

[Theseaweed]

I don't hear abuse in your DP but complete fear. Sounds like he was trying to shock you into never putting yourself in that situation again.

[splendidisolation]

I agree with your DP. I don't agree him having sworn at you is some horrific pearl clutching red flag offensive.

I once called my sister a selfish cunt and thew some hair straighteners at her face. We still love each other.

The story of your father is sad, but this is your life and its not "normal" to be sat at am abandoned train station covered in vomit with a stranger so concerned she drove you home.

You dont have to feel guilty about it - but you need to reflect.

[Collidascope]

"I once called my sister a selfish cunt and thew some hair straighteners at her face. We still love each other."

Presumably this happened before you became an adult?

[qazxc]

I'll reiterate the previous posters who said you are not your dad.
You made a mistake, a big one, but you realise that.
If you feel that you tend to use alcohol as a crutch to help when you feel emotional or nervous, you're probably better off giving it up.
I understand that your dp got a fright and was angry, but calling you names, saying he hates you and going for the emotional jugular are not on.

[splendidisolation]

@Collidascope

I think I was around 16/17!

[Whisky2014]

Ffs op doesn't need AA.
God mumsnet is so extreme sometimes

The rookie mistake was drinking when you were stressed, not eaten and little sleep.
If you remember what happened this time you will not make these mistakes again.

Always line your tummy and drink water inbetween!

The majority of us have done stupid stuff like this. Your husband is out of order.

[Bubblebubblepop]

The idea that you'd go to AA and talk about your one night getting battered and vomming in the train would be very funny if it weren't so disrespectful to the other AA attendees who will be there for serious and potentially life's threatening situations.

[sonjadog]

You don´t need to go to AA. It was just one night. Your DH´s reaction was over the top, but it probably came from a place of worry and fear. Maybe he recognized your father´s behaviour in your behaviour that night and it frightened him?

I suggest to leave it for a couple of days, let both of you calm down and then have a chat about what happened. And then move on from this. If you feel that more support might be good for you, then find a new counsellor.

[LillyGrinter]

Hi Op, I think you're getting a really hard time. I got really drunk a few months after losing a baby which was out of character. I was with friends who got me home safely but I was so so sick and my poor dh had to clean after me. The following day he made a joke out of it as I was so embarrassed. But he didn't lay into me. Sometimes when you're not yourself and are feeling vulnerable, it's easy to lose your sensible head and end up doing something stupid. Chin up it doesn't sound like you'll do it again. When you feel better, you can decide whether your DP was just reacting through fear or there is something more seriously wrong in your relationship

[TheOneWithThePurpleWrapper]

Anyone who thinks they have a problem with Alcohol can attend AA and its very clear from what the OP has said that she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol going back years.

Lately she's been worried about her behaviour at a summer BBQ when she relied on alcohol to feel more comfortable socially.

Then there was what happened this week.

The fact is that when the OP does drink its to the extreme.

[TheOneWithThePurpleWrapper]

OP, this link has some information in it that you may find helpful.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/Newcomers/Is-AA-for-you?

I hope everything improves for you soon.

[Fairylea]

Op has admitted she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and with alcoholism in the family a visit to AA, if the op wishes, is not extreme advice.

Drinking to blackout / this sort of situation is not normal. Our culture and society has begun to normalise this behaviour and because lots of people are doing it people are starting to think it’s okay and normal but it really isn’t. We have a huge problem with alcoholism in our country.

[PlectrumElectrum]

His reaction was essentially all about him and how he felt and lashing out at you.
A bit of empathy for your situation wouldn't go amiss

&

No loving partner should ever, ever talk like this, however worried they may be. It is inexcusable and would make me question the whole basis of the relationship.

I agree with both these comments. Making bad choices & mistakes are the things you need to think about/reflect on but your DP has no excuse for his behaviour/actions by making this about him. He's framed your evening by his constant texting & then pointedly telling you he was going to bed. He wanted to make you baulk at the thought of contacting him when you were likely going to need help the most - he did this to set you up for his anger when you were supposed to contact him, but he didn't factor in that his mood/anger would have you, in your drunken bewildered state, so affected that you wouldn't contact him at that point. Even if he's reacted to what happened as a result of his own guilt at possibly contributing to your ending up in such a vulnerable situation, it still doesn't excuse his verbal abuse & manipulation to make this all about how he feels.

We all over react to an extent when worried or panicked but he's gone too far In my opinion. His reaction goes beyond care/worry about you & why you ended up in the state you were in.

[PoshPenny]

Your DH reacted that way out of fear you’re turning into your father - there is a theory alcoholism is hereditary. I think you do need to lay off the drink and certainly think more carefully about not drinking on an empty stomach. Really not good for colleagues to see you like that - however it gets “dismissed” it doesn’t get forgotten. More than anything else, it’s how vulnerable you are when in that state. Very kind of the woman to take you home.