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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son asking for money all the time

88 replies

ElasticatedJeans · 19/10/2017 16:33

This has come to a head today as it’s half term next week.

My DS is 13 (year 9). I work FT so I’m not around during school holidays but I work one mile away from home, so if there’s a problem I can go straight home.

Anyway DS is constantly asking for money. Today he text me after school asking me to put money on his Osper card so he could buy drinks etc while he’s with his friends. I said no and told him to be home at 6.30 for his tea. Tomorrow he wants to go to the fair and wants £30 for that. No doubt on Saturday he’ll want a tenner for drinks and food while he’s with his friends and the same again on Sunday. We live off the beaten track so once he’s out he doesn’t want to come home for lunch or tea. His curfew is 8pm and I’m not cooking again at 8pm just because he wants to stay out with his mates.

I’ve got no doubt that he’ll ask me for at least £10 a day next week while he’s off school.

I’ve told him to stop asking for money all the time and he agrees and then the following day he’s at it again!

I’m fed up with it to be honest. I don’t want him to be thirsty or hungry but I simply cannot afford to give him £10 a day for food.

His step dad gave him £40 last Saturday and he blew it in a day on cinema/food/drinks/train fare.

AIBU?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 19/10/2017 16:57

Has he learnt if he asks often enough, you give in and give him more money?

Slimthistime · 19/10/2017 16:59

of course you don't want him to be thirsty or hungry

stop giving him money!!!

he can make sandwiches and take bottled drinks.

yes he might have to be a bit away from his mates one half term but he will learn that you mean it.

PenelopeStoppit · 19/10/2017 16:59

Give him an allowance and warn him that every time he asks for more money you will be knocking a certain amount off his allowance next week/month. It may dissuade him from asking.

ilovesooty · 19/10/2017 17:01

I think £20 a week is reasonable. £40 is more than half what people on jobseekers get. He'll have to knock the drinks from Tesco on the head won't he?

Oly5 · 19/10/2017 17:02

I'd give him an allowance and then say you will be ignoring all future requests for money. Just don't reply to the texts!
I think they can't so much for £20 a week. I'd make it £30 if you can afford it and stick to it. If he doesn't have the cash then he has to stay in or invite friends round.
TBH, you can understand him needing a bit more if you're off the beaten track and he can't just nip home

FrancisCrawford · 19/10/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whitney168 · 19/10/2017 17:03

Give him an allowance and warn him that every time he asks for more money you will be knocking a certain amount off his allowance next week/month. It may dissuade him from asking.

Yep, this is what I was going to suggest - £1 a time for asking the first 5 times, then it moves to £5 a time.

FauxFox · 19/10/2017 17:04

Give him £20 a week (if you can afford it) and then tell him he needs to earn anything more. He can wash the car, mow the lawn, babysit (for you or neighbours) or sell outgrown stuff on eBay to raise some cash if he wants it enough.

DD is 12 and gets £5 a week so far, she doesn't go out alone a lot yet but recently she smashed her phone screen and I made her raise the money to replace it. It's important for them to realise the value of money and possessions so they appreciate them more.

Good luck!

Gemini69 · 19/10/2017 17:09

he takes no notice because you then give him it OP

say NO and mean it... x

M4Dad · 19/10/2017 17:11

£30 for the fair?

innagazing · 19/10/2017 17:11

An allowance of £20 a week sounds a fortune for a 13 year old! A person on jobseeker's allowance wouldn't have this left after paying bills and buying food.
What do you do next year and the year after when they ask for an increase as they're older?

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 19/10/2017 17:12

If you say no 90% of the time, you are essentially training him to keep asking because he still gets a high enough hit rate to make it worth it. He's the rat pressing the food-dispensing pedal over and over again for its entire life because, hey, it sometimes works and you never know when, so why wouldn't you?

Give him a fixed allowance and either stop responding to the asking altogether, or start giving it negative consequences.

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 19/10/2017 17:14

Ps. I would definitely suggest nipping this in the bud now, which means 0% tolerance in future and a hard heart if necessary, unless you want him to keep treating you like a faulty ATM well beyond his teenage years.

Bluelonerose · 19/10/2017 17:16

Give him a set amount and say tough if it's gone.

Or tell him you'll quite happily give him £10 after he's cleaned the house etc.

DerelictWreck · 19/10/2017 17:19

I can't believe how much people are suggesting you give . In our family a 13 year old gets £30 a month for leisure stuff if they have all lunches and clothes bought for them. But we don't expect them to go to the cinema/mcdonalds every weekend, that's excessive. We are in the North so it's cheaper, but honestly, no 13yo needs £40 a week for hanging out with their mates. He needs to learn to do free stuff like the football you mentioned and hanging out at each others houses.

scootinFun · 19/10/2017 17:22

Tbf I give my 9 yr old £4 a week but it was going out on trains buses that would come to £5 for return tix - hence my suggestion of £40. Op mentioned they were quite far out so that’s why I suggested that amount.

gunsandbanjos · 19/10/2017 17:35

My 13 year old gets £30 per month and the occasional £10 if she’s going out with friends, but she never asks, it’s never expected it’s just an extra treat when I feel like it.

KH369 · 19/10/2017 17:35

Make your meals at normal time, tell him to stick it in the microwave when he gets homes. Don't keep giving him money for food when you're making perfectly good meals at home. yanbu but at the same time kids want to join in, so if one kid is having tea from kfc then they all want kfc and so on and so forth. Why dont you give him some jobs to do around the house over half term to 'earn' the money instead. I.e. before he leaves the house he must tidy his room, hoover up and make his bed then the next day he must tidy & hoover the living room before he leaves etc. My step son has to do a couple of odd jobs (hoovering, tidying round) to earn the money his mum spends on the food for his pet and I think that's a solid idea. Teaches them value for money as well as responsibility (and you can put your feet up!)

ShellyBoobs · 19/10/2017 17:37

I find it very hard to believe his claim that his friends get £10/day in the holidays for random daily spending.

That's £70/week!

It's more than many working adults would have spare to chuck about on fast food and canned drinks.

Kids living like that are going to have a shock when they get older.

specialsubject · 19/10/2017 17:37

At 13 he can cope with the maths. You don't have the money. That's it.

I agree that it is time to start penalising the whinging. Either financially or with phone removal.

CrackedEgg · 19/10/2017 17:39

Sorry and I get your frustrations but this behaviour is the product of being allowed to get away with small demands over time and those small demands are building up. My 10 year old works each weekend to earn his £1 pocket money. Yes, £1...not more. He's 10. He has no need for money. When we go out, he doesn't get money to spend willy nilly like most of his friends do. I set boundaries, I have never been ashamed to say I cannot afford it and explain how I chose to spend the little money we have. He understands and doesn't make many demands. Now and then, I will suggest a treat....do you fancy a chinese tonight (his favourite) or when we go out, I'll ask if he'd like xyz and surprise him.

When he goes out with friends I give him about £3. That's enough for a drink, a chocolate and a packet of crisps. In the summer holidays, he stayed home alone (not as bad as it sounds, my brother lives 2 min walk away, and my SIL works from home so my son would cycle back and forth most days and go walking the dogs etc) I prepared a pack lunch for him, full of goodies to spoil him. He had his friends round to our house, and they made tacos and pizza etc. Socialising does not have to be expensive. My friends and I mostly socialise in each others houses so maybe my son is happy to continue in the same way.

I am sure as he gets older, his demands will increase, however I know that he truly does understand I am a single parent who works damned hard to support him on my own (father is a US citizen and pay zilch). I explain to him I love him beyond words and that love is expressed in the time we spend together and not by how much money/presents he gets. He has guitar lessons, he does judo once a week and is well fed and watered. He's loved and is not short of my time.

I would get tough and put my foot down. You need to get his father on board too. Put limits and stick to them. Your son needs to learn to budget his money but he will never need to or learn to if he keeps getting money. Sit with him and suggest you could make it easier by giving him a set amount on a daily basis, or if he prefers, on a weekly basis, but stick to your guns...if he blows it in one go....tough.

Show him the fridge and cupboards....he can reduce his eating bill by making a sandwich and keeping his allowance for drinks or going out. Teach him how he can make wise decisions and prioritise his money. I do this all the time with my son. He wants to blow £2 on a bit of nonsense....I suggest and remind him he was also talking about buying a certain book or cd....would he rather not spend that £2 and next week we can go out and buy the book, or would he like to think about it for half an hour and we can always come back and buy the bit of nonsense? I am not saying no....its his pocket money, but its teaching him to not feel he has to spend the money just because its in his pocket.

Your son is still at an age where he can learn. If you want to give him the opportunity to earn more money, set him household chores that have to be done to earn that extra money...teach him it has to be earned.

nameusername · 19/10/2017 17:39

OP, best to get him started on financial responsibility so nip this constant asking for money situation immediately. He needs to plan his spending wisely.

The world's a changing but I was only given £5 weekly. Granted that school was only 5 mins walk and either bring lunch and drink or pay using my own pocket money. My friends never believed when I told them my allowance. Anyway, the good thing is that it made me financial savvy. Needs vs Wants. I was able to save up whatever is left from the weekly allowance. It's nice to see them build up. I've also learned that I can't spend money on things that I can't afford. Yes, at times I'm disappointed not being able to go out with my friends larking in shopping centre, arcade, etc. but we also made do with non spending activity like skateboarding etc. Does he help with the housework at all? I mean if he's a good kid helping around the house without being asked, I'll be inclined to throw in a fiver once in a while to his kitty.

Can he not go round the neighbourhood looking for some light work, car wash, garden sweeping, etc? After all, money don't grow on trees.

CrackedEgg · 19/10/2017 17:41

Incidentally. I don't have £10 left over in my weekly budget to fritter away on time out with friends lol If you want to adopt a clean 48 year old....I'm there! ;)

Scaredparent · 19/10/2017 17:42

I suspect that he is on drugs tbh

SummatFishyEre · 19/10/2017 17:44

Agree with knocking money off next month's allowance if he keeps asking you

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