To be happy it will soon be illegal to smack children?

[speakout]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-41678797

Brilliant news.

I wasn't talking about smacking I was talking about people who say they use no discipline at all. No time out/treat withdrawal/etc etc

I'm mostly the same. I try very hard not to use random punishments, but instead let the child learn through natural / logical consequences. Works very well so far.

www.extension.umn.edu/family/school-success/families/building-stronger-parent-child-relationships/using-natural-and-logical-consequences/

'Just say yes I hit my kids and I am proud of the punishment. Stop trying to minimise your actions. You are getting angry/frustrated with your little defenceless toddlers and young children because of mundane things (not getting out of a car etc.). You get angry and can’t control your emotions so you hit/beat/smack/tap a child to try regain some control.'

This ^. It's bad enough people lose control and hit their dc but its appalling how they minimise it. It's always allegedly to stop dc doing something risking their lives, never the actual truth 'I lost control'.

Hilarious. Only one person responds to the circumcision and smacking post and says they are different things altogether.

How? Are they nuts? Cutting bits off a small child who can't consent is ok but a smack because the child doesn't behave isn't ?

I suppose circumcision is for health reasons despite the fact that loads of people have foreskins with no ill effects whereas smacking has no benefit?

I agree beating a child is wrong. Small children however push boundaries and infinite patience is needed to say "don't do that it's dangerous" a million times as they deliberately wind you up. What price your mental health over that of a child?

Never saw so many saintly people as in this thread. Of course we will see how the kids turn out.

Hilarious. Only one person responds to the circumcision and smacking post and says they are different things altogether

They are, if nothing else the intent is completely different.

I'm not quite sure why you are trying to derail this thread, but if you want to start a petition about banning non medical circumcisions I and many others here will happily sign it.

I'll sign that petition too, but in the meantime let's not derail this thread.

For those asking how you teach children to behave well without hitting them:

• I explain why something is not a good idea (using the law of natural consequences - if you fall from there you will hurt yourself badly, etc).

• Distraction - that's not for you, lovely, but look at this exciting thing over here.

• Modelling good behaviour and manners in your own interactions with others and with property (let's just put this litter in the bin, shall we?)

• Talking about situations that have happened (sometimes just things witnessed, sometimes our own actions).

• Occasionally I have had to pick a small child up and remove it - I try not to do that though.

Never used punishments - no naughty step, time out etc. I generally treat small children in much the same way as I'd treat a puppy.

But there's a lot of information out there, in the form of books, websites, chat sites, and parenting classes, for those who want to access it.

I know Shona sibary seems to thrive on being a nasty cow but she's just been on this morning defending slapping her 14yr old for calling her a bitch.
No Shona, you take their phones off them, you stop pocket money, you ground them . Only people who have no control over their own behaviour physically attack their dc.

Not RTFT but YANBU. I am delighted. To me hitting kids is on a par with when people used to be legally allowed to hit their wives. No, worse actually, as children are smaller and defenceless. The sooner it is illegal the better.

Using no punishments is not the same as using no discipline.

It is possible to instill a good moral compass in children without the need for random punishments.

It's not the threat of punishment that stops me from killing someone. It's my moral compass.

Children are no different.

My children know I have high expectations of behaviour.
I have never punished them.
Instead I have fostered a deep respect of others in them.

Something that smacking hinders.

Sorry, I honestly truly thought it's been illegal to smack your kids for a long time now???

Never used punishments - no naughty step, time out etc. I generally treat small children in much the same way as I'd treat a puppy.

I do everything you suggest, and have well behaved and adjusted children who are thriving and are part of a loving family. However, we are not perfect and there are sometimes squabbles and fall outs and there have been times when I have felt punishment has been necessary, and yes, times when I have shouted and become angry. I find it difficult to believe those who claim their family life is so well ordered and controlled that they have never needed to 'punish', ever....
and have never allowed any hint of frustration or anger to penetrate their aura of calmness!

Ultimately, parents are humans, and humans are imperfect... even the best of us mess up sometimes. I'm instinctively very suspicious of anyone who claims a perfect record, as it's invariably masking something and not all as perfect as it seems.

It is possible to instill a good moral compass in children without the need for random punishments.

Withholding a treat for bad behaviour, or removing a game that children are fighting over, isn't a random punishment. It's making them aware that there are consequences to their actions. Punishment is not my default method of dealing with a child who is misbehaving, but it's a part of my range of responses to be deployed where appropriate. I don't think I've ever met a child who has never been punished in their life who isn't a complete tearaway!

KatherinaMinola I'm sure a lot of parents do that anyway and its all helpful information to know especially when you're at your wits end.

if you fall from there you will hurt yourself badly
What would your explanation be if you had to go to the hospital. You cant say proudly that you use the law of natural consequences they'll think your mad.

I watched a documentary about sexual abuse going on with children abusing other children in primary and secondary schools. Children need to understand the word no and what it means. Children need boundaries they need to learn right from wrong, And they cant always have there own way. Children aren't born bad its how they're brought up.

I don't think I've ever met a child who has never been punished in their life who isn't a complete tearaway!

coconut, well I beg to differ.

Many of my friends using "loving guidance" as an approach rather than punishment.

I have never punished my kids. Interestingly they have never been punished at school either, not once.
My DD is currently head girl in her last year at a large secondary school, positions that are chosen for students not for academic achievement but because they set a good example of behaviour and provide a role model for others.
My son was head boy at the same school two years ago in his final year too.
The teenage years have been very easy- far from the "complete tearaway" image you describe.

So your either your kids do whatever they like and there are no consequences, in which case I bet your kids are a treat hmm, or your kids are practically perfect in every way, in which case you're deluded.

Thanks for that.

My kids are gorgeous, very lovely human beings. They make mistakes, and I help them. I have never had to punish them, but yet here they are knowing empathy, consequences, and morals.

Sometimes I lose my shit. Like yesterday. But my kids know we all lose our shit from time to time.

I taught them how to deal with the positive emotions and more importantly, the negative. Not a punishment in sight.

Punishment teaches children to avoid the punishment, not learn morally from their mistakes/wrongdoings.

OK Happy, but you did ask, and I've taken the trouble to answer your question. I can only answer from my own experiences, obviously.

Wrt to needing to go to hospital, of course I wouldn't let it get to that stage - and I think that's the key: preventing a situation from getting out of hand. So I'd cut a trip short if I could see a DC getting into a strange mood, or avoid a potentially dangerous/exciting place if I could see it wasn't the right time.

Often I think (with smaller children particularly) things like having had enough sleep, having a snack at the right time etc, can prove crucial.

Of course you can tell a child "no". But you don't need to beat them while you do that.

My 13 year old dd is lovely we have a good relationship. She studies hard and sometimes I have to tell her relax do it during half term. We do believe in boundaries know one will ever see my children hanging around the streets doing nothing. My children go out for a purpose like to the cinema or shopping in town.

Of course you can tell a child "no". But you don't need to beat them while you do that.

I never mentioned the word beat in my post. Boundaries is what I posted which is completely different.

No, you didn't, but I am explaining that it's perfectly possible to have boundaries and yet not hit (or indeed otherwise punish) children.

Ultimately, parents are humans, and humans are imperfect... even the best of us mess up sometimes. I'm instinctively very suspicious of anyone who claims a perfect record, as it's invariably masking something and not all as perfect as it seems.

coconutella, I'm happy to admit that I'm very far from perfect! I wear a tracksuit a lot of the time, kill all houseplants, and can't seem to get the knack of tidiness. But my personality is pretty consistent, and I consistently do treat other people (I hope) as I would like to be treated.

No perfection here either.

My kids mess us sometimes, they get irritable, can be lazy- as can I, and many other faults too.

We are human. We are constantly learning.We can forgive, try again, move on.

Hitting each other doesn't come into it.

How many parents can admit to using bribery to get good results. Rewarding hard work or passing an exam?

My other dd is working hard at the moment for another zoo animal to come into the house. I should start charging people soon to see the animals.

I don't punish or reward.

Children need to learn to work for their own success.

I can’t see that this is going to make much difference. those that want to smack will carry on smacking behind close doors.

as other posters have said, it does go on in say Finland and in New Zealand. In NZ the amount of serious abuse of children hasn’t really changed.

so it’s just a big battle.

Many of my friends using "loving guidance" as an approach rather than punishment.

So do I, and equally my children have never been in trouble at school. But are you genuinely saying that you've never ever used any sanctions.... e.g. "You're fighting over that game so you need to stop it, put that game away and do something else"... or we talking cross-purposes and you'd refer to that as loving guidance where as I might refer to it as punishment.

However I have punished by restricting 'screen time' for insolence for instance. I regard that as reasonable parenting.

coconuttella yes there are natural consequences for behaviour, I don't see them as sanctions though.

If children are repeatedly squabbling over a game I may intervene and help them sort out ground rules - that would be a useful lesson in leaning to cooperate.
If that fails then I will suggest they move on to a new activity.

Perhaps to you that is a punishment.