DH won't cancel with some friends he sees regularly to meet with other friends we haven't seen much lately

[revolution909]

DH meets with some friends if his every Friday that's pretty much every Friday and very rarely gets canceled. We meet with some other friends (these ones are more mutual but DH can take them or leave them). Because of childcare and life in general, we haven't been able to see the Saturday ones in more than a month. We were originally supposed to see them on Saturday but they have childcare issues so suggested Friday instead. The Friday friends were likely to cancel because a friend of theirs was visiting but nothing has been confirmed. I thought the best solution was to cancel the Friday friends (as they might cancel anyways!) and see the others instead. DH basically said NO because he appreciates the continuity and routine of meeting his friends on Friday. I feel he's being unreasonable and inflexible because he's seen his friends and I haven't seen mine so it would make sense to put them first? Who's being unreasonable?

So he and his friends meet regularly to play something - like Dingeons and Dragons? I can see why they won't change plans, if that's so; ime gamers don't do that except for the direst of reasons.

What do your friends do when you meet? Are they at your house too? Are you gaming too?

What is Pandemic?

he doesn't get anything out by looking after DD while I go running. DD has to be in bed because otherwise she interrupts their game.

Does he look after DD while you are running? Or is she in bed?

Gobbolinothewitchscat it's the "Legacy" version that takes a lot longer. I've played both and the first one takes at least 90 mins! They play other games that take even longer, but that's too technical!

I've never really got why my friends only like to meet as couples. My main theory is because the original friends were us the ladies, then the husbands tagged along. So just having one husband is a bit like a three wheeler? But then just the girls meeting is like taking "quality time" away from our husbands? But simply it just has never worked. I don't try to understand it anymore, I just accept that that's how she/they like it!

@Jux Jackpot! that's pretty much what they are :) When my friends come over we do tend to play games but the casual ones. We don't care if we don't finish the game... We drink, get merry sometimes watch a film? They come to our house because of childcare reasons, that way our DD doesn't have to be with a babysitter

speakout She's awake , I don't like running in the dark so basically i disappear from breakfast til lunchtime. In the summer it might be slightly different, but for the most part she's awake

've never really got why my friends only like to meet as couples. My main theory is because the original friends were us the ladies, then the husbands tagged along. So just having one husband is a bit like a three wheeler? But then just the girls meeting is like taking "quality time" away from our husbands? But simply it just has never worked. I don't try to understand it anymore, I just accept that that's how she/they like it!

It's just weird. Most people are still able to view a couple as two independent people in their own right and also try and be accommodating when meeting up. God forbid your DH became seriously ill and couldn't go out - you'd clearly never see these folk again. Obviously no gay couples welcome either as that would upset the numerical equilibrium of sexes

If I were you, I'd say fuck it and take myself off to the cinema by myself instead of running myself ragged trying to please everyone and doing all the cooking to boot

This is the thing to do. You're spending time thinking about all this and asking people on Mumsnet, whilst they just seem to do what they want. You have to stick to strict rules whilst others do what suits them.

Search me! When I've been around by myself at their house her DH usually disappears, this has only happened twice but it's odd! When she's been around my DH usually does stick around. But we've invited her to come by herself and she's never wanted to! So she's happy if my DH happens to be there but never as let's all three hang out! And vice versa

I've never really got why my friends only like to meet as couples.

Given that your friends don’t want to meet you alone and DH is already busy; and that they changed the original Saturday agreement, I think that’s the arrangement that needs to be cancelled.

To be honest I’d respond to their suggestion of Friday saying DH is busy, but you’d be happy to meet, and see what happens.

Sorry if this has already been answered bt why do the gaming friends always come to yours - most people I know hwo have this kind of regular hobby thing take it in turns to host. if they did that then at least yo;d get a Friday nigth where you could relax without having to run round and cook for people playing a board game.

(sorry off topic I know) It all sounds very complicated to me - too many folk being inflexible.

My first thought was also about him being inflexible about Friday nights, but then are you inflexible about Sunday mornings (and is that different if you are)? I still think him booking out every Friday night is difficult as you are in a couple and you may sometimes want to do something different, but I also get that it can be nice for some people to have regular arrangements. A compromise might be that he does it three Fridays a month but then that puts pressure on you the other Friday to do something whether or not you want to, otherwise he might as well be playing his game. So I don’t know. I think I would probably accept having to make an arrangement with the other friends weeks ahead if they are also inflexible and then find other nice things to do in the meantime.

@KurriKurri because we have a top of the range gaming table that cost a fortune, that's why!

UPDATE: Friday friends ended up canceling (as I thought they would!) but Saturday friends are now not sure if they can make it on Friday!

I give up!

Oh OK - sorry I don't know anything about this game - didn;t know it needed a special table - that sounds fair enough. I know you said you like cooking, but I hope they bring you a bunch of flowers or something sometimes to show their appreciation.

Hope you manage to find some way of meeting your friends (I see it's got even more complicated !!)

SummerKelly that's why I'm happy with the arrangement as it is. I have some flexibility as to the time my Sunday runs are, BUT I always have to run. I think i've only not done it once in the past 3 months. He knows it, he's supportive and he knows it's expected of him. I have an extremely time consuming hobby and he does help me to get it done. Like doing the after schools sometimes because I have running club, getting up insanely early so I can go and race, etc..

KurriKurri they never do.. They just feel bad I cook!

I used to be a runner too, so I get it, which is why I feel it’s more reasonable that he has his fixed thing too than if you didn’t have that. Anyway, bearing in mind your latest update, I guess things generally work out one way or another in the end if you leave it long enough!

SummerKelly Yup, you see where I'm coming from! Lesson here, I shouldn't have raised it until later in the week, but i like to get things solved LOL!

Oooh, what's a gaming table? Can we have a pic? I have no idea what one is

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I've played Pandemic. It's a good game, but I can't imagine playing it for 6 hours every week.

But I get the give and take and accommodating each other's interests thing. You sound quite sorted to be honest.

OP is it this Pandemic? That is for ages 8 .and up? Doesn't look much bigger than monopoly so think he's taking the piss!! Could easily be transported to someone else's abode!

"That is for ages 8 and up?"

Your problem is that you are stuck in between two inherently inflexible groups of people who won't compromise.

This is the best description of the problem.

Exactly what @Trills says! Also meant to post this pic of what google says it is. As my Scottish granny would say they are 'takin' a lain of ye' and your guid nature!

I'm really not good at this!