DH won't cancel with some friends he sees regularly to meet with other friends we haven't seen much lately

[revolution909]

DH meets with some friends if his every Friday that's pretty much every Friday and very rarely gets canceled. We meet with some other friends (these ones are more mutual but DH can take them or leave them). Because of childcare and life in general, we haven't been able to see the Saturday ones in more than a month. We were originally supposed to see them on Saturday but they have childcare issues so suggested Friday instead. The Friday friends were likely to cancel because a friend of theirs was visiting but nothing has been confirmed. I thought the best solution was to cancel the Friday friends (as they might cancel anyways!) and see the others instead. DH basically said NO because he appreciates the continuity and routine of meeting his friends on Friday. I feel he's being unreasonable and inflexible because he's seen his friends and I haven't seen mine so it would make sense to put them first? Who's being unreasonable?

While DH plays games I either finish work or look after our DD

He's got the best side of the deal, hasn't he?

As Rhiannon says, this set-up serves your friends and your DH.

I get that you like cooking but it seems to be expected of you now. So you cook for them, do the childcare (presumably clean up after them?!) while DH and friends sit their playing games?! You're not socialising, OP, you're enabling them to socialise at your expense.

I would be cutting back these visits to once a month for both couples, and alternate food responsibility - so you cook one month, they order food/bring takeout the next time.

You're not being weird to find it awkward, your DH just doesn't to see his gravy train end.

Because he doesn't meet with his friends just to socialize... They play a game that lasts 6 hrs maybe even more. Inviting other people would mean they can't play that game so we might as well cancel.

That game is a mahoosive box and that's why it's easier to just keep that box at home. We also have a room set up for games, so it ALWAYS makes sense to host.

What would he say if you suggested he took his turn at cooking/clearing up?

I mean, I can probably guess.

You cook for people, they come over to play some game for 6 hours while you tend to your dd or are dealing with the food/clearing up etc.

So what do you get out of this arrangement?

Tell your dh his friends can FOTHFSOF because you want to see your friends, who respect and include you. Unlike him and his friends.

Is this the 1950’s, you can’t go out until dd is asleep??

@RhiannonOHara I see t as even because on Sunday he has to look after DD for hours and by that i mean more than 2-3 so i can do my marathon training. I also follow a very specific diet (again part of the training) so that's why I end up cooking. So that bit of it doesn't really bother me. Because I'd rather do that than have pizza...

So he can't have his friends to the house & you go out with yours?

We also have a room set up for games, so it ALWAYS makes sense to host.

Then your DH can game with his mates in that room (and order pizza if they want feeding) and you can have a civilised dinner, that you've cooked, in the living room with your mates.

Mummyoflittledragon I don't get much out of this arrangement, but why should I? he doesn't get anything out by looking after DD while I go running. DD has to be in bed because otherwise she interrupts their game. His friends are sweet about it, but I get why it is annoying.

He clears up his own room, because it's his pride and joy. Dishes are done by the dishwasher.

to me its more annoying that i can' have a shower o rI can't change to my PJ's that sort of thing.

Why does he get priority because every single week the OP cooks for him and these friends and then gets out of their way? That sounds like more reason to see her friends to me!!

Prior arrangements should take priority over new plans HOWEVER the problem with this is that your DH has essentially prebooked every Friday night with these friends indefinitely. So even if you wanted to do something on a Friday next March with your friends, DH has already reserved it.

I think in this case the short notice means you should stick to original plans, but I also think it's time to review how fair this arrangement is.

Ultimately I know that my DH doing his thing and me doing mine makes the most sense, but my friends like to hang out as couples :/ , so that is a moot point too!

What game is it?! I can see then why the other friends don't want to join you

I think the best thing is to meet your friends on your own - that relieves you from cooking duties too

@OneFlewOverTheDodosNest that's pretty much in a nutshell what's happening. What aggravates me is that his friends were thinking of canceling anyways... So they might as well just cancel!

I genuinely don't mind that much, but all i ask for (because it's a permanent thing) for some flexibility, because sometimes other things might come up, which in my case does include prioritising other friends!

Can you change the rule to "only two games nights can be booked in at once"? That way it gives your DH enough time to know when the next couple are e.g. the next two Fridays but also means your calendar isn't permanently blockaded for his friends.

Gobbolinothewitchscat It's a board game called Pandemic. My friends only like to meet as couples so :/

How does 6+ hours of your husband playing games, plus having food cooked for him and his friends, everything cleared up and children cared for equal 2-3 hours whilst you are doing your marathon training?

he doesn't get anything out by looking after DD while I go running

Possibly the saddest thing I've read all week. He doesn't get anything out of parenting his child?!

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Unfortunately nope.. he really enjoys it's a set thing. just as the other two it's pretty much a set thing on Saturdays but they have kids so t's never as simple. My DH never really wants to get involved in why they might cancel or not
and just put it all together as "well they don't prioritise us, why should we?" When it has been because they've had no childcare, their DD got sick one weekend, etc..

@NotTheFordType Somebody mentioned I was doing the childcare while he played games. i'm just making the equivalence.

If you swop playing the game for for going to watch all the football matches / play golf every Sat this is a classic MN discussion.

Your DH has decided Friday nights are for his hobby in perpetuity. If you can live with that I would at least get them to rotate the hosting (they have lounges/kitchens !) otherwise it will become a source of real annoyance.

iseenodust Exactly, and I have my own hobby so it's all good. Again the hosting doesn't bother me at all, and it makes sense. this "games room" cost us a small fortune so we like to see our money's worth. What annoys me is the "inflexibility" of changing plans.

Is this it? en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandemic_(board_game)

It says the set up is 10 mins and playing time is 45 mins.

Could they have one round of 45 mins and then you both go and meet your friends?

Although, why must your other friends only meet as couples?

Your problem is that you are stuck in between two inherently inflexible groups of people who won't compromise.

If I were you, I'd say fuck it and take myself off to the cinema by myself instead of running myself ragged trying to please everyone and doing all the cooking to boot

OP, How does 6+ hours of your husband playing games, plus having food cooked for him and his friends, everything cleared up and children cared for equal 2-3 hours whilst you are doing your marathon training? NB I know you said it's more than 2–3 hours; am just quoting the PP's post.

What does he do apart from look after your –HIS –child when you're training? Does he do anything equivalent to cooking and sorting out things for friends?

Back to the flexibility thing, I agree with this:
the problem with this is that your DH has essentially prebooked every Friday night with these friends indefinitely. So even if you wanted to do something on a Friday next March with your friends, DH has already reserved it.

It's nuts to monopolise every Friday night, or whatever, for ever!

I'm sorry, your DH sounds incredibly childish. He can't cancel just this once for the sake of social politeness to people you haven't seen for a while because he wants to play a game?!