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Original poster

Punishment for lying

79 replies

bumblebee24 · 17/10/2017 14:05

DH believes I went about this the wrong way..

Our 5 year old is at the point of lying. He's trying his luck, but it's not going very well because he's not very good at it!

Anyway.. he did something (minor really). He dragged his school bag along the wet grass while I ran back in the house for something. DD4 told me - as younger siblings always do!

I asked him if he did it. He said no repeatedly.
So I asked him why his bag had a wet drag mark on it. I also told him that I wasn't going to tell him off for dragging it, but I will if he keeps lying.
He admitted that he did drag it.
I asked why he lied to me, he said he didn't know.

All of this happened in the space of around 7 minutes i would say.

Now - every day, I buy them a little something from the shop to have after school. It may be a 30p pack of candy sticks or a chocolate bar etc. Just a little something to eat on the way home.

So I told him that because he lied to me, I wouldn't buy him anything that day.

I explained this to DH when I got back from the school run. He told me I was taking it too far because he only lied over something minor. "Because he's only 5"

But I see it as whether it's minor or major - he still lied and he needs to understand that it's not a good thing to lie.

I didn't even tell him off or raise my voice at the time.. I just simply said "because you lied to me, I won't be getting you anything from the shop today".

DH ended up bringing him something home from work because he said I was being unfair.

Basically, was I being unreasonable by not buying him something, as punishment for lying.

I also didn't buy anything for DD, nothing was actually said when I got them. It's like they didn't even notice I had no snacks!

OP posts:
Impostress99 · 17/10/2017 16:33

I can't get past the sweets bought every single day after school plus 3 fruits.

Pengggwn · 17/10/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Getoutofthatgarden · 17/10/2017 16:43

Then again I wouldn’t be buying my child treats on the way home in the first place

Wind your neck in, no-one's interested. The OP is not asking about treats.

MsGameandWatching · 17/10/2017 16:54

Wind your neck in, no-one's interested. The OP is not asking about treats.

This for all of you are staggered by small treats after school. Bore off.

Original poster
bumblebee24 · 17/10/2017 17:14

Judging by all these comments, I will get DH to explain his thinking properly. And fully ask him why he thinks I was wrong.
Because he knows me and he knows our child.

I can't get my head around everyone saying I lied to him. I'm guessing it made sense in my head, but it didn't come out right.

I didn't have time for a punishment that morning because we get the bus to school and the bus stops right outside school. It wasn't mentioned any more after I picked them up.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebee24 · 17/10/2017 17:19

This thing about treats is ridiculous!

We have been going to the dentist since they were a couple of years old. They have lovely teeth regardless of the sugar.
They don't drink any fruit juice - only water or milk.

They eat plenty of vegetables and brush their teeth!

I didn't ask for advice for sugar!

OP posts:
Gazelda · 17/10/2017 17:20

OP, I think you lied to him. And as so many of us are confused and believe you lied to him, he possibly does to.

“DS, did you drag your bag?”
“No” (lie)
“If you tell me the truth you won’t be punished”
“I did it” (truth)
“OK, no sweets is your punishment”

Having said that, your DH shouldn’t have undermined you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/10/2017 17:25

I can't get past the sweets bought every single day after school plus 3 fruits

Lucky for you you don't have to get past it as that's not the point of the OP.

AlternativeTentacle · 17/10/2017 17:30

DH ended up bringing him something home from work because he said I was being unfair.

Did he get something for your daughter as well?

RaspberryRuffless · 17/10/2017 17:38

You basically trapped him...either way he was getting told off/punished for something. If he continued to lie he would be punished for dragging the bag, he then told the truth and was punished for lying?!

Although you didn't even buy your daughter her usual after school treat and they both didn't really notice so he probably forgot he was being punished. Seems a bit pointless.

Impostress99 · 17/10/2017 17:58

I can't get past the sweets bought every single day after school plus 3 fruits

Lucky for us all we have Internet forums where we post whatever we want to, as long as it doesn't break talk guidelines.

crazycatlady5 · 17/10/2017 18:50

I can't get my head around everyone saying I lied to him. I'm guessing it made sense in my head, but it didn't come out right.

You said if he told you the truth he wouldn’t be in trouble. He told you the truth and the consequence was he didn’t get an after school treat.

You lied to him.

2014newme · 17/10/2017 18:53

This ^ you lied to him which must be confusing when you're telling him off fir lying 🤔

RideOn · 17/10/2017 19:47

BrokenBattleDroid has good phrasing.

I also genuinely don't think a 5 year old can always explain why they did something. Sometime they can. When they say "I don't know" I think they may have done it for any number of reasons. I still think fear/avoiding your reaction is the most likely.

Original poster
bumblebee24 · 17/10/2017 22:25

I do agree that @BrokenBattleDroid has good phrasing - possibly the most helpful comment on here.
I also think that @peachgreen made a good comment to, definitely something to think about.
@AlternativeTentacle yes, DH did get something for DD too.

Tomorrow their treat won't be chocolate or sweets. It's going to be a magazine because they both did incredibly well at parents evening tonight.

If my parenting was so shocking that he thinks of me as a big liar or has been damaged by the way I do punishment, then I don't see how he would be doing so well. Or even why he would react how he did when I told him how proud I am of everything he's doing.. if he thought I was just a liar, then he wouldn't have given me a huge kiss and a squeeze.
He is currently in year one and after half term is being moved to the top set of children in his class - a set with only year 2s. Because his work and brightness is the same as a child a whole year older.

I think from now on, I will try to phrase my sentences better.

OP posts:
Bluffinwithmymuffin · 17/10/2017 22:36

Today 15:07 DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen

Of COURSE he's going to lie, he's avoiding getting into trouble.

It's a wet book bag, is it worth all the angst and post mortem of who is right/wrong/lying?

thats what I thought. If you've got a tendency to be one of those mums who frets about bags dragged on wet grass and other things of little importance he'll be a bundle of nerves and you'll turn him into a habitual liar anyway. Some things you have to let go (and cut down on the sweets, it's not a treat if they're getting it every day)

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 17/10/2017 22:38

Oops.... didn't rtft

Clawdy · 17/10/2017 22:47

Choose your battles. This one wasn't worth it. Your DH was right.

speakout · 17/10/2017 22:52

Just sounds all so picky and petty.

I'm with the OH.

A wet school bag is not big deal.
Can easily be dealt with in a firm cheerful way.

But I don't punish.

gamerchick · 17/10/2017 22:54

You punished him for telling the truth when you said you wouldn’t. He’s 5 that’s all he heard.

All this over a wet bag! Poor little bugger, knows his siblings will tattle tell tale (where they punished for telling tales?) and you’ll leap on him, trick him into telling the truth and then punish him anyway.

No wonder you’re having issues. Leave him alone and pick your battles.

llangennith · 17/10/2017 22:55

He's 5 ffs

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2017 22:58

Op. You specifically asked a question in this isolated event, it was were you unreasonable to punish him for lying and the majority answer is yes, because you told him if he was honest you would not punish him, you would punish him only if he continued lying. He did not continue lying, he was honest, and you punished him anyway. This is unreasonable,

The fact it made sense in your own head or you feel you phrased it badly is irrelevant. How could a five year old understand you if you meant something you didn’t say? You lied to him and you trapped him. You got him to tell you the truth under thr pretence he would not get punished if he did then you did it anyway.

Shockers · 17/10/2017 23:01

He told you the truth eventually and you gave him the message that if he owns up, he still gets punished.

He's 5- you can't complicate a message like that. Your response should've been, 'thank you for telling me the truth', then life goes on as normal. This way he will understand that telling the truth is a good thing.

You've just taught him it's pointless!

IvorHughJars · 17/10/2017 23:05

I don't think you lied to him op. I get it. I've said that to ds in the past too when he's fibbing about small stupid stuff - that the small stuff doesn't or won't make me cross, but the lying does. And there are consequences for that. How are you supposed to reinforce that it's a horrible habit, if when he admits to a lie you say nothing further about it and there is no consequence?! That's just daft.

Fwiw I don't think you did anything wrong and I do think that your partner undermined you, and that latter point is the important one. There will be times when perhaps you don't react exaclty as you 'should', and you will misjudge things in interactions with your children when you're the only adult present and you need to deal with something right now. And when that happens it's important to be able to discuss it with the other parent and for them to be able to tell you why they think it was a misjudgement. But he shouldn't be 'correcting' it for you in some way, for example by providing a treat that you had withheld; but discussing it, with you, and you both agreeing how you'll each tackle that behaviour in the future so that the DC experience consistency regarding their expected behaviour. I think that's the issue here, not this one particular small incident.

NewDaddie · 17/10/2017 23:08

At first I did get where OP was coming from (my dd is not at that stage yet) and I imagined I might have thought that way too but now the others posters explained it, it makes more sense not to punish a child for honesty.

Lol this parenting lark is more complicated than it looks. Especially now that it’s my own child and I can’t give it back.

You’re obviously doing a great job OP so don’t take it personally. Pp great advice to add your toolkit (I’m going to steal it too).

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