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Original poster

Punishment for lying

79 replies

bumblebee24 · 17/10/2017 14:05

DH believes I went about this the wrong way..

Our 5 year old is at the point of lying. He's trying his luck, but it's not going very well because he's not very good at it!

Anyway.. he did something (minor really). He dragged his school bag along the wet grass while I ran back in the house for something. DD4 told me - as younger siblings always do!

I asked him if he did it. He said no repeatedly.
So I asked him why his bag had a wet drag mark on it. I also told him that I wasn't going to tell him off for dragging it, but I will if he keeps lying.
He admitted that he did drag it.
I asked why he lied to me, he said he didn't know.

All of this happened in the space of around 7 minutes i would say.

Now - every day, I buy them a little something from the shop to have after school. It may be a 30p pack of candy sticks or a chocolate bar etc. Just a little something to eat on the way home.

So I told him that because he lied to me, I wouldn't buy him anything that day.

I explained this to DH when I got back from the school run. He told me I was taking it too far because he only lied over something minor. "Because he's only 5"

But I see it as whether it's minor or major - he still lied and he needs to understand that it's not a good thing to lie.

I didn't even tell him off or raise my voice at the time.. I just simply said "because you lied to me, I won't be getting you anything from the shop today".

DH ended up bringing him something home from work because he said I was being unfair.

Basically, was I being unreasonable by not buying him something, as punishment for lying.

I also didn't buy anything for DD, nothing was actually said when I got them. It's like they didn't even notice I had no snacks!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/10/2017 15:07

Of COURSE he's going to lie, he's avoiding getting into trouble.

It's a wet book bag, is it worth all the angst and post mortem of who is right/wrong/lying?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/10/2017 15:08

LOL@ take them a carrot Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2017 15:09

I don't punish DD for lying. Certainly not when she has finally told the truth. That's a really silly mixed message from you that does the opposite of what you won't. He's learned that never owning up is the way now. What I do is reward her for telling the truth and thank her.

So, she will say, "mummy I will tell the truth I did..." I say, "thank you for telling the truth DD, you would have been in a lot of trouble and got x consequence. But since you told the truth you will get y (smaller) consequence".

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2017 15:09

*want

Bitsandbobsalot · 17/10/2017 15:10

I have a lying rule in my house. It doesn’t matter how bad of a thing you’ve done if you are honest about it we can deal with it. There may be consequences if the behaviour warrants it but there is nothing so bad that my kids should lie to me. If they do something bad and they tell me then I’ve talked it though with them. Eg in your case I’d of asked him. If he’d of lied I’d of told him that I know he’s lying and I’m giving him a chance to tell the truth. If he then did he would of being told that the bag costs money and he should respect his things and if it happened again then there would be a punishment. IF he continued to lie he would be punished.
You made him tell the truth and then punished him so you’ve effectively taught him that he’s in trouble when he tells the truth. So next time he will probably lie
Mine are 19,16 and 13 now and (touch wood) other than a few blibs the lying rule has stood the test of time.

When my ds (19) was around 6 he would tell me a lie that I knew was a lie. I explained to him how that made me feel. I couldn’t trust him and he obviously didnt trust me. I told him that him lying to me made me feel that he thought I was stupid but also most importantly what happens if he keeps lying and one day he’s in serious trouble and I don’t believe him? What would he do then ?

The honesty rule does have a downfall because if I ask a question I get a honest answer 😂
Do these jeans make my bum look big ?
Chorus of 3 kids “yep”

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2017 15:10

You need to be on the same page as your husband when it comes to issues like this. Have you discussed it with him?

DaisyRaine90 · 17/10/2017 15:13

Rainatnight

That’s one hell of a lot of sugar and fruit sugar though.

My DD (at most) has one pudding/sugary thing and two pieces of fruit in a day.

Most days she has no sugar at all.

I wish my parents had limited mine as a child. Now I am dealing with the dental repercussions and the sweet tooth I’ve developed.

Give them a cheese string or some carrots and hummus after school??

& tell DH even if he thinks your wrong he should never undermine you in front of the kids

BrokenBattleDroid · 17/10/2017 15:20

I think I read on here a tip for managing lying in young children and I've found it really helpful. Basically, minimise the opportunity to lie with the way you phrase your question and give them a chance to tell the truth easily.

So instead of "did you do it?" (Which is so tempting to say no as they know you don't want them to have 'done it'). Try "why did you do it", "did you think it was a good idea", "how long did you drag your bag for". That kind of thing.

Still be visibly disappointed that they did it but hold off on a punishment. Thank them for telling the truth so they associate truth telling being a more positive experience than lying. Make sure they really understand what a lie versus truth is.

Once those basics are sorted then you can have particular consequences for lying because they are actually able to make a real choice to lie/not lie. At that age (and especially younger) lying doesn't have the same gravity as it does for us. In my kids, about 5 has been the beginning of really 'getting' it.

I don't think you are big unreasonable to want to be backed up by your partner though, not at all.

Katedotness1963 · 17/10/2017 15:20

It comes across, to me, that you said he wouldn't get in trouble if he told the truth. Then he did and you told him no treat that afternoon. I don't think you were clear.

I can't stand lying, my kids know that lying to me is going to get them in way more trouble than whatever they lie about would!

Pengggwn · 17/10/2017 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/10/2017 15:22

BrokenBattleDroid I agree

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2017 15:24

As a general rule, we should manage children's behaviour to elicit the behaviour we want. You didn't.

MsGameandWatching · 17/10/2017 15:26

I think you created this situation. Tell him firmly not to drag his bag again as you know he did it, tell him the consequence if he does it again then keep to it. All children lie, it is a developmental stage. You don't let them get away with it, ever and it will pass. I just don't agree with the you're lying so I am going to punish you thing, I have done it myself, everything got hugely heightened and rather out of control as I demanded the truth, got affronted by their "dishonesty" and they stood their ground. I had to find a different way.

Kleinzeit · 17/10/2017 15:28

If you already know the answer then don't ask. Instead say "your bag has been dragged through the grass don't do that again" or ".. take all your stuff out and hang it up to dry" or ".. you can't have a treat" or whatever the consequence is.

And I don't understand why you decided to punish him for lying after he told you the truth. He didn't know you were planning to punish him anyway, so you just taught him that if he tells a lie he's better off not admitting it.

missyB1 · 17/10/2017 15:35

I’m not sure what OP thinks her ds learnt from all this, apart from his sister’s tell tales get listened to, and telling the truth results in bad consequences.

FeralBeryl · 17/10/2017 15:49

I think you’ve actually lied here yourself by omission!
You coaxed him into telling you the truth, in his 5 year old understanding that meant no punishment.

And, he’s 5! Pretty sure I’d have chanced a quick drag of my bag too Wink
Yes, by all means teach not to lie, but choose your battles when it comes to ones that require the consequence to be meted out so long afterwards.

peachgreen · 17/10/2017 15:50

My mum had a rule which I plan to adopt - after we told a lie, she gave us one chance to tell the truth, and if we did, we wouldn't be punished for lying. So if she had asked "Did you eat that biscuit?" and I'd said no (with crumbs around my mouth), she would say "I'm going to ask you once more and I want you to tell me the truth. If you tell me the truth now, you won't be in trouble for telling a lie. But if you lie again, ." Then when we told the truth, we would be punished for the thing we had done (where required), but not for telling a lie.

Often kids lie out of a self-protective instinct - this is a good way to tackle that as it makes them stop and really think about it. My mum would always "believe" us after that second time of asking - at least, until she found evidence to the contrary (which was always), at which point we were punished for the thing we had done, PLUS for lying (which was always a harsher punishment).

It worked really well - we both soon learned not to lie and just to accept the original punishment rather than doubling down!

QuiteLikely5 · 17/10/2017 15:52

Op you lied yourself. Not the best way to teach a child not to lie Confused

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2017 15:57

You told him you would “punish him if he kept lying”. So he was honest, and then you punished him for his honesty in telling you. You did not do as you said and only punish him if he kept lying. You tricked him.

Yeah, I think you did very wrong. Terrible message to send. Mum will trick you then punish you anyway. He would have been better to keep lying. And I doubt you’re encouraging him to be honest in future.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2017 15:59

tso you just taught him that if he tells a lie he's better off not admitting it

Even worse she taught him she’s a bigger liar. She lied to him, she told him she would punish him if he wasn’t honest. For a five year old all he knows is she lied.

wheresthel1ght · 17/10/2017 16:00

Seriously people need to learn to read. She told him off for lying not for dragging his bag.

OP I agree with your dh, but for different reasons to his. You were right to tell him off for lying but at 5 they are too young to associate the telling off in the morning with a punishment after school. It will be utterly meaningless not least because it appears he didn't even notice.

Punishment needs to be immediate, so naughty step there and then, not choosing the radio songs, not getting to run ahead on the walk into school, punishing 6 hours later has no reference for him.

You were right to tell him off for lying though

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2017 16:10

You were right to tell him off for lying though

She absolutely was not. She told him she would tell him off if he kept lying, so he was honest, and she’s punished him anyway. She lied to him.

BarbarianMum · 17/10/2017 16:14

As a former (childhood) inveterate liar I would strongly recommend you take the approach of calmly dismissing or gently challenging untruthes rather than punishing them at this age. Unless you'd like him to become a really good liar.

wheresthel1ght · 17/10/2017 16:14

No she said she wasn't going to tell him off for dragging the bag.

Pinky333777 · 17/10/2017 16:24

Sorry, I think ywbu to come up with an on the spot consequence for a 5yr old like that.
It's important to set rules and boundaries, but more important the child is aware of what they are and what consequences there'll be.

Personally I would have focused on the face he did tell the truth when pressed and praised him for it, emphasising how important it is to be honest like that.
Then discuss future consequences for lying if it should happen again x

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