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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been referred to Social Services - worst fear realised!

81 replies

MiddleAgedMinger · 17/10/2017 14:04

Have re-registered to get opinions.

DS's paediatrician told us she was doing a referral to SS today as I said that ideally I would like him to be in a residential school and only come home on weekends!

Background is that DS (15) has learning difficulties and associated neurological issues and has always displayed very challenging behaviour. When he was younger it was more hyperactivity and not following instructions/having no fear, now it's complete disrespect and meltdowns if he can't do want he wants. I have 3 other DC and I am worried about the effect on my youngest of him telling me to fuck off (etc) and slamming and banging around the house. He also constantly tries to upset the youngest by saying stupid things to him.

Last week I discovered that he had been 'trolling' by posting nasty messages threatening violence to complete strangers via You Tube and he had logged into an account his older brother has and sent a nasty message to his friend pretending to be his brother.

As a result we have had a weekend from hell as all internet use has been banned. I have put up with so much shit from him over the years and I really have had enough.

As a routine appointment this morning, I told his Paed all this (in tears) and she said the only way to get him into a residential school was by putting him into care which I don't want to do. I thought she may know of a way to do it via his EHCP due to his behaviour issues.

She said she would refer to SS as obviously we need support.

I suffer from anxiety anyway and have always judged myself as a shit parent. What have I done?

OP posts:
gingerh4ir · 17/10/2017 16:26

sounds like you have been referred to a disability social worker to get help with looking after your DS. This is different to a normal SS referral.

I have a child with complex needs and I. begging to get a disability social worker as this is my only route to respite but I am getting nowhere. Hopefully, this referral will result in more help for your family.

it sounds very hard Flowers

Partridgeamongstthepigeons · 17/10/2017 16:29

We are currently trying to get our DS who has severe low functioning autism into residential school. It has been refused on the basis that his current school are meeting his needs. Foster care funding was agreed by SS last June! Nothing has happened since despite meetings by the dozen. Sorry to hijack OP but we are desperate. My beautiful DS is violent, and has sexual aggressive behaviours too (he is 14). I am scared everyday for my safety. Have phoned SS 4 times in last two days and left messages for my SW.. heard nothing back. If anyone has any advice I will be so grateful.

fairyofallthings · 17/10/2017 16:36

OP you have done what you thought was right for your son. That's the kind of thing only a decent, loving and caring mother would do, just like you have done. Don't beat yourself up; you have been very brave and thoughtful to take such a difficult step.

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/10/2017 16:40

If a child spends more than a certain amount of days/nights at residential school they will technically be a Look After Child.
That would be under a sec 20 not through a court order obtained due to neglect/abuse.

I am sure that is what the doctor meant.

Having a child under a sec 20 because they attend boarding school is very different from having a child in care because they have been removed.
Flowers

JsOtherHalf · 17/10/2017 16:49

Partridgeamongstthepigeons

Do you have an idea of what school you want your DS to get into?

It mightn't be that the workers ( education, care , and sometimes even health) aren't doing anything, but that they can't find a school to accept him.

Do you have a solicitor you can involve?

Goldmandra · 17/10/2017 17:07

If a child spends more than a certain amount of days/nights at residential school they will technically be a Look After Child.

OP, this wouldn't apply if your DS came home for weekends and holidays.

My DD2 has a 38 week residential school placement with no social care involvement whatsoever. Nothing approaching a care order has ever been suggested.

You need to start by looking for schools that potentially could meet his needs, speaking to them on the phone and arranging to visit any that will allow you to. Some will only allow visits if there is a good prospect of the placement going ahead simply because of the disruption those visits can cause to existing pupils.

In the meantime, ask for a review of his EHC Plan to be arranged. You can then ask at the review for a specialist residential school to be named on his plan. If they refuse, you will have a right of appeal to the SEND tribunal.

Lots of school placements are funded partly by education and partly by health, social care or both. However, how they split the funding doesn't concern you. What you need is evidence that he needs a residential placement.

Go the IPSEA website and book phone advice session. They will help you work out how the get the evidence you need.

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/10/2017 17:14

Goldmandra there wouldn't be a care order in this case regardless.
It would be a voluntary agreement so no courts involved.

cestlavielife · 17/10/2017 17:18

You need the referral to get the care and support ..you should be referred to the children with disabilities team .
Without a social worker involved you wont get residential it it's nothing to do with criticising you ...it s about during and working out what s best for d's and your needs as a carer. You are entitled to carer assessment . Speak to local SEN group or similar parent... anyone with a child with significannt needs has or shpukd have a spcial worker at some point

cestlavielife · 17/10/2017 17:19

The care part of ehcp would involve social services. Usually. As they fund respite short breaks etc

cestlavielife · 17/10/2017 17:21

Partridge maybe ypur sw is away..call the duty social.worker and speak to a human . Tell.them.you want to speak to the manager today

Goldmandra · 17/10/2017 17:21

Goldmandra there wouldn't be a care order in this case regardless.
It would be a voluntary agreement so no courts involved.

I agree. Neither a section 20 nor a care order would apply.

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/10/2017 17:39

But the Consultant was most likely referring to a sect 20.
Which would apply if the OP requested full time school.

Goldmandra · 17/10/2017 17:42

The OP has requested a residential school placement with her DS coming home at weekends. A section 20 is not required for this.

Partridgeamongstthepigeons · 17/10/2017 17:59

Jsotherhalf thanks for the reply.

We have named a school and spoke about it in depth at his last echp annual review and every CHIN since then. But because the current spld school are ‘meeting his needs’ we are stuck so only route we can go down is foster care I think. Of course as I predicted after a year of in house and independent agency looking from SS nothing has happened.. they are now talking about him going into weekly residential care (although the local home has no places) and keeping him at his current school. He is very routine led and hates transitions and we firmly believe a waking curriculum will be in his best interests but we are getting nowhere and he is getting bigger and more difficult to handle. We are at our wits end. Have contacted local councillor but still nothing has changed.

Can you advise me a bit more about solicitors- what type of solicitors do I need. Am so exhausted by all of it- I work as a teacher too and life is relentless. I can’t cope much longer. Thank you for any help and sorry OP again for hijacking.

Partridgeamongstthepigeons · 17/10/2017 18:01

Celavielife will contact manager tomorrow, thanks.Smilecan’t cope for too much longer.

JsOtherHalf · 17/10/2017 19:14

Partridgeamongstthepigeons

www.ipsea.org.uk/
www.ipsea.org.uk/contact/advice-and-support/advice-line
The Advice Line provides legally based information and next step advice on any educational issue that is the result of your child’s special educational needs or disability. Our appointments last up to 30 minutes and our advisers will give you up-to-date information on the law, explain what it allows you to do and give you clear next-step advice.
All available appointments for the next week can be booked here. If you have any problems using the booking system, please click here.
Appointments are released by each volunteer, as and when they know of their availability. They can be released up to ten days in advance, any day or time. So please do check the booking pages regularly.

------

Coram Children's Legal Centre

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre is a National charity that specialises in law and policy affecting children and young people.

It offers advice on all areas of family, child and education law.

Coram also provides access to free factsheets, a virtual assistant for on-line support and free legal helpline.

The instant messaging facility is available from 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday.

The Legal Helpline: 08088 020 008 is open 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday. A voicemail facility is available outside these hours.

www.childrenslegalcentre.com

-----
Irwin Mitchell seem to get mentioned a lot regarding disabled children:
www.irwinmitchell.com/personal/protecting-your-rights/education-law

I know in the past legal aid was possible for children, regarding education, but I'm not sure if that is still possible. Might be worth checking out?

Partridgeamongstthepigeons · 17/10/2017 20:23

JSOtherhalf thank you so much!! My head is spinning trying to cope, you have given me clarity.

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/10/2017 20:36

FGS Goldmandra.
The op is anxious because the consultant mentioned referring her to SS.
The consultant is not an education specialist.
I was setting her mind at rest regarding the referral.
Its not a competition
Stop trying to show you that you know better than I. That isn't the point of this thread.

ChampagneCommunist · 17/10/2017 20:41

Look at at St Dominic’s school in Surrey. Sounds like the type of school you need

CrochetBelle · 17/10/2017 21:00

Good luck. I hope SS are more forthcoming in your case than they are in mine. I have had repeated referrals made by multiple agencies since the start of the year (CAMHS, school and my own psychiatrist), and have yet to hear back from them.

Ceto · 17/10/2017 21:21

Partridge, you need solicitors able to deal with both education and social care issues, who can also offer legal aid as you may be able to take action in your child's name. Simpson Millar and Irwin Mitchell are probably your best bet.

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 17/10/2017 21:24

Leigh Day are also worth looking at.

AreThereAnyUsersnamesLeft · 17/10/2017 21:26

Hope you do get something sorted that gives you a break. Nothing to add - though I'm impressed that you've managed to keep in touch with your friends - even if you can't invite them round - most ours lost the will by the time our son was 4. Hopefully also you might get some time to do something for you - not just for the kids.

YouNo · 21/03/2019 22:36

My experience is quite the contrary!
SS should never be trusted!

TheYoungOffendersMum · 21/03/2019 22:47

I had a wonderful social worker for my DD when she was smaller. I won't say the system was perfect but if it's a disability SW in particular that you're referred to, it helps a lot. Asking for/acceoting help from SS isn't a weakness, it's a strength. People don't always realise that because of the perceived job of SS. They're not here to take your kids away. You're going to be fine. I hope they get you the help you need for your son, the situation sounds terrible

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