Been referred to Social Services - worst fear realised!

[MiddleAgedMinger]

Have re-registered to get opinions.

DS's paediatrician told us she was doing a referral to SS today as I said that ideally I would like him to be in a residential school and only come home on weekends!

Background is that DS (15) has learning difficulties and associated neurological issues and has always displayed very challenging behaviour. When he was younger it was more hyperactivity and not following instructions/having no fear, now it's complete disrespect and meltdowns if he can't do want he wants. I have 3 other DC and I am worried about the effect on my youngest of him telling me to fuck off (etc) and slamming and banging around the house. He also constantly tries to upset the youngest by saying stupid things to him.

Last week I discovered that he had been 'trolling' by posting nasty messages threatening violence to complete strangers via You Tube and he had logged into an account his older brother has and sent a nasty message to his friend pretending to be his brother.

As a result we have had a weekend from hell as all internet use has been banned. I have put up with so much shit from him over the years and I really have had enough.

As a routine appointment this morning, I told his Paed all this (in tears) and she said the only way to get him into a residential school was by putting him into care which I don't want to do. I thought she may know of a way to do it via his EHCP due to his behaviour issues.

She said she would refer to SS as obviously we need support.

I suffer from anxiety anyway and have always judged myself as a shit parent. What have I done?

You are doing the right thing for your DS and for you and your family.

Are you able to tell us his dx? If for example, he had ASD, then a school such as Swalcliffe Park In Oxfordshire could be really good.
swalcliffepark-oxon.frogos.net/app/os#!/home-2

He'll probably be referred to the specialist side of SS - there's usually a part of it solely to do with Disabled Children, or sometimes it is something like the All Age Disability team.

After a single assessment, you may be offered additional help from social services to keep him at home.
If you want him at as residential school, then you may well have to be very clear with them that you have reached the end of your tether.
Residential schooling full time ( depending on need) costs up to £250 000 per year. Hence they might hope that a relatively small amount of funding from them will delay this.

Other kids at my son's special school are looked after by the localmauthority...some because the family has broken up or was in danger of doing so. Just because they are not at home doesn't mean the parents don't care and the ones I know are still very involved - and possibly have a better relationship with the kid once the daily stresses have been removed

I'm amazed you've coped alone as long as you have!

You are doing the right thing, you have other children to look out for as well. They are just as important.

If your DS had not had you, he may be struggling even worse than now.

He apparently didn't meet the 'criteria' for ASD Verbena although he has definite traits that even the SN Mental Health worker picked up on and was surprised he wasn't diagnosed with it. He is borderline for learning disability (iq of 70) although I'm not sure about that as he can be extremely intelligent if it is about something that interests him. He also has severe issues with comprehension and vocabulary (although he speaks perfectly but inappropriately) and working memory. This was all diagnosed via a Communications Disorder Assessment at age 11. He is very immature and it was stated that he is about 6 years behind. Paed suspects it is due to him being the much smaller twin that affected his brain development as his twin brother has none of these issues apart from being a PITA teen despite his mainstream school SENCO coming to the conclusion that he had attachment disorder! More anxiety [anger].

Thanks for looking up that school.

If you can afford it, I’d really suggest getting a private assessment.
If you want to look into it, pm me and I can give you the name and details for a very good private paediatrician who assessed and diagnosed my DS (now 12).

From the thighs you mention, it does seem as though he may have ASD, although that’s only my opinion obviously. The IQ thing is a bit tricky because children with processing difficulties may not score very highly due to not being able to quickly process the information rather than not understanding it.

Is his new school abiding to his EHCP? If not, it may be worth asking for a review of it or that they make better adjustments to follow it.

How is he with demands and anxiety?

I am "judging" you on your parenting .....

.... I give you 10/10.

You've behaved really sensibly. Good luck. I'm glad you've found support.

£250K a year Js! Gosh. Seeing that I would be happy with just some respite tbh. DS doesn't need help with hygiene (very set and thorough routines) or self care but having somewhere for him to go on weekends and some of the school holidays would make it easier. We don't have any family support. It is just me and DH who works very long hours and most weekends which are trigger times for DS. I can't leave him in the house while I go out with youngest and quite often it's not worth the meltdown to get him out of the house. I can't have youngest's friends over either as he may say something inappropriate.

Keep a detailed diary of his behaviours and threats. It's far more effective to have a list of episodes and exact words said than to simply say he's difficult.

I do really hope you all get the support you need and there should be n reason he has to go into care to receive the education he needs. I guess that's what happens though when the LA won't help you and you are reduced to having to say you cannot have him at home.

I would do your research and identify a suitable school if at all possible as these placements are extremely expensive and the LA may try to use the cheapest solution rather than the best for him. Having your paediatrician on board sounds good news.

DS goes to an autism residential school and his placement is funded entirely through his EHCP. We don't have a social worker or any contact with SS. So it definitely is possible to get funding that way, but our argument for getting his placement was based on his educational need (for the consistency of a residential autism placement). When the argument is based on the safety of the other children in the family - that's not an educational need of the child with SEN, so you couldn't use those grounds to argue for educational funding (but you could for SS funding). Although if he is just being threatening and not actually been violent yet, they may be dismissive of the severity of the situation. Residential schools are very expensive (DS's costs £140k a year) so the LA and SS will consider any cheaper options including regular respite while keeping him at his current school.

Other families have had joint funding through education and SS, and they've not had any problems with that. So if it turns out your placement can only be made through SS, just go with it - it's the end placement that matters. Sometimes it even means you get more funding/protection for your DC when they reach adulthood.

I would get advice from SEN organisations like Ipsea, Contact, and maybe SOS SEN. The poster above who said paeds often have no idea about the SEN system is correct - don't rely on them for advice in that area. Also try posting in the SN section. I would be questioning his diagnosis from what you've written - my DS has challenging behaviour and there was a lot of initial resistance towards him getting an autism diagnosis at first. It's really important that your DS ends up at the right kind of residential school for his needs - our LA wanted to send my DS to an EBD (emotional and behavioural difficulties) school at first, which would have been inappropriate for him and wouldn't have met his needs.

You have done the only thing you could have done and asked for help.
Social services are not the enemy, they are there to help you and explain the options.
You sound at the end of your tether. You’ve tried so hard and now it’s time to accept some help.

If SS get involved and they say he has to go into one, they can force it so it seems

Social services can't force you to agree for your son to go anywhere. They can accommodate your son in local authority care with your agreement, which could be in a residential school.
The only way your child can be put into care or residential school is if the local authority go to court for a care order and one is granted. That is (based on what you've said) so unlikely as to be impossible.

You’ve done well to manage him at home with other kids now it’s not fair in them or you to carry on like this. Hopefully ss will do something to assist you, I don’t judge you and we often are our own worst critics

Sorry the second paragraph should say the only way he can be put into care without your agreement is with a care order

I find it shocking that a pead is unaware that Besd settings both state and indie exist and can be named in a echp

SS won't force your son to go anywhere, him being at home is saving the state a fortune.......seriously wouldnt worry about that.

And no a child does not have to be looked after to get a placement at a residential special school!

The only way your child can be put into care or residential school is if the local authority go to court for a care order and one is granted. That is (based on what you've said) so unlikely as to be impossible

You can have a residential ss named on a echp exactly the same way the local school down the road gets named

Sorry I missed a bit out of that (corrected afterwards) I meant the only way he can be put into care or residential school without parental agreement is by care order

My ex-SIL is a respite/support worker. She takes children like your DS on day trips, special over night trips and has over nights at hers to give the parents some breathing space. She also helps young adults to live independently.

Although bound by the data protection act and unable (rightly so) to share specific details, she always spoke very highly of the parents in a general sense, often becoming a close friend to ones she worked with long term.

There will be no judgement. Social workers and the network around them understand how hard it can be.

needsasock - I think that poster was referring to whether SS could force a placement against parental wishes.

Paeds frequently display a high level of ignorance re EHCPs IME and it can lead to real disappointment and confusion for parents.

Sorry Ada I should have noticed your user name and realised you would mean something perfectly sensible.

I’m not quite on the ball today after one of my own kids echp meeting didn’t go as expected

well that's a very nice thing to say
Sorry your meeting didn't go well

I suspect the paed was confused. If a child goes into a full time residential facility, i.e. no weekend or holidays, then they are de facto in care, with the local authority a joint guardian with their parents. This is usually in the case of children with profound disabilities who cannot be accommodated at home. This is done regardless of any concerns about the parenting of the family. However that isn't what you want or need, so it's irrelevant.