To think "oh well she hasn't had children'" is an unfair comment.

[user1485342611]

I was having coffee with my mother and her friend, who were talking about the friend's former cleaning woman. My mother said she had bumped into her in Tesco and she was looking well for someone of 86 and is well able to get out and about.
Friend then said "oh well she hasn't had any children, she's never really known what worry is".

AIBU to think this was deeply unfair. This woman had to go out and clean houses to pay the bills, while Mum's friend has always been well off, lots of holidays etc. She has also suffered the loss of her husband and has presumably had lots of other worries and stresses in her life.

It's something I've heard my mum say about childless women as well, implying that their life has been much much easier than hers, simply on the basis that they don't have kids.

OP I do agree that loneliness and bereavement are particular kinds of stress that only the person in that situation can relate to. Similarly, nobody can relate to the stress of not being able to have children, unless they have experienced that. But by the same token, it is true that you can't relate to the particular stresses of having children unless you actually have them. As I say, it's not about what is more or less stressful, it's just different kinds of stress.

JonnaSilvie

Now imagine your working week, but add some young children in to the mix.

But by the same token, it is true that you can't relate to the particular stresses of having children unless you actually have them. As I say, it's not about what is more or less stressful, it's just different kinds of stress.

But posters on here are arguing that those that have DC have way more stress.

Including the strange notion that you are only ever sleep deprived if you have DC.

I don't wake up with every noise at all. I've had ten hours sleep a night since dd was about 14months, yes there's been random nights when she's been ill and I haven't but generally.

I don't worry about her much in other ways either. She's 16yo now and still alive.

Oh and I work as well, have done a degree and a masters after dd was born. I find work and study far more stressful than parenthood.

I agree Crescendi. Different lives have different stresses and it is very unfair of parents to go around stating that only those with children know what real worry is.

Wishing Imagine going to a family celebration and being the only one without children.
Imagine every single time you go for a walk in the park looking at families with small children and feeling an empty ache.
Imagine year by year by year going by and eventually having to accept that the one thing you want in life you will never have.
Imagine feeling a deep pain everytime you hear a friend, cousin or colleague is pregnant.
Imagine having to constantly smile and hide that pain.
Imagine being told how worry free your life must be because of the above.

Seriously, try to imagine a life and a set of worries different from your own.

Its a stupid thing to say.
Single people, childless people, rich people, anyone...can experience terrible stress.
I would say a single, childless person fleeing from ISIS and being trafficked is going to experience more stress than your average sahp living in Gloucestershire.
That might not be the case if you compare like with like i.e. a fleeing, trafficked person who also had to keep their kids safe.
But that isnt what we are talking about here.

I have five DCs and experienced unbearable stress at times. I happen to look younger than my age (for now) so I don't think how someone looks is a reliable indicator of how difficult their life might be.

I thought it was true childless women often look younger just because of the physical changes of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Skin and hair changes are v v common in pregnancy and many women find they are permanent changes. Breastfeeding hormones again can wreck havoc on the skin - hormonal acne due to breastfeeding is a thing.

Also the changes to body shape often make women look older, as much as we don't consciously register them a lot of the time.

Babies aren't delivered by stork. Regardless of how stressful or not children are compared to other things in life, it's pretty likely you will be left physically altered by having children. This may well directly impact how old you look.

When I was extremely ill and so tired that going to the toilet was an effort (didn't have kids), my DB told me that I didn't know what tiredness was, because I hadn't yet had kids.

Am not totally sure if that's true re: sleep. Many chronic health problems go hand in hand with insomnia and given there a a huge number of people are without kids due to health problems (not to mention associated anxiety and depression) there's a lot of sleep deprivation out there. Obviously parents can also have health problems + insomnia + kids so it's not an either/or situation but it's just nice to be mindful that all childfree people aren't getting 10 hours sleep a night after they've finished with their fabulous social lives and amazing careers ;)

I have read that the most common cause of severe long term insomnia, is chronic pain.

Its true. Kids make you vulnerable as their cares are yours too. You absorb their highs and lows. Life is far easier without kids. Absolutely. Even with tribulations....easier to deal with when its just you to worry about.

Life is far easier without kids.

Yet again you have no idea what is happening in other people's lives.

I really don't understand how some can't see outside of their own little bubble.

I think what people might mean when they say having children is potentially the most stressful thing is that whatever horrors you can imagine could happen to you, it would be even more horrific if you knew your child was in that situation. So if I was being abused, afflicted with illness or loss that would be horrendous and maybe I wouldn't cope, but still, I would rather it was myself in that situation rather than my child - every time. You want to protect your DC from negative experiences more than you want to protect yourself, so the potential for anxiety widens! But of course, you share in the highs with them as well (hopefully more so). So it's a different kind of stress than childlessness and maybe requires a different kind of resilience? Some DC are more stressful than others obviously and some people will be able come to terms with childlessness more readily too.

We all have our worries and children aren't the only cause for sleepless nights fretting. I've heard, "Well she's never given birth so she doesn't know what pain is." There are loads of painful conditions for a person to suffer from too
.

phoenix referring to some of the difficulties people are discussing on this thread as tribulations is insulting and ridiculous.

Thank you so much, Danceswithwarthogs.

Wishing, as user said, imagine a family party. Surrounded by cousins, siblings with their beautiful children. The constant 'well, any plans?', or 'wouldn't

phoenix being a parent certainly hasn't given you any extra empathy or understanding of the myriad difficulties people can experience in life. You sound like the exact type of person who makes childlessness even more difficult for people to cope with than it already is.

I really hope you don't go around saying things like that in front of people without children, or people whose circumstances you aren't fully au fait with. Because believe me, the pain you have caused if you have done so, is something you will never, ever have experienced.

I'm not a fan of the "who has it hardest game" anyway. Everyone has difficulties, some people have had easier lives than me,some harder. All our pain matters.

True Brasty. However, while posters without children seem to have no difficulty imagining the worries that come with parenthood; some posters with children seem to have no empathy or understanding of the worry and stress that can come with reluctant childlessness; or just how many of life's tragedies, upsets and anxieties emanate from sources and relationships other than those associated with parenthood.

I've got kids but they are not the most stressful thing I've ever been through (yet!)

Cancer was more stressful
Abusive relationship was more stressful
Exams are more stressful
Dealing with PITA clients is more stressful

I'm not a fan of the "who has it hardest game" anyway. Everyone has difficulties, some people have had easier lives than me,some harder. All our pain matters.

This.

I am in the middle of a total shitstorm which is affecting my physical and mental health plus my family's financial security but there's a woman on here who's daughter is about to go to prison FGS.

I wouldn't make any generalisations about having kids/not having kids other than that is no one else's sodding business!