Guilt about choosing the mixed sex school over girls school

[chiocesarenevereasygirlsworld]

My dd has been at her good co Ed school now for 8 weeks. Yr 7. She is enjoying it a lot and on choosing I felt it was right for her and I want her to have friendships with both sexes. She has two brothers so is quite use to boys and there friends.

There is a girls school near us though and among my friends and mums at the school gates it's the school of choice for their daughters. It's outstanding in all areas and it's very academic. All I ever hear is how wonderful it is and even it's even been said how boys are beasts that sexually harass girls at mixed sex schools. Ok this may happen in a small minority's but I find this very insulting as my two boys have been brought up to be respectful and I don't agree with this mindset at all.

There is a nagging doubt in my head the dd could do better academically in the girls school as it's so strong in that dept but my heart tells me she wouldn't be happy socially.

I'm fed up of hearing it but I guess it's all new at the moment and school is all my friends and peers seem to talk about.

I need a break!!

ime, a kid doing well at school is about having a good social life.
OP has said her DD wouldn't be happy socially at the single sex school.
So the co-ed school IS the better school for her academically.

So mixed schooling up until the age of 11. Generally mixed sixth forms from age 16. So just 5 years of schooldays in a single sex environment. Unless she comes home and lives in a cupboard until 8 o'clock the following morning there is no way that her 'life skills' will be limited with no male company. Brothers, brothers' friends, after school clubs, weekends, holidays, so only a small proportion of those years will be spent with girls. And most girls' schools have some male teachers anyway. I went to a girls' school and two of my dds did and loved it.

That wasn't aimed at the op btw.

You’re probably going to have to suck up listening to the others going on about how great the other school is, I’m afraid. These others children have definitely got one disadvantage in life:- having stupid parents. Referring to boys being beasts fgs!

To me it’s a basic unwritten rule as an adult to not in any way knowingly dis another parents school choice - and that includes going on about how the ones dc attend is the best.

I’ve had to listen to plenty of people doing this, you just have to ignore it, probably. What matters is your dd’s overall happiness.

Well, the parents with girls at the other school would praise it to the skies, wouldn't they? It's called confirmation bias. Your DD is happy where she is and is enjoying school. You sound like a very supportive and engaged parent and that is the main thing - so your DD will do well academically.

Have faith in your choices and in your DD.

As for the things these other parents say about boys - words fail. What a disgusting sweeping generalisation (and I have 2 DDs, no boys).

I went to a girls school and am a teacher in a mixed school. I've always taught in mixed schools (10+ years now). These two experiences have made me sure that I want my daughters to go to single sex schools. In my experience boys take up the teachers time and focus and girls are sidelined both academically and socially because of it. I have also witnessed a lot of sexual harassment and sexual language used toward female pupils by male pupils.

Being at a girls school allowed me room without boys to become confident and to focus on my studies. We were taught with strong female role models as our teachers and senior leaders (headmistress was utterly unshakable in her feminist convictions and that was passed on to us). I'm so grateful to have had that education experience.

And fwiw I then went on to meet and be friends with men at uni- two of my most enduring friendships are with men I met then in my later teens. And I had no problems dating and stuff later in life and I'm not scared of men now in my 30s!

Consider also that they may have nagging doubts in their minds about whether or not they have done the right thing... By continually bigging up the school they have chosen and hearing this echoed back to they, they will effectively be giving themselves and others that have made the same decision a constant pat on the back for making the 'right choice' and it will make them feel happy and secure and mask out those nagging doubts that they have...

It's sad that they are having to put down you or your choices in order to make themselves feel better - just because different people make different choices doesn't make the choice any better or more right than any other choice.

If they keep on and on about it, I'd treat them a bit like toddlers when they next raise it - 'oh you are funny - you go on and on about this so much anybody would think that you're worried you've made the wrong choice!' and 'blimey is there a time warp around the school as well? where on earth does that (boys harrassing girls) happen? Certainly doesn't happen at [dd's] school. Om fact I love it precisely because the girls and boys get on well with each other and learn how to get on well with each other rather than demonising one or other group. Don't you ever worry that you're failing not equipping your dds with this vital life skill?!?'

What is basically happening here is that you have some insecure friends who need to validate their own choices by knocking yours. They'd be doing exactly the same thing if you have chosen the girls' school and their offspring had gone to the co-ed. The friends who did this when dd was in primary were still trying to tell me what university she should go to when she left school. By which time the decision was nothing to do with me anyway.

Life is mixed not single sex. I'm still minded of arriving at an (RG) Uni in the early 80s & being able to pick out those girls who had been to single sex schools at a glance. They were almost without exception academic, skittish, highly strung & very very highly sexed because they were suddenly unleashed.

I went to an all girls school, then did at a course at college that was all girls and in a separate annex away from main site so never mixed with opposite sex until aged 18( no brothers) I was incredibly shy around males and was adamant that my daughter would go to a mixed sex school. Now most of her mates are male and she is nowhere near as awkward as I was because of segregation.

At uni, in my first year in halls, I was in a room next to a girl who went to an all girls RC grammar school. I spent many a night listening to her having sex with a wide variety of boys.

Making up for lost time.

Don't know if that is a positive or negative story.

They were almost without exception academic, skittish, highly strung & very very highly sexed because they were suddenly unleashed

And I am sure you'll appreciate that anecdote from one university isn't evidence.

I find the assertation you can't mix with members of the opposite sex because you go to a single sex school baffling.

Myths and truths on both sides

• Girl's schools are bitchy. Not in mine and DD's experience
• Girls from girls school become boy mad. Not in my experience having come from a girl's school.
• Girls from girl's schools can't cope with men in the workplace. I did just fine in a mainly male environment
• Girls do better / more science in girl's school. This may be true. DH went to a mixed and not one girl did O Level Physics. Loads of us at my girls school.
• Girls at girls schools can't be friends with boys. Again true in my experience. All my friends are female but the same applies to my friends that went to mixed schools. The women I'm friendly with just prefer female company on the whole.

I went to single sex school and I had trouble relating to men well into my 20s. I didn´t have good male role models at home and I was shy. Looking back, I would have been better off in a mixed school, although I might not have done so well academically. On the other hand, I have many school friends who had no problems with relating to men. I think there is no definitive answer to the question of which school is best - it depends entirely on the personality and background of each child.

Both myself and dh weren’t to single sex grammar schools and I think we missed out massively on healthy social interaction with the opposite sex.

All our dss and dds went to mixed high schools and have masses of mates of both sexes.

Much healthier and more balanced in my opinion.

Some people have wierd ideas about their girls.

OP this could be me in a few years time.

Dd could maybe get into an Outstanding girls school, it's known countrywide for its general amazing ness! They get great results and surprisingly it's progress 8 is incredibly positive. It's supposedly a comp but in reality is selective by income. Their alumni go onto greatness.

She and I want her to go the local mixed sex RI school, although let's hope it gets to Good soon. She is shocked that a school that only teaches girls is legal. She likes to hang out with boys and girls.

I also want her to go coed but I feel like I'd be tying one hand behind her back academically if I do.

So I understand where you're coming from. I still have the choice to make but I think I'd make the same one as you.

and have masses of mates of both sexes

As did I out of school. it doesn't have to be that you're in a single sex school and never speak to anyone of the other sex!

Maybe it’s easier now with the internet and social chat sites but in my day pre Internet you didn’t have those relationships with people outside of your school or local area jaques

My dds abs dss have friends who went single sex and they are generally more stilted around the opposite sex with the girls putting the boys on pedestals to an extent.

To rye teacher who witnessed numerous sexual harassment of the girls what on earth was going on with the School senior management team?? That would not be tolerated st any good School and certainly wasn’t at my dcs mixed comp.

The comments from the parents about boys being beasts should confirm your decision op because who would want their dd to mix in such ignorant circles.

but in my day pre Internet you didn’t have those relationships with people outside of your school or local area jaques

I was single-sex from 1989 to 1998.

We did clubs/out of school activities/had friends who were neighbours/made friends from the nearest other schools

Went to an all girls school, whilst academically it was ace, I was woefully unprepared for real life boys and men.

My father, brothers and male friends were in no way a substitute for lack of day to day interaction. I imagine I expected others to behave as they had, and I learned about the bad examples the hard way.

I have chosen to send my children to mixed schools.

JaquesHammer I never actually had the opportunity to meet boys as there were none at school or college. So my friendship group was all female. I did not feel at ease around males when I eventually mixed with them socially at 18, ( it probably did not help having had a Roman Catholic education) I was certainly far from being highly sexed to make up for lost time, quite the opposite in fact- totally shy and awkward and coming accross as aloof because if this.

To rye teacher who witnessed numerous sexual harassment of the girls what on earth was going on with the School senior management team?? That would not be tolerated st any good School and certainly wasn’t at my dcs mixed comp.

Many otherwise good schools do seem to tolerate sexual harassment:

www.parliament.uk/business/committees/committees-a-z/commons-select/women-and-equalities-committee/news-parliament-2015/sexual-harassment-and-violence-in-schools-report-published-16-17/

OP you sound confident in your decision and your child is thriving. It really does depend on the child and the school IMO. I have DC in mixed and single sex schools.

I went to a single sex grammar. It was great for me academically, fairly terrible socially. I had very low confidence with boys for a long time afterwards.

I agree with what someone said upthread. Life isnt single sex. I'd hazard you've done the right thing.

I never actually had the opportunity to meet boys as there were none at school or college. So my friendship group was all female

My parents felt it important that we developed out of school relationships too so ensured we did so.

I fully intend to do the same with DD if she gets a place at the girls' grammar.

Swings and roundabouts. I went mixed chose single sex for my dds as a result