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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another parent shouted at me at school gates

105 replies

Itsanothernamechange · 14/10/2017 09:34

Aibu to be bloody annoyed about this.
Back story
Around 3 weeks ago my partner was driving myself and ds to the school to drop him at breakfast club. We were driving down the road parallel to the school. The road is in a 20mph zone and we weren't speeding. A boy who I'd say was a year 3 maybe 4 ran straight out into the road in front of the car so close that we had to hit the breaks. No adult to be seen. As I say we weren't speeding but if it was 2 seconds later he'd have been hit no two ways about it.
Mentioned it to breakfast club as the child was there. Purely because I teach in a school (different school) and this would be something they'd want to know about.

Fast forward to yesterday
Picked my child up from after school club and was walking out of the school when parent of said child stops me and asks "if I was the one who was so concerned about his child's safety." Now I must have looked confused as he said I had told the school that his child was nearly hit by us in a car. At that point I actually naively thought he was going to thank me or something..... oh no silly me

I said yes I did mention it as I thought he was on his own.

He then completely lost it at me saying he was in a car up the street and his son hadn't ran out into the road and it didn't happen the way it was said and it's lies. I reiterated calmly what happened but he just shouted me down. The man was very threatening in his manner he didn't swear but he was intimidating. I'm clearly to look at me, very pregnant and had my 5yo with me and this man was big built and angry.

I'm now really uncomfortable going to school to do pick ups as he does it at the same time and I don't want any more dealings with him. Do you think the head would be able to do something??

Thanks

OP posts:
Fionnbharr · 14/10/2017 11:25

You should definitely inform the school in writing so the incident is on record. Were there any witnesses?

Shouting at someone is an act of violence. So this is yet another example of an act of violence against women. Do you think he would have behaved in a similar way if you had been a man? He should be called out on his behaviour. If he is not, like all bullies, he is likely to continue in the same vein.

diddl · 14/10/2017 11:31

He does sound abusive-and a twat.

What point was he trying to make?

He was in his car up the road-not with his child, so how does he know what happened-and why wasn't he with his child?

Was he trying to say that his child didn't run into the road?

Run/fall if a car is too close to stop...

Myheartbelongsto · 14/10/2017 11:34

I'd just move on and not give him another thought.

What can school do.

heateallthebuns · 14/10/2017 11:36

He probably feels guilty so he's taking it out on you. Totally unacceptable. I'd be worried about his parenting skills in general as those two occasions both sound bad - letting child run out and then shouting at a pregnant woman in front of children. I'd speak to the school about that, you shouldn't feel intimidated.

CoffeenoTea · 14/10/2017 11:42

Its no use now but if he does it again just walk away. I would go straight to the school office and let them know that iys was not on to tell him who told the school.

Bitch me would ask him if hes shouting because us parenting was not up to scratch, instead of watching his kid to school he was prop on his phone. Also id add in there if he seen his kid nearly get run over how did he not get out of the car and go see if he was ok

TheKidsAreTakingMySanity · 14/10/2017 11:49

If a car hits a pedestrian, especially a child outside the school gate, then the driver is always the one at fault. Deflecting onto lack of road safety skills of an 8 year old or deficient supervision is not an excuse.

Bollocks. If MY child runs into a road, ANY road into a the path of a travelling vehicle without even looking up then my child will be at fault. Even my 5 year old knows better than that.

FeeLock28 · 14/10/2017 11:50

Advise the school. Advise the police that there is a parent who thinks nothing of berating a heavily pregnant woman in a verbally aggressive and threatening manner with no provocation whatsoever. They're unlikely to be able to do anything but it can be logged. There may be other statutory bodies involved.

Mittens1969 · 14/10/2017 11:52

@howabout, the OP’s DP didn’t hit the boy! But how can you say the driver is always to blame? If the driver was driving safely, sticking to the speed limit, and a child/adult just runs out into the road right in front of the car then what is the driver to do? Even with an emergency stop at 20 miles an hour it’s not completely instant, that’s why you learn breaking distances in the Highway Code. 20 mile an hour speed limits are there so that drivers have more chance to avoid hitting a child.

It’s the reason why sometimes the police prosecute and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes there are genuine accidents. Thankfully it’s never happened to me or anyone I know, it would be the worst nightmare for careful drivers.

Parents are responsible for young children, though you would expect 8 year olds to have more road awareness than younger children.

BalloonSlayer · 14/10/2017 11:53

Agree mention to the school.

They should have said to him "someone saw that your DC was unsupervised and ran out in front of a car, not sure whose" but it looks as if they said "Mrs X said your DC was unsupervised and she nearly ran him over."

In revealing your name they have put you at risk of a confrontation with a shouty aggressive parent. And lo and behold this has happened.

They may have only said "someone reported that they had nearly run your DC over" but that still means that if he saw what car it was he could work out who had reported it. It needed to have been mentioned as if reported by an anonymous third party witness.

Whoever spoke to him needs a lesson in how to approach these things. So definitely mention to the school.

NotEnglish · 14/10/2017 11:53

When I walked my son to school a few weeks ago I witnessed one of his classmates crossing a street on his bike without breaking or looking or whatever. He was on his own. Luckily no car came along.
Since I know his mother I gave her a quick phonecall after dropoff and told her about it. She was very thankfull and since then, her son is banned on going by bike alone.
So yeah, you have been absolutely right to report it and name the child - how should the kid be kept safe if you don't name which child it was?!

RedSkyAtNight · 14/10/2017 11:55

Playing devil's advocate here, but it sounds like the dad dropped his son off near school expecting him to cross the road and make his own way to breakfast club (perfectly reasonable and standard from where I'm sitting).

From OP's perspective, she was driving sensibly and the child ran out in front of her.

From dad's perspective, OP was not driving sensibly, not looking where she was going and nearly ran over his child.

I think I would be pretty annoyed if I was dad, especially if OP had then tried to put the blame on his child.

As none of us were there, unfortunately none of us can say what actually happened.

cakedup · 14/10/2017 12:01

From dad's perspective, OP was not driving sensibly, not looking where she was going and nearly ran over his child. Whether or not a car is driving sensibly, accidents happen. As mentioned before, I recently received a police report whereby a car was going 15 mph and driving sensibly, a small child ran out between parked cars and was killed. So from dad's perspective, he should be instructing child to never cross the road when a car is approaching. Better still, he should be crossing with the child and practicing safe crossing!

Mittens1969 · 14/10/2017 12:23

It actually wasn’t the OP who was driving, it was her DP. We weren’t there, but I can well imagine the boy running across the road without looking. My DDs have done that when they have seen a friend on the other side or a ball has rolled into the road. I told my DDs off, I didn’t shout at the driver.

Thankfully they appear to have grown out of that and have road sense (though you can never become complacent).

Sprinklestar · 14/10/2017 12:48

Report him to the police and contact the school.
I'd want an apology and him banned from school premises. How dare he behave like that in front of your child? Some people are just feral. Disgusting excuse for a man!

StaplesCorner · 14/10/2017 12:52

I think the Head will take it very seriously and may suggest that the local PCSO becomes involved.

EmNetta · 14/10/2017 13:42

It seems to me that telling the school caused the unpleasant encounter with this man, and involving them further would increase any unpleasantness from him; better forget about it rather than judge his manners as well as his road safety skills. I'd just ignore/avoid him in future, and yes, tell police if you're afraid physically.

JonSnowsWife · 14/10/2017 13:49

@howabout yes that's what's bothered me a little too which is why I asked how close to the school this parrallel road was.

At our school, it is just second nature to drive more slower around school areas because of the risk of a child running across the road before the parents have had chance to notice they've hopped it out the car for example.

JonSnowsWife · 14/10/2017 13:54

Bollocks. If MY child runs into a road, ANY road into a the path of a travelling vehicle without even looking up then my child will be at fault. Even my 5 year old knows better than that.

That's your child though. My child has ASD and no sense of danger whatsoever. As a result I have to cling on to my son for dear life whenever near roads and crossings etc. To be fair though. He's never been ran over or nearly ran over.

Pretty sure there's a part in the hazard perception test about a child running out into the road so @howabout does have a point. But of course it's the dads responsibility to make sure the kid gets to school safely and of course he shouldn't be shouting at random parents.

I've only ever known one lazy arse to literally drop their DC off and let them run inside. Usually on the zigzag lines too because the knob thinks the rules doesn't apply to them.

Shockers · 14/10/2017 13:57

As I'm assuming that you didn't mention the child's name, there must've been another witness who filled the school in with the details.

This man has intimidated you in front of a 5 year old. The school needs to be aware. He must be told that this is not acceptable. We have banned a parent from the playground for behaviour such as this; he had to collect from the front door after shouting aggressively at another parent in front of both of their 5 year olds.

JonSnowsWife · 14/10/2017 14:00

@RedSkyAtNight the OP wasn't driving. The OPs DP was. Who then told the OP. Who then told the school.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 14/10/2017 14:21

For those posters asking "what do you expect school to do?" - do you really need to ask that question?

Whenever an adult or child exhibits behaviour that is not within the realms of acceptable it must be reported to school, this is because it could be part of a bigger picture. For instance, this parent was aggressive when actually he should have been apologising - how do we know that he hasn't already been observed as being aggressive towards his child? How do we know that the child hasn't expressed a fear about aggression at home which has been passed off as unfounded? Seriously, if the parent has nothing to hide then it won't matter, school won't do anything except be mindful of what he's done. If it is part of a bigger picture then it could make the difference between a child being left in a miserable situation and someone intervening. If something is going on then all reports are useful because they work together.

Before the high and mighty jump on me to say that not all parental outbursts indicate abuse, I know that. But this incident was potentially frightening, if he spoke to another adult like that in public then what is he like behind closed doors? Too many cases of abuse go unnoticed and unactioned because small incidents are not reported at the time. Maybe nothing else has been said, maybe there isn't anything.

So many posters on here asking the OP what she expects school to do as if she's some sort of entitled princess - no, I think the OP is more concerned about his actions that having the school tell him off.

JonSnowsWife · 14/10/2017 14:40

For instance, this parent was aggressive when actually he should have been apologising

But we don't know that do we? We only have the OPs & DPs version of events. 'Angry' Dad happens to have a different version of events.

As we weren't there we cant objectively judge and it should he reported to the school that he approached the OP and got defensive/aggressive and left at that.

If he then approaches the OP again then it can be taken further.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/10/2017 14:52

The school is not there to fight anyone’s corner in arguments between parents.

That’s not what dds school told me. I had an issue with another mother being nasty. They said if another conversation took place on School property, I could come and talk to them.

AccidentalyRunToWindsor · 14/10/2017 15:42

Ugh, what a big man- making himself feel tough because he doesn't like to be called out on his errors.

StaplesCorner · 14/10/2017 19:06

Mummy I am a chair of governors for a federation of primary schools - yes, schools can and do act if people are abusive either on the premises or around about the school.

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