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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be friends with my DC

59 replies

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 18:15

I watched a YouTube video by Dawn French (who I really like) about turning 60 and what she has learned. One of the things she said was she doesn't want to be friends with her kids. She wants to be their parent. I kind of see myself as both so not sure that I got her point?

OP posts:

Angelicinnocent · 13/10/2017 18:17

I love my DC and have a great relationship with them but I am their parent not their friend. Our DC need us to be parents and they need friends, they don't get both from the same person.

ProperLavs · 13/10/2017 18:17

No, you are their parent. You can be nice and lovely and loving and available, but you are not their friend.

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 18:27

So where is the dividing line?

OP posts:

Mamabear4180 · 13/10/2017 18:30

A parent is a different level entirely to a friend. For a start we love our kids unconditionally whereas we can fall out with friends!

Basically she means there's a line in the relationship between having fun with your kids and being their best pal. A friend doesn't have the authority to tell another friend what to do with their life, a parent does.

The respect is different too. I might say to my teen 'I'm not your friend at school, please mind how you talk to me' to mean, while I enjoy a bit of banter, I need to be treated with respect as I'm her mum.

I'm 'friends' with my kids when we're having fun together but not always. Sometimes I tell them off, put sanctions in place or refuse them a freedom. Not because I don't care about them but because I do. I'm way up a level than just a friend!

KERALA1 · 13/10/2017 18:35

The only people who claim to be "friends" with their dc have the most appallingly behaved rude kids. Ime anyway.

ZeppelinBend · 13/10/2017 18:35

Depends on the age. From my own relationship with my parents, as an adult you can be friends to a certain extent I think while still having that respect you do for a parent. As a younger child I don't believe so.

emsmum79 · 13/10/2017 18:38

It depends on your definition of 'friends'. I remember my mum and dad telling me when I was a teenager that they were the best friends I'd ever have. I didn't understand it at the time, but they were right - we can rely on each other, we trust each other, enjoy each other's company, love each other....
We are not 'friends' in the sense that we share all our secrets, and get drunk together (I don't think I have any friends like that!) We are not 'equals' - my parents are my senior and deserve a respect that is appropriate to that level.
I hope I have a relationship with my daughter that includes the same sort of friendship that I have with my parents.

LuchiMangsho · 13/10/2017 18:41

I am not their friend. And my parents are not my friends. We maintain certain boundaries as a result of that. (I don't discuss my private life with my parents beyond a point- so wouldn't have discussed TTC with them but would with close friends). With my own DC I am there to parent- to show them boundaries, to teach them to navigate the world, to encourage, stimulate, motivate and love. I don't have friends who play that role in my life to be honest.

BubblesPip · 13/10/2017 18:41

My parents are my best friends. They are the only people in the world I can trust completely. I enjoy their company, more so than most friends I do have. So I hope I can be a friend to my child.

DameFanny · 13/10/2017 18:42

My job as a parent is not to teach my kid to love me, but to teach him to be lovable to other people. That's the difference to me.

Mamabear4180 · 13/10/2017 18:43

We are not 'equals'

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It's not about being pally, it's about the differences in the relationship.

Katedotness1963 · 13/10/2017 18:43

I love spending time with my teenagers, nothing better than going out for a family dinner and chatting away, but I'm not their friend. Their friends are 35 years younger than me.

Seren85 · 13/10/2017 18:44

My Mum was always insistent that she was a parent not a friend, even though we werr very close and i always talked to her about my life. As an adult I can and do go for drinks with her, to the theatre, even talk to her about sex and relationships etc so have a friendly relationship in that sense but she is ultimately still a parent and that is a different level of respect and she still sees her role as partly to look out for/after me in a way a friend wouldn't.

Seren85 · 13/10/2017 18:46

PP who said we aren't equals is bang on. For example my husband and I will go on a caravan holiday with my parents and all go to the pub together but there's no debate over who gets the double bed and who gets the two singles even when everyone pays for themselves. With friends you'd toss a coin or whatever.

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 19:09

I totally get the "we are not equals" thing! That's a really good definition

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 13/10/2017 19:11

My kids will ( hopefully) have lots of friends during their lives but they will only have 1 mum.
I am not their friend and have no wish to be

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 19:11

It's intrigued me though - who are these parents who are "equal" - does that really happen?

OP posts:

smileygrapefruit · 13/10/2017 19:15

This makes me sad. Can't we be both? I have clients who are also friends and it depends on the situation as to whether we act as friends or client/professional.

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 19:21

smileygrapefruit this is why I asked the question. I consider DC to be one of my best friends but that doesn't mean I want to go clubbing with him. I respect his space and his "mates" just as he respects my house, my rules. That's why I didn't really get the original comment.

OP posts:

emsmum79 · 13/10/2017 19:24

@Seren85 - same in our family! I always thought there'd be a point when my husband and I would be 'proper' grown ups, but it'll never happen when it comes to choosing bedrooms on holiday!

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/10/2017 19:29

I agree that being friends with your DC is probably not actually going to help them in the long run. Parenting is a much harder, and more necessary role.

Assuming we are lucky enough to live long enough - there will be time to be friends with them, when they're raised and parenting themselves. 🤞 Until then, no, that's not my role.

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 19:29

Is it a generation thing? My mother and I kind of get on, but I wouldn't "choose her to be my friend" if we suddenly met. We have nothing on common other than the fact she's my mum. She definitely has the upper hand, even when I think she's out of her mind wrong, I just button it!

OP posts:

FeistyColl · 13/10/2017 19:33

I think it's a rather meaningless statement. By definition you can't really be both because the word 'friend' describes a relationship with a person that is not related / family. However, you can have the same sort of quality in the relationship with DC / parents that you do with friends i.e. choosing to spend time, sharing hobbies, going on holiday, sharing and confiding etc. Just depends on the people involved. I don't have identical relationships with each of my friends.

Actually, I think it's a phrase often used to justify parenting decisions.

Scholes34 · 13/10/2017 19:36

I love hanging out with my (uni age) DC and their friends, but I know when it's time to leave the party.

Redglitter · 13/10/2017 19:37

I always think its totally odd when people post things like Me & my best friend or out with my best friend and they're posting a photo of them with their 6 year old child. Your best friend?? Really??

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