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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be friends with my DC

59 replies

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 18:15

I watched a YouTube video by Dawn French (who I really like) about turning 60 and what she has learned. One of the things she said was she doesn't want to be friends with her kids. She wants to be their parent. I kind of see myself as both so not sure that I got her point?

OP posts:

GreenRut · 13/10/2017 19:41

I think it's an age thing. Growing up my mum was my mum, but now I'm nearly 40 and she can't tell me what to do (though she tries....) she is my friend. My best friend, in fact.

I have small dcs and i want them to feel like they can talk to me etc but I'm not interested in being their friend. I'm their mother. When they're adults I hope they'll think of me as a friend too.

Original poster

Tainbri · 13/10/2017 20:04

I find this so interesting as I sincerely don't think older generations related to their kids the same way we do today.

OP posts:

Thirtyrock39 · 13/10/2017 20:07

At work we did some Training about how important being a parent and not a friend is in terms of boundaries and children's emotional health.

Wilburissomepig · 13/10/2017 20:13

I'm their mum, not their buddy, it's a totally different relationship and that's how it should be IMO.

They have best friends already. I think they're happy to have me as mum.

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 20:23

OP, my mum is definitely supportive and friendly, but it's part of boundaries.

Growing up I definitely knew a few girls who's mums were determined to be more like big sisters/friends, one particularly awkward instance sticks out where a mum included herself in our sleepover .

I think a lot of the time it has to do with wanting to appear the cool relaxed young at heart parent, but then issues arise when you as a parent need to actually assert some control.

WhatwouldAryado · 13/10/2017 21:09

You can't have a strong set of parent boundaries with children if you're Trying to be a friend. But I imagine a healthy parent/ adult child relationship could evolve into friendship. As the dynamic could become more equal.

asdad · 13/10/2017 23:49

I felt I needed to change my relationship with my two SN kids from parent to friend as they came of age. I can now continue to guide them as they had no need to rebel against me.

Waytootiredtosleep · 13/10/2017 23:58

My mum used to tell me (still does!) that I'm her 'best friend'. She told me things no parent should tell their child. She relied on me, confided in me, treated me like a wise-pal. I needed a mother, someone to guide me. I didn't need or want another friend. I had plenty of friends growing growing up. I ended up mothering my mum. Yes, be friendly with your child but remember YOU r the parent. They need you to support them (not vice Versa), they need you to b there for them, they need you to put in appropriate rules and boundaries, they need you to guide. They need you to be the parent and to allow them to be the child

EastMidsMummy · 14/10/2017 00:02

Of course you're not friends.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 14/10/2017 00:03

Friends don't have to set boundaries the way that parents do, friends may be more concerned with "staying friends" than doing the right thing. The support in friendship is usually two way, whereas in a parent-child relationship, the parent shouldn't rely on or need support from the child.

LemonadeWithACherry · 14/10/2017 12:19

When I was 14/15 my parents divorced and my mom left to live with her married boss. She started to treat me like a friend rather than a parent. She bought me cigarettes and alcohol, let me sit in her car smoking outside school, let me bunk off, helped me mislead my dad so I could stay out with much older boyfriends, confided in me about her problems with her boyfriend (sometimes crying drunkenly), started talking about watching porn films and other inappropriate stuff.

I was quite disturbed, abused solvents and had abusive relationships with older men. I had a baby at 17. I really could have done with a mother rather than a friend during those difficult years (ddad was useless for whole other reasons).

user1491678180 · 14/10/2017 12:29

People who say it's weird to be friends with your children, are ime, usually jealous of people who have the really great, close relationships with their children, that they don't have.

Ditto with partners/husbands. The amount of times I have had spiteful and bitchy remarks from women commenting on the amount of stuff me and DH do together is shocking. I have 3 female friends too, who I spend time with socially, and I enjoy spending time with other family too, including my (adult) children. So I don't know why they have to make mean comments. As I said, the only thing I can put it down to is jealousy.

KERALA1 · 14/10/2017 12:41

You can have a good close relationship whilst maintaining the parent child dynamic I think. That's optimum surely.

The "friends" thing conjures up lack of boundaries and guidance (poor lemonade above) or cringeworthy Ab Fab "hanging with kids" clinging to your youth behaviour.

user1491678180 · 14/10/2017 12:52

@KERALA1

You can have a good close relationship whilst maintaining the parent child dynamic I think. That's optimum surely.

The "friends" thing conjures up lack of boundaries and guidance (poor lemonade above) or cringeworthy Ab Fab "hanging with kids" clinging to your youth behaviour.

I disagree. It is perfectly possible to be friends with your children. I don't mean 'hanging' with them PMSL. (Like going to the pub and getting pissed with them and their mates, and intruding on their movie nights, and trying to muscle in on their videogame afternoons, and joining them in their internet chats!)

I mean, just chatting to them like I would my friends, (about life, politics, current affairs, people we know, and work etc,) meeting for lunch, going away for the weekend with my daughter (just me and her,) and her dad and her going to a concert together. Getting together for an afternoon clothes shopping, or trawling round the charity shops in a tacky suburb of the city. That is what I mean, and that is what it means to be friends with your children.

I don't know ANYone who tries to get down with the kids, and BE one of them.

Does anyone actually do that?!

AndrewJames · 14/10/2017 12:57

It's intrigued me though - who are these parents who are "equal" - does that really happen?

It shouldn't. You can never be equal, it's not possible in a parent child relationship. In my profession parents claiming to be friends with their children is a red flag, you usually find inappropriate behaviour, lack of boundaries, inadequate supervision. Lack of parenting, essentially.

It's not to say that you can't have an amazing, warm, close, friendly, mutually rewarding relationship with your parents, you absolutely can. But they should always be your parents above all else.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2017 14:50

user - I think it's clear we're talking about young children and teenagers. Not grown adults who are your children. Of course it's possible - desirable - to be friends with them.

Crispsheets · 14/10/2017 14:56

I am friendly with my dcs who are 21 and 18. But I am not best friends with them. I don't want to be. They can talk to me about anything. I will help them as much as I can. But I have plenty of adult friends.
I certainly don't want children who call me every day, or live near me.

KERALA1 · 14/10/2017 15:10

Exactly crisp. I am not sure it's emotionally healthy for adult kids to be too close to parents - live in each other's pockets etc. Loving and friendly relationship of course and help if you need it but independnce and both having own friends better

bigmouthstrikesagain · 14/10/2017 15:17

I have a friendly relationship with my children. I chat, have lots of fun and laugh with them, enjoy introducing them to ideas and cultural experiences, imposing my excellent taste in music, watching tv etc. I am close to all of them in different ways. But I am not their friend. My relationship isn't built on mutual interests, I gave birth to them, have a responsibility for and to them, that is not based on friendship but a more permanent bond.

I am conscious that they are not here for me, I am here for them. They need me to be strong, wise, listen to their problems, protect them and support them. I don't want that from them. I have never felt particularly safe and supported by my mum, not her fault, and not fair, because she looked after me and loved me the best she could. But I knew too much about her troubles, I had to worry about her, listen to her problems like a friend. It meant I didn't tell her about my life and eroded my respect for her. I don't want that for my children. So I am not a friend, I am a parent.

KC225 · 14/10/2017 15:21

I have never heard a child says 'me and my mum are.best friends' I have only ever hear mums and the occasional dad say it. I smile but inside I am 'uh oh' for the reasons other people have said.

BrandNewHouse · 14/10/2017 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoanLenin · 14/10/2017 15:42

The first and most important thing you need from your children is respect. Love comes after that, but having said that, children naturally love their parents so don't worry about that part, you won't have to work too hard on it as it comes naturally for them. Never try to reverse this order and seek your children's love desperately by becoming their friend and go down to their silly level and engage in their infantile games and behaviour. They can do this with their peers. Don't entertain them all the time, let them get bored sometimes so they can invent games for themselves and use their imagination, so they won't see you as the main source of their entertainment or a friend who plays with them.
Some parents are afraid that their children will hate them if they discipline them or apply strict rules. Some parents don't even believe in raising their voice with their kids. Well, later it can become a problem.
I think most men get these rules right as in my observation men are more no-nonsense with kids and don't do mollycoddling. They are more discipline based, whereas mothers want to be more emotional and be seen as a friend. Men just parent differently. Before anyone lectures me, yes I am aware that there are exceptions to this rule.

khajiit13 · 14/10/2017 15:49

I think you can be friends but being a parent comes first. I am very close to my mum and always have been. I have always confided in her and now as an adult we do go away together, go out shopping, for food & drinks etc. I trust her completely. But I know she keeps things from me, withholds things (when she started dating is the only thing that comes to kind actually!), not to worry me. Not often but I know it happens and that is the parent in her, trying to protect me.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 14/10/2017 15:51

My mum is my best friend but also completely different from my friends. I can talk to her about anything and she doesn't judge. We support each other but if we were friends in the normal sense I would definitely be a CF! Money lending, gifts, childcare and even emotional support on the whole are one way - from her to me.

I have a lot of fun with her but wouldn't invite her on a night out - our friendship is very much 1:1 or as a part of the fanily group. Equally I wouldn't go on her theatre trips and wine tasting nights with her other friends.

I am very lucky to have her.

FlossNightingale · 14/10/2017 15:52

I am with OP.

I am my kids' friend. I am the best friend they have got.

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