To be friends with my DC

[Tainbri]

I watched a YouTube video by Dawn French (who I really like) about turning 60 and what she has learned. One of the things she said was she doesn't want to be friends with her kids. She wants to be their parent. I kind of see myself as both so not sure that I got her point?

I am my kids' friend. I am the best friend they have got

That's a really weird thing to say.

I think it depends on what age you are talkng about.. As a toddler anyone who thinks they are friends them are crazy, my DS ( 10) I have some interesting conversations , we do more things together but I am still not his friend.. I am the one who says no, puts the boundries in place, Make sure his health needs are met..Teens also yes a more open relationship but very much need boundries, set by parents..After they have left home I would say it is maybe more of a friendship...Like friends you can advise but they make the final decisions as they are now adults.. I think there is a friendship within parenting but you are not a friend.

I am my kids' friend. I am the best friend they have got.

Are you aware this is not a healthy dynamic, and are you also aware of what they are missing out on, by not having actual best friends their own age/generation?

One of the biggest lessons I try to teach my children, on a seemingly never ending basis, is how to be a friend/make friends. Another thing I try to teach them is how to respect us as parents, and what our role is in relation to them on a day to day basis, these things pretty much never really cross over. People describing their own parents as their best friends, then go on to describe things that aren't what happens in normal friendship - therefore you're not actually best friends, you just have a lovely close relationship with your parent/s.

My mother and I have/had a very close relationship that did cross the boundaries of parent/child to friends and tbh it really hasn't done me any favours at all.

Looking back I needed a parent but actually my mother treated me as a friend by leaning on me emotionally and over sharing every aspect of her life. I have a lot of issues now (too many to go into tbh!) that are down in part to the actually unhealthy relationship we had. ( there were other issues aswell which is a whole other thread)

You can view having a cool 'bff' relationship with your kids as great for you but is it really that great for your kids?
It's so important to have a parent in your life that can give you consistent boundaries and show you right from wrong which doesn't really work if you are having the cool best friend relationship.

I think having a friendship can also make a child feel unsafe, a friendship can change or be taken away if you do something the other doesn't like, you are constantly seeking reassurance that you haven't upset the parent and they will take away the 'friendship' whereas with a parent and child relationship it is clearer and more secure for the child knowing that the parent will love you unconditionally and will act as a secure, strong leader so the child doesn't have to lead themselves.

I cannot stress how important it is for a child to have an authoritative parental figure in their life for there stability and peace of mind.

My mother and I are very close still but I can see how a lot of my issues are down to not having a safe, secure childhood with proper parent/child boundaries. It was great being the cool kid with a cool parent but the reality and my future metal health was not quite so great.

I certainly wouldn't parent my own children in that way. I love them and am always there for them. We laugh and have fun and I like to think I am fairly easy going but I am a parent and ultimately I will keep them safe, secure and guide them/teach them. We are not on an equal playing field so cannot be equal friends they need me to be a parent.

Completely agree foxy

I think the major difference - as a PP commented upthread - is that parental love is unconditional but friendship isn't. And I think that's something kids need to understand - you have to 'earn' friendship by being a good friend, whereas you don't (or shouldn't) have to earn parental love.

Whenever people claim to be 'friends' with their DC I always think of Regina George's mum from Mean Girls. 'I'm not a regular mom. I'm a COOL mum.'

flossNightingale when you say you are the best friend your kids have, do you mean that you have their back, that you are 100% behind them. Or do you mean you go clubbing with them and pour out your heart to them drunkenly?

Being a single parent I think I have a different parent child relationship with my child. I think you do end up with a closer relationship than if they have a dad/step dad in the picture. Another adult changes the dynamic. I asked my ten year old what he thought. He said he sees me as a mum, a friend and a friendly mum. I think that means he knows I outrank him and am in charge but can also be friends on some level. It seems to work.