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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know if your husband/partner had committed sexual assault?

78 replies

Pizzaorburger · 13/10/2017 16:22

Just that really. He was the victim's boss and did it multiples times along with a fair amount of sexual harassment over a two year period just over a decade ago. Victim was in her late teens at the time, quite vulnerable and was really traumatised by it. Going to the police isn't an option. Husband and wife are both in their sixties. Would you want to know if you were the wife?

OP posts:
Margomyhero · 13/10/2017 16:23

Yes.

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/10/2017 16:24

Yes.

Rinoachicken · 13/10/2017 16:24

Yes

Raven69351 · 13/10/2017 16:25

I would want to know.

However, for people in their 60s, they may not see sexual harassment as just that, sexual harassment.

How long ago did the assaults occur? It may be that the man's wife does know about it but she's a product of the time she was born and has turned a blind eye.

busyboysmum · 13/10/2017 16:25

Absolutely.

2littlemoos · 13/10/2017 16:27

Regardless of age yes I would absolutely want to know. I would want to know even if it wasn't assault tbh but that's another story.

However, I wonder how it would impact the victim, to "re-open" what happened and also the response of the wife could be very damaging depending on how she reacted.

But all this aside, for me personally, I would want to know, as hard as it may be.

nevereverever83 · 13/10/2017 16:27

yes of course.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 13/10/2017 16:28

I absolutely would, if you know the wife I think its only fair to warn her. I would rather be warned by a friend than find out when the police turn up at my door!

Papafran · 13/10/2017 16:28

Yes.

Worriedrose · 13/10/2017 16:28

I doubt that they would be believed.
So if you of someone you know wants to tell the wife, be prepared that it might open you to a different type of attack from husband/wife

Ellendegeneres · 13/10/2017 16:29

Yes of course

Rinoachicken · 13/10/2017 16:29

Are you the victim OP?

badabing36 · 13/10/2017 16:30

Yes I would, but the victim has to be wary that the wife may already know and not care.

Feministcheeseplate · 13/10/2017 16:31

I would BUT going by the majority of rape cases I would not expect her to believe you.

A he doesn’t show her that side so she can’t imagine it

Or

B he’s the same with her and she’s an abused wife who is unlikely to leave anyway.

Feministcheeseplate · 13/10/2017 16:32

SO many women don’t believe their own children when it’s their partner who has committed the crime.

Allthelightsgoout · 13/10/2017 16:33

It doesn't really matter if people would want to know or not - I think what you're asking is 'should I tell the wife of someone who assaulted me a decade ago' which is a very different question with potential consequences.

MyLittleDragon · 13/10/2017 16:36

There isn't a choice as such though for the wife in the situation, she can't choose whether she wants to know or not Confused so not sure how asking if we would want to know has any bearing on things.

pullingmyhairout1 · 13/10/2017 16:36

yes

GinIsIn · 13/10/2017 16:37

Yes

Original poster
Pizzaorburger · 13/10/2017 16:37

I'm not the victim, Rino. My best friend is. She's reluctant to go to the police, and I can't blame her. The Harvey Weinstein case has brought it up again.

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 13/10/2017 16:40

Yes I would want to know, and age is no excuse for assaulting someone. Your poor friend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/10/2017 16:40

The thing is, if she doesn't go to the police, it's kinda just her word against his/sounds like malice/to be taken less seriously, if you see what I mean (and I'm not saying that to be horrible just practical - might end up with your friend being sued for slander). But very sorry this happened to your friend. Am sure it has brought up memories for a lot of women.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/10/2017 16:41

Sorry, forgot to answer the original question. Yes, I would want to know.

AdoraBell · 13/10/2017 16:43

Yes, I would want to know.

Worriedrose · 13/10/2017 16:50

Sadly I think it will do her more damage

Really the only way to deal with it and not to come across as some crazed bitter woman is to actually go to the police and have a degree of support around her.

If she tells the woman annomously it's highly unlikely to be believed, if she says it in person it's highly unlikely to be believed.
It's a shitty situation for her.

But to answer your original question, yes I would want to know. But I would be highly suspicious of someone who told me out of the blue.