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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know if your husband/partner had committed sexual assault?

78 replies

Pizzaorburger · 13/10/2017 16:22

Just that really. He was the victim's boss and did it multiples times along with a fair amount of sexual harassment over a two year period just over a decade ago. Victim was in her late teens at the time, quite vulnerable and was really traumatised by it. Going to the police isn't an option. Husband and wife are both in their sixties. Would you want to know if you were the wife?

OP posts:
Honeycombcrunch · 13/10/2017 16:50

Yes, I'd want to know but I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the police.

FilledSoda · 13/10/2017 16:56

What would be the benefit?
I can't see how this would help the victim to be honest.

MGKROCKS · 13/10/2017 16:59

Why can't she go to the police...sounds like he needs to be held to account for his actions

Allthelightsgoout · 13/10/2017 17:01

A previous poster said if she doesn't go to the Police it's just her word against is - unless she's got some concrete evidence, it will still be her word against his if she does report it to the Police.

That's not to say don't report but it's the reality of reporting historical allegations (or even current ones sometimes).

BoreOfWhabylon · 13/10/2017 17:03

However, for people in their 60s, they may not see sexual harassment as just that, sexual harassment

I am in this age group and I beg to differ.

However, the wife may well not believe it is true.

FiveShelties · 13/10/2017 17:04

I would want to know, but I think the only thing that matters is what your friend wants to do.

However, for people in their 60s, they may not see sexual harassment as just that, sexual harassment - WFT?

NikiBabe · 13/10/2017 17:06

Yes. An ex of mine had insane boundary issues in the relationship.

--Photographing me and videoing me in bed with him without my consent repeatedly among other abhorrent
things.--

I wonder if his new gf knows or what she would think of this. He keeps a video library of exes for his own self pleasure and ego.

kaitlinktm · 13/10/2017 17:06

However, for people in their 60s, they may not see sexual harassment as just that, sexual harassment.

Why not? I am in my 60s and I certainly see sexual harassment for what it is and so do all my friends of the same age. I would want to know.

FiveShelties · 13/10/2017 17:06

I was astounded that someone would think over 60s do not understand I got my WTF the wrong way round

Mittens1969 · 13/10/2017 17:09

She may well not know. A lot of women don’t have a clue what their husbands/partners are up to. My DM didn’t know what my father was doing to my DSis and me.

It was a dreadful shock when we told her. (We’d repressed the memories for years hence she only heard about it from us a couple of years ago.) But she did believe us. She says her whole marriage was a lie, and of course it was.

So would I want to know? Yes, definitely. It would be devastating, but living in blissful ignorance isn’t at all the right thing. Apart from anything else, there is the need to protect other women from him, who knows who else lives in the home?

UnbornMortificado · 13/10/2017 17:13

However, for people in their 60s, they may not see sexual harassment as just that, sexual harassment.

Bollocks and quite frankly insulting.

Yes I would.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/10/2017 17:17

It’s not really the question though is it OP. The real question is

If a random woman claimed that your husband of 40ish years had sexually assaulted her many years ago, would you immediately believe her without question and possibly destroy your marriage?

In the real world I think the overwhelming majority would answer “No”.

I hope your friend can move forward from this, whichever route she chooses to take.

MorrisZapp · 13/10/2017 17:22

Exactly what milk said. If a stranger told you that your husband assaulted her, what would you do? That is the question.

NoLoveofMine · 13/10/2017 17:23

I would want to hear if any of my male relatives had and wouldn't doubt the victim for a second no matter who it was. Very sorry to read of what happened to your friend, OP, and I hope whatever she does she's doing alright and able to deal with what happened, not that she should have to.

TaraCarter · 13/10/2017 17:23

I don't see this working out for your friend, at all.

It is incredibly unlikely this complete stranger is going to be a receptive listener. Don't.

Worriedrose · 13/10/2017 17:27

I don't think anyone would automatically believe something from a stranger

ShimmeringBollox · 13/10/2017 17:29

I would want to know, but I have to be honest and say that I would quite possibly believe my dp rather than a complete stranger.
I don't think my dp would ever do something like that, ever. I wouldn't be with him otherwise, so if he told me it wasn't true I would believe him.

MissWilmottsGhost · 13/10/2017 17:29

Likely the wife will not believe it. In which case, will your friend benefit? Especially if it is a historic event.

If it is worth reporting to the police then do so, if not then it will probably cause her more pain to talk about it and be doubted by people.

I was not believed when I spoke out about being abused. Being called a liar greatly increased my trauma.

Are you sure you have your friend's best interests at heart or are you just after revenge on her behalf?

LadyDeLaFuente · 13/10/2017 17:36

I would definitely want to know and I would want to know every last detail.

However, many people prefer to live in denial so she'd have to be prepared for the fact that the wife may get angry with her and not believe her.

I don't think I'd tell her if she was a neighbour, family member, etc because she may make my life hell and tell everyone I'm a malicious liar. But if I could tell her and then just walk away and get on with my life, I'd definitely do it.

Papafran · 13/10/2017 17:45

I would guess that the husband has already done this sort of thing to other girls/women and that the wife must on some level be aware of it.
Do you remember that TV drama recently with Robbie Coltrane about historic sexual abuse? It was based a lot on the Rolf Harris case I think. It was about the impact on the wife and the adult daughter who had been broadly aware for some time.

10 years ago isn't even that historic- we are not talking about the 1980s or something.

My advice to your friend is to get counselling by a trained counsellor dealing with victims of sexual abuse. Then, if she feels strong enough, she could write a letter to the wife, but she doesn't have to post it. But she should follow the advice of her counsellor on that- it could be traumatising for her to reveal all to the wife and be disbelieved.

Feministcheeseplate · 13/10/2017 17:52

On the threads in relationships when the op asks about telling the wife that her husband is a cheat at least half say don’t bother she won’t believe you.

And that’s for something pretty pedestrian when something like 1/3 of people commit infidelity. People really don’t want to believe their partner would commit sexual assault.

For every person here saying they want to know there are ten times more (probably some of the same women) on other threads saying “namalt” and “I know the men in my life would never do anything like that” etc etc like those bad men don’t have wives/sisters/mothers who think exactly the same

FenceSitter01 · 13/10/2017 17:56

Going to the police isn't an option - why not

I, as the wife, would think you were lying if this were the first and only time an allegation had been made

TiredMumToTwo · 13/10/2017 18:05

If I was your friend, I would go to the police not the wife. There can be no reason why going to the police is not an option.

Original poster
Pizzaorburger · 13/10/2017 18:08

Thanks for the replies, everyone.
I think we're aware that the wife might well not believe my friend. However, the man had had affairs before he started harassing and assaulting my friend, so it's possible that she had had suspicions throughout the marriage. I think if my friend does tell her (she's still considering), she'll write a letter. The wife can then believe or not believe, but at least she has the facts.

OP posts:
Papafran · 13/10/2017 18:09

There can be no reason why going to the police is not an option

Not wanting the trauma of having to relive the assault
Not wanting to upset family members who may be friends with perpetrator
Not wanting to be disbelieved by members of community
Unlikely CPS would prosecute due to lack of corroborative evidence
Even if prosecuted, most defendants are acquitted
Not wanting to give evidence and be cross-examined in court