Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you want to know if your husband/partner had committed sexual assault?

78 replies

Pizzaorburger · 13/10/2017 16:22

Just that really. He was the victim's boss and did it multiples times along with a fair amount of sexual harassment over a two year period just over a decade ago. Victim was in her late teens at the time, quite vulnerable and was really traumatised by it. Going to the police isn't an option. Husband and wife are both in their sixties. Would you want to know if you were the wife?

OP posts:

FenceSitter01 · 13/10/2017 18:19

I think your friend is wrong not to go through the correct avenues ie police.

Will be anonymous or putting her name to her allegations? It would surely be easy enough to work out?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/10/2017 18:23

Who will get hurt the most if your friend chooses to tell the wife.

It won’t be the man who hurt her - it will be the woman who has done her no harm whatsoever.

Nanny0gg · 13/10/2017 18:30

Who will get hurt the most if your friend chooses to tell the wife. It won’t be the man who hurt her - it will be the woman who has done her no harm whatsoever.

^^This.

What happened to your friend was horrific, but this will bring neither justice or closure. That will only come through reporting through the proper channels and/or seeing a counsellor. Telling the wife is revenge on the wrong person.

And as an aside I am sick to the bloody teeth of ageist comments on here. I'm in my 60s, not my dotage. And if it were my husband of course I'd want to know. But I wouldn't necessarily believe without evidence.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/10/2017 18:34

Everyone responding to this thread will say 'yes'. That's sadly not how it plays out in real life, though. And no-one's going to come here and say no, they wouldn't want to know.

LilQueenie · 13/10/2017 18:38

Yes and I would want to know all family and friends who stuck by them them so I could drop them from my life.

FenceSitter01 · 13/10/2017 18:41

I wouldn't want to know. Why would I want my life upset? I'd rather not know. Most people are ostriches and don't want to deal with things they can skilfully avoid. There are a whole lot of life decisions to be made and taken into account - how many 60 year olds want to give up their nice family home and get divorced, possibly with no income to speak of, and end up in a shitty little rented flat? Who would jeopardise their relationship with their children? Things are never clear cut.

As an aside, 'sexual assault' runs a whole gamut of things from slapping a backside to full penetrative sexual intercourse, with everything in between. People also have tolerance levels of those things depending on their background and up bringing. Some things would be 'normalised' from a life time in an abusive household.

I stand by my thoughts that your friend should go to the police.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/10/2017 18:43

Can I just say that those of us in our 60s know a fucking sexual assault when we see it. . I may be an ancient old crone but I too have been sexually assaulted in my time. I was born in the 1950s, not the 1850s as some on here seem to imply.

Allthelightsgoout · 13/10/2017 18:46

What facts? That she receives an anonymous letter saying her husband assaulted an anonymous woman 10 years ago? I'm assuming she's not going to give her name otherwise surely she should write to the man and tell him how what he did made her feel and how it affected her even if she doesn't want to go to the Police?

I don't doubt your friend and I believe her but she doesn't actually have any facts to present. She has anonymous allegations that she is considering sending to a woman who hasn't by the sound of it done anything wrong other than be in a relationship with a complete arsehole.

It's just the typical bullshit of making another woman responsible for the actions of a man.

Telling HER rather than confronting him so she either acts on that and it's her responsibilty to blow her world and family apart or she ignores it and then can never be sympathised with because 'she knew all the facts'. And she'll be blamed too - well, he had affairs so she must have known he's capable of assault and if she ignores this she's just in denial/turning a blind eye etc etc.

How about holding him accountable and responsible instead of doing the usual and making a woman responsible for acting on the abusive behaviour of men?

Ifearthecold · 13/10/2017 18:50

I doubt the wide would believe her is she was told, why would she want too, she is unlikely to have anything to gain by accepting what your friend tells her. It would be very unlikely to end well.

Going to the police would be a better way forward for your friend but certainly not an easy option or one which is certain to get her any results that she wants.

Post sexual abuse counselling may the best way forward for her, the counsellor would need to have expertise in that specific field. There are organisations to support victims of sexual abuse I would direct she looks for support there first.

Ifearthecold · 13/10/2017 18:52

Wife would not believe her if she was told.
Wish we could edit our posts.

TidyDancer · 13/10/2017 19:02

I’m having almost this exact debate with myself at the moment. I was sexually assaulted by an ex. Can’t prove it with the amount of time that has passed but the HW stories this past week have got me thinking about it all again.

Ifearthecold · 13/10/2017 19:02

Also it isn't her job to police her husband that is the job of the police themselves. The man is responsible for his criminal behaviour, him and him alone. I think your friend is picking on a weaker target, ie, the wife rather than the man who should be challenged. Is she sure that she wants to tell the wife to inform the wife for her benefit. I wonder if It might be she wants to use the wife to inflict damage on the man that she is unable too, if so that would be pretty unfair on the wife.

soothers · 13/10/2017 19:04

Police. The wife would find out eventually and you'd have a chance of halting the rapists behaviour...

Allthelightsgoout · 13/10/2017 19:12

OP didn't say he raped anyone though. Unless that's a massive drip feed.

TidyDancer · 13/10/2017 19:12

I can’t speak to the OP’s situation but I personally have zero chance of proving anything so going to the police about what happened would be pointless. I wish I could do something - anything - but I can’t. I suspect HW has been a trigger for a number of women, particularly those who may not have recognised their experiences for what they were at the time.

Papafran · 13/10/2017 19:15

OP didn't say he raped anyone though

I would put any middle aged man who forces himself on a teenage girl in the same category as a rapist, whether or not he penetrates her. I think it is just as bad in terms of emotional impact on her.

kaitlinktm · 13/10/2017 19:15

Can I just say that those of us in our 60s know a fucking sexual assault when we see it. angry. I may be an ancient old crone but I too have been sexually assaulted in my time. I was born in the 1950s, not the 1850s as some on here seem to imply.

Me too - born mid-fifties and sexually assaulted on a bus when I was in my teens. That casual ageist remark is really rankling with me.

Mittens1969 · 13/10/2017 19:21

Obviously going to the police would be the right thing to do. Very difficult though, the process of going to the police is completely traumatic, but at least you know afterwards that you tried.

But actually, telling the wife without reporting it to the police will make it likely that the wife won’t believe her.

nokidshere · 13/10/2017 19:30

I don't think she should tell the wife.

Either go to the police or don't, and it's a tough choice to make. But the wife hasn't done any harm to anyone and to go directly to her would achieve nothing except to devastate her family - and for what reason if it's not being followed up by the police?

Ruining someone else's life for no reason will not bring closure or peace.

However, I do think you should encourage her to report it to the police.

Allthelightsgoout · 13/10/2017 20:38

Papafran - OP said sexual assault and sexual harrassment.

Fortunately society is now catching up with the BS that women have put up with for decades and told was 'fun, a joke, messing about etc' like bum slapping, squeezing thighs, accidentally on purpose stroking breasts when pretending to just put their arm round you etc etc as sexual assault. Which it is. But many women are only realising that with recent high profile celebrity cases.

And I hope the OPs friend is one of those women who had that happen and now realises that it was sexual assault.

But if that's what happened, it's not accurate to extrapolate that this man is a rapist. And having been a victim of sexual assault on numerous occasions of bum slapping or boob rubbing and of rape on one occasion involving violent penetration, for me there is no fucking comparison in the emotional and psychological impact.

But currently we don't know exactly what assault OPs friend experienced so I was just saying sexual assault is a wide spectrum. Which it is.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 13/10/2017 20:44

Yes I would want to know but I don't think the victim/friends of the victim would have a moral duty to tell me

CotswoldStrife · 13/10/2017 20:54

Why doesn't your friend write to the man instead? What is she expecting the man's wife to do with this information because if she is hoping the wife will leave him and she doesn't, for example, then it's going to be very upsetting for your friend who will feel disbelieved.

If she doesn't want to go to the Police then perhaps she could consider counselling?

Papafran · 13/10/2017 21:02

That is true, Allthelights, there is a wide spectrum but if this woman remains traumatised 10 years later, it was probably a lot more serious than bum-slapping or boob-grabbing. I have been the victim of that and while I am irritated about it, it has not left me traumatised. I suspect (though can't be sure) that it was much more serious.

MiraiDevant · 13/10/2017 21:05

Agree with others. Fucked off with the stupid comment about older people. What do you think is going to happen to you in 30 years time?? Are you suddenly going to change your entire personality and turn into an idiot?? When you are 60 are you going to become bigots and twats??? Or will you just be you with a bit more life experience?

Aside from that the friend should not tell the wife. Not fair. Really not fair.

Also if some random stranger told me something about my DP or my DS or someone else I loved there is no way I would simply believe.

And if you would how much trust/faith do you have in your relationship?

Support your friend, help her with a police complaint if she needs you but I'd advise her against writing to the wife.

CotswoldStrife · 13/10/2017 21:39

I can understand not wanting to go through it all again with the Police but yet still feeling like you want to 'lash out' at the harasser BTW - just don't think contacting his wife is the way to do it.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread