To dislike strangers knocking on my door

[lizzieoak]

Last night I was home alone & the porch light was off (about 9:00pm). I wasn't expecting anyone and someone knocked on my door (which is glass). There was a pause then another (quite firm) knock. And again. They stood out there for what felt like a few minutes. I had lights on, tv on, car in the drive.

I didn't feel safe opening the door - safe area, but I don't feel anywhere is 100% safe for women.

After they left I peaked out and could see a man and woman walking down the road & they didn't go anywhere else. So not door to door charities/home reno businesses (get a lot of that here).

Today I was home w my tall teenage ds & someone knocked on the door. I called out "I'll get it", sort of expected neighbours - this time it was someone trying to sell yard services (had a jacket on w name of company).

Aside from being annoyed at people pestering us for things I can't afford/random people knocking who knows why, does anyone else find it frightening when someone knocks on the door (when you have no adult male around)?

[mintteaandbananabread]

So, if your doorbell rang at 10pm and you were home alone, would you open the door without checking who it was?

I would. I have no opinion on what anyone else should or shouldn't do though.

[BoredOnMatLeave]

I wouldn't answer late (I consider 10pm+ late) but otherwise doesn't bother me. I just go along with whatever they are saying to be honest

"Thanks, I've already got Sky, goodbye"
"Thank you, I've already accepted Jesus as my lord and saviour, have a good day"
"Ah I already donate to X charity, got to go sorry"

I'm probably a terrible person but I find this gets rid of them 10x quicker than saying not interested.

[formerbabe]

I would. I have no opinion on what anyone else should or shouldn't do though

I personally think that is very dangerous. I can't believe you wouldn't even have a peek through the window to check?

[mintteaandbananabread]

Why is it dangerous? You don't know where or how I live. In what way do you think it is dangerous?

[bumblingbovine49]

Ok. So now I need to rethink the fire escape plan agreed with 13 year old DS.

Plan- If there is a fire get out immediately. Call the fire brigade from outside the house. If you haven't got a phone with you and there is noone in the road (very very likely where we live), go to nearest neighbour and knock on the door and ask them to call. Keep going along the houses until someone answers the door. The last bit was in my mind to allow for people being at work etc. Now I assume he might have to walk ages before anyone deigns to answer the door. Let's hope in that scenario that the fire doesn't spread as far as the houses of people who don't want to strangers knocking.

Hmmmmm,.....

Surely sticking your head out of an upstairs window and asking what they want is better than ignoring completely. If you don't want to let them in/ help/ deal with them, a simpl "go away" and shut the window works fine and minimises any risk associated with opening the door

[Bluntness100]

So, if your doorbell rang at 10pm and you were home alone, would you open the door without checking who it was?

I would have a look out the window first, because I’m nosey and it’s on my way, but I would totally answer the door even if I didn’t recognise the person. The only time I wouldn’t is if I thought the person looked very dodgy indeed. Drunk, out of it, rough as fuck, then I wouldn’t answer it if I’m honest. I’d probably ask out the window what they wanted instead. I would not like to give the impression thr house was empty if some dodgy geezer was banging on the door.

So yes there is normal precautions but what’s being talked about here is a blanket refusal to answer and not just at 10 pm.

[formerbabe]

Why is it dangerous? You don't know where or how I live. In what way do you think it is dangerous

A quick internet search will show you there have been many burglaries and attacks carried out by people knocking on someone's door and somebody answering it without checking. Something like that can happen anywhere. A quick look through a spyhole or a window is an easy, quick precaution. Why wouldn't you check? I'd presume you wouldn't get into a car with a stranger so I can't see why it's any different?

[CoughLaughFart]

We're just talking about the logic and the sexism. And you don't get to decide whether we do or not.

Given that I didn't even mention the gender issues you keep bringing up, I'm not sure why you think I'm trying to decide anything for you. But as you're so keen to discuss this, consider this - it's not just about the person answering the door, but the person you're answering it to. If they do turn out to be dodgy, maybe they would be less likely to try something if there's a man in the house than they would with a woman on her own. Of course for all they know they might be picking on a woman who's a black belt or Jujitsu expert and who could defend herself far better than the man next door. That doesn't mean you should be knocking a woman who'd feel safer with her partner there.

[mintteaandbananabread]

And like I said, you are at much higher risk inside your own home with your own family.
If you want to accurately risk assess, it is safer to open the door to a stranger than it is to be inside with your own partner, statistically.

A quick internet search can tell you a lot of things, you have to actually use your own brain to put it into perspective. While of course it does happen that bulglaries and attacks do happen in that way, the chance of it happening when I open my door is extremely minimal.

[Bluntness100]

I think everyone feels safer when there is another adult in the house, but that adult doesn’t need to be Male. I don’t feel unsafe if someone comes to my door, it doesn’t occur to me, but I would agree that when it gets later at night, it becomes more unusual to have a random af your door, and sensible precautions are wise.

However again, this isn’t about if someone comes to your door late at night what would you do, i think many men and women would keep the chain on or shout out the window, the op has asked if anyone else finds it frightening to answer the door if there is not an adult Male in the house. For me thr answer to that genuinely is no, I am not frightened to answer my door if there is not an adult Male in the house.

[formerbabe]

While of course it does happen that bulglaries and attacks do happen in that way, the chance of it happening when I open my door is extremely minimal

Minimal but not non existent. If you didn't open or your door or you checked first, you'd be even safer.

[dangermouseisace]

I've got a sticker on my door saying no callers without appt/salespersons/charity people etc.

It keeps most of them away, but some people seem unable to read (it's right by the door knocker!) YANBU

[formerbabe]

Plenty of women dislike walking outside by themselves at night. People don't mock them for that. I can't see how this is much different.

[Bluntness100]

Minimal but not non existent. If you didn't open or your door or you checked first, you'd be even safer

I’m not sure about that, checking yes, but not answering, no, because in the one in a billion chance it is someone really dodgy an appearance of an empty house may incentivise them to break in.

[mintteaandbananabread]

Minimal but not non existent. If you didn't open or your door or you checked first, you'd be even safer

And if I hid in the basement and never saw daylight I would be safer still. But I don't wish to live that way.
Why do you care if I am happy to open my door?

[SilverySurfer]

OMG how could I have been so stupid! All these years I've lived alone and have been opening the door without a care in the world because I didn't realise one needed a 'man in the house' to be able to do so! Silly me - I shall barricade the door immediately

Of course if someone rang my doorbell late at night I wouldn't fling the door open wide, but would ask who it was. It may be my neighbour had locked herself out or something. Or like one evening, loud thumping on my door turned out to be five policemen who took one look at me and my walking frame and rapidly deduced they were at the wrong address.

[formerbabe]

It irritates me, but not just from a safety point of view. A knock on the door is a request. I'm under no obligation to respond to that request. I can virtually guarantee that someone knocking on my door without prior appointment will have nothing of interest to me.

[lizzieoak]

I don't have an upstairs window to call out of. I am single, so no adult male - but I do know I feel safer when a male friend is here and someone knocks on the door. I did have an abusive exh, but that's a different scenario (though all the more reason I enjoy feeling safe in my own home). I am not "locked in", the door locks behind me when I close it, which seems fine and sensible to me.

I don't get the charges of sexism. My feminism does not encompass the delusion that rapists are not put off by a friend/family member of the intended victim standing right there. From what I've read (& common sense), they tend to go for the easy option. Which is a woman on her own. If I did open the door to a stranger and he pushed past me, there'd be bugger all I could do about it (being 5"4 and 9 stone & slight), but if my male friend who visits was here (6"3 and not slight) the stranger would regret coming near my door.

Fine if some of you open your door to anyone at anytime, but for those of us who don't, it does not mean we are mad or meek, we just are more risk averse than you. I also get the flu shot, wear my seat belt, don't let someone who's been drinking drive, etc.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck]

I especially don't like it as I have an early rising DS, and try to be in bed by 7. Anyone knocking after that can fuck right off.

[mintteaandbananabread]

From what I've read (& common sense), they tend to go for the easy option. Which is a woman on her own

There are women on their own everywhere. The chances of someone coming to your house, when they have no way of knowing who else is in your house are extremely tiny. It's illogical.

That's not to say you are in any way wrong if you would rather not, it's entirely up to you. Just lets not overstate the risks here.

[Bluntness100]

I also get the flu shot, wear my seat belt, don't let someone who's been drinking drive, etc

Apart from the flu shot I do those things too, I think nearly everyone does, because they are rhe norm, as is answering your door. Your are putting what is not the norm, too scared to answer your door, in the same basket as the norm, not drink driving or wearing a seat belt.

[CoughLaughFart]

Plan- If there is a fire get out immediately. Call the fire brigade from outside the house. If you haven't got a phone with you and there is noone in the road (very very likely where we live), go to nearest neighbour and knock on the door and ask them to call. Keep going along the houses until someone answers the door. The last bit was in my mind to allow for people being at work etc. Now I assume he might have to walk ages before anyone deigns to answer the door. Let's hope in that scenario that the fire doesn't spread as far as the houses of people who don't want to strangers knocking.

This is beyond ridiculous. Surely part of this plan could be telling your son that, if someone isn't answering, to keep banging on the door, shout 'please help, my house is on fire!' through the letterbox, knock on the window as well - do whatever it takes, because it's a fucking emergency? I know I would if my house was on fire.

I don't tend to answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone/a delivery, because it's normally someone selling something. However, I also have enough sense to know that if someone keeps on banging and shouts that they need help, it's probably an emergency.

Of course if it was one of the 'people who don't answer the door are weird' brigade who had the burning house, they would probably knock once, roll their eyes at me being one of 'those' people and then go back to watch the fire. Then next time I happen to walk past the charred remains what was once their home, they would come over to me and say 'Oh hello, how are you? I was hoping to see you actually. I just wanted to let you know that my house has burned to the ground. I did knock for help, but you obviously thought you were too important to answer the door'. And off they would walk with a superior swish of the head.

[lizzieoak]

It might be tiny, but it happens. It could be a serviceman who's been here before and twigged I'm single. It could be a neighbour or someone ds knows. If someone came to fix my plumbing I wouldn't recognize them a week later so they'd be a stranger. For example.

It's not struck by lightning rare. I'm not cowering under the sofa in between door knocks. I love my house and am relaxed in it. I just don't like opening the door to randoms, especially when it's dark out.

[AppalachianWalzing]

We recently had a break in, they came in via a neighbour's garden at the back.

DH and I went to knock in to let the neighbours know, esp as police said they were clearly doing the rounds, the neighbours were clearly in but didn't answer the door. We hadn't met them before (they back onto us) but that's a situation where they have actually made themselves less safe by refusing to answer the door.

I don't currently have a chain but in most situations I open the door- it has recently been: a neighbour letting me know about neighbourhood watch stuff (which we wanted to know about), another neighbour letting us know he had a tradesperson in to do x if we wanted to have it done at the same time as it would be cheaper (we did) and a milkman looking for new business which I didn't want at the time but am glad to know comes to the area.

If you're too anxious to open the door, get a chain. If you're too anxious to open a door with a chain, then I honestly think therapy is a sensible solution, assuming there aren't other circumstances that account for it.

[ReanimatedSGB]

I'm not waiting for a Manly Man to look after me - I go out alone at night whenever I want, and always have done (and it's certainly true that statistically, a woman is more at risk of violence if there's a man already living in the house than if she answers the door to an unfamiliar one.)

I just don't want to answer the door to randoms (who are never going to be anyone I want to engage with) so I don't.