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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to lie about the whole thing or should i face the consequences and be honest?

90 replies

explain · 12/10/2017 19:03

Posted in another area but want advice on here too for more traffic hopefully...

I'm currently pregnant via donor. I have just started to tell friends and family of the news. The majority of them I have told that I am pregnant by an ex and my really close friends I have told the truth of it all. However a few friends have taken it really badly and are demanded answers as to how I got pregnant and why I would sleep so carelessly with an ex?! Now i feel awful for lying, as this baby was 100% planned (via donor). I will be facing this particular friend later in the month and he is demanding answers. Do I tell him the truth knowing that he is completely against women choosing to have children on their own?

OP posts:

Lagerthaisfabulous · 12/10/2017 19:29

If you are naming an ex, thats really off.

But its non of your friends business.

Although, if your ex treated you bad i can see why it may bother a friend. Because you, to your friend, you have linked yourself to this man.

WitchesHatRim · 12/10/2017 19:31

The majority of them I have told that I am pregnant by an ex

Sorry but that's really not on.

You need to tell the truth.

Reluctant2ndtimer · 12/10/2017 19:31

All you need to tell your ‘friend’ is that it’s none of his damn business and to fuck off frankly!

eddielizzard · 12/10/2017 19:32

do you need such judgemental friends?

Mrskeats · 12/10/2017 19:33

What kind of a friend 'demands' answers??
I agree it was weird to lie though. What's wrong with using a donor?

Wilburissomepig · 12/10/2017 19:34

'Demanding' answers? Tell him to fuck right off. This is none of his business. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Justaboy · 12/10/2017 19:37

Do I tell him the truth knowing that he is completely against women choosing to have children on their own?

Blimey who is this dinosaur and where did you dig him up from?.

innagazing · 12/10/2017 19:39

I think you need to back pedal to the people that you've told you got pregnant by an ex. However, it's no one else's business, and you can just say it's a private matter and that you will not to discussing it.
No one has a right to DEMAND any information from you. Just stick with 'it's a private matter'. As your child grows, you will need to explain the absolute truth to them from the start. Be prepared for your child to share the information freely with anyone, as that's the nature of a lot of children.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither will your child when the time comes for it to understand the situation.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

CamperVamp · 12/10/2017 19:40

I doubt the OP is naming an ex. And she says 'an ex' not 'the ex'.

However I would just come up with a firm concise statement to be trotted out to everyone. Something like "my baby is very much wanted and was planned. In case you're wondering no one has been tricked or deceived, but I won't be discussing the paternity of my baby until tne child is able to be part of the conversation ".

Or just say "there is a donor but I won't be saying more"

gamerwidow · 12/10/2017 19:40

Tell the truth it’s too complicated lilting about something this big and when you slip up (as you will do) everyone will feel betrayed that you lied. Apart from anything else you hasn’t done anything wrong so you don’t need to hide or justify this.
You must have considered when choosing a non mainstream method of conception that it would cause questions so own your decision.

autumnrainandbooks · 12/10/2017 19:41

I agree there is nothing wrong in using a donor but I understand why OP doesn't want to volunteer this information.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 12/10/2017 19:43

dont forget that whatever you tell people now may be told to the child when they are older.

MadMags · 12/10/2017 19:43

Well his demands don't have to be met, do they?

If you're talking about an ex specifically, or they're assuming it's a certain person and you're not correcting them, that's pretty despicable!

Theresnonamesleft · 12/10/2017 19:44

I don't understand why you would lie about this at all. The dinosaur can fuck off about demanding answers, its got fuck all to do with him.

Have you thought this lie out? Will you also lie to the child and let them believe that x is his dad?

If you were really convinced in your choice, then you wouldn't have started this ridiculous lie. You need to own it and be proud that you have enough confidence to go through a donor and raise the child yourself.

CardsforKittens · 12/10/2017 19:45

No need to lie.
You: "I'm pregnant! Due in March!"
Other people: "Oh wow! Who's the father?"
You: "I'm keeping that quiet for now. It's complicated."

That should be enough for most people. If they persist,
You: "Oh look! Is that Elvis?" [Pointing somewhere behind them.]

A friend who demands answers isn't a friend.

And lying about an ex isn't great either. If I were you I'd tell people it's not actually the ex, and then proceed as above.

BlackPepperCrab · 12/10/2017 19:46

I think you shouldn't lie about it but I don't think you need to tell the truth either. Just tell him it's a personal matter. Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean s/he needs to know about every nook and cranny of what's going on in your life.

AlternativeTentacle · 12/10/2017 19:47

Do I tell him the truth knowing that he is completely against women choosing to have children on their own?

A - what the fuck has it got to do with him?
B - you could tell him to fuck off.

autumnrainandbooks · 12/10/2017 19:48

I don't understand why you would lie about this at all

I do.

Not everyone 'agrees' with donor conception and csn be highly offensive when explaining why, or even just ignorant.
"Will you let it meet its REAL dad?"
"What if you donated and there was A Knock At The Door in 18 years time?"
"Some man wanked in a cup, errghh."

and on, and on.ì

And then you get gossipped about.

I wish we all lived in cuddly liberal communities but we don't. For my part, I don't give a shit what people say to me but I don't want it said to my child.

Iwantaunicorn · 12/10/2017 20:00

It's absolutely no ones business but your own. If you want to tell him, go for it, but you certainly don't have to explain to your friend how you conceived your baby.

I'm currently pregnant with my ivf babies and haven't told many that's how it happened even when I've been asked, because I'm not comfortable with discussing it, and it's between me and dh.

The main thing is you're pregnant which is really exciting! Congratulations!

PoorYorick · 12/10/2017 20:04

It's wrong to lie about it if you're slandering an innocent man and making everyone believe he's a feckless, irresponsible father.

If you're not naming names, and people aren't making inferences, not to worry.

Maybe better to say it's a one night stand you can't track down, although tbh I'd rather just be honest.

Greenkit · 12/10/2017 20:06

Be out and proud about the origin of this baby

and Congratulation

BlackPepperCrab · 12/10/2017 20:08

Be out and proud about the origin of this baby

I disagree. Just because you're not out and proud about something doesn't mean you're ashamed of it. Some people like a bit more privacy in their lives.

autumnrainandbooks · 12/10/2017 20:12

Indeed black

2017SoFarSoGood · 12/10/2017 20:15

I would not think it anyone's business how you get pregnant (big congratulations by the way!) and be aghast at them asking.

The answer 'this baby was planned and will be so loved' might be one I'd share. Other than that, completely up to you.

Original poster

explain · 12/10/2017 20:20

Just to be clear ex doesn't know that I am pregnant, but I totally understand I should not have said it. It was just the pressure I was under in the phone call I just said "yes" when I asked if it was him. I know I shouldn't have.

OP posts:

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