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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Taking daughter to gymnastics

84 replies

ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 17:54

We have one DD, aged around 12. She does a gym class from 8pm until 9:30 on Wednesday evenings. Normally my OH drives us all to gym and then he and I hang out together. Important fact: he's the only driver in the family, but I cycle & use transit to get around so never rely on him for lifts etc.

When I got home last night he was on a conference call. I had cycled home (10 k) and then I made dinner for us all, walked the dog etc, so he didn't have to do it. When it came time to drive DD to gym I said I'd rather stay home and wash my hair/ have a bath, and he was furious, claiming I was using him as a taxi.

I think driving your child to gymnastics is not 'using him as a taxi". He thinks it is, because I organised the class with DD and I could take her on the bus. But she doesn't like the bus, she likes being driven (obs).

Who is right?

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 12/10/2017 18:55

This makes very uncomfortable reading & I always go a little bit cold when I read about “ disrespect” as this was how my DH used to be. Thank goodness he no longer talks like that! A marriage should be a loving equal healthy relationship. Are you still going to counselling together?

placemark123 · 12/10/2017 18:56

I think stella is probably saying that she would be sick of ALWAYS being the one to take the kids to activities, plus do all the other things that need done via car. I hear you Stella!

Pengggwn · 12/10/2017 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 12/10/2017 19:00

If he was brought up to do nothing then he thinks doing anything is a massive concession worthy of fulsome praise and probably blowjobs.

Nope.

May50 · 12/10/2017 19:00

The having to apologise for being disrespectful is a bit of a red flag for me. Big nope to that. But yes for your sake learning to drive would be really useful , I would struggle if I couldn't drive.

fridgepants · 12/10/2017 19:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 19:00

tigercub - off and on. Our last session was really great and I thought we'd turned a corner.

But when he gets in this mood, it's like nothing has changed. He used to get really nasty, and I've learned to de-escalate him better over the years, but the sarcasm and controllingness is still there. I've asked him to see someone, he did for a while, he claimed he'd do better, and he does in SOME ways - he no longer comes home and nitpicks everything I or DD have done for example. But he still has childish fits like this. His brother is the same. I think they learned it from their dad.

I'd like him to look into meds but he refuses. Whatever. I just feel kinda calm about it all. I'm willing to consider he's just pissed off about being the only driver - fair enough. Some PPs have suggested he has a point. I feel sorry for DD, though.

OP posts:
Raven69351 · 12/10/2017 19:03

I think you need to start driving OP.

Your DP is being completely unfair and making your daughter feel guilty for going to clubs. It should be such an enjoyable thing for DD to go to gymnastics and your DP is ruining this for her.

Don't rely on him anymore for lifts for DD. You need to get the bus with her to gymnastics or tackle driving her yourself. If getting DD to get class and the massive cycle to work you're doing is too much, then could you get the bus to work/car share?

NikiBabe · 12/10/2017 19:03

So if he was on a conference call when you got home, he was working from home then?

So he has been sat on ass in the home whilst you cycle 10k, walk the dogs and cook dinner and he thinks driving his child to gym means he is being used?!

Shock
Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 19:04

we get our groceries delivered, so he doesn't do that.

I pick up random shite on my bike during the week - as does he (he also cycles/takes transit sometimes).

He does have to use the car for business/doing the recycling/dump runs/ etc. But the recycling run is maybe once every 3 months or so.

He does offer to drive DD to some sporting events but he offers. No one is expecting him to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 19:04

yes Niki he often works from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 19:06

raven I agree, it bothers me what it's doing to her.

I will look into driving but I have good reasons for being worried I'll be an unsafe driver.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 12/10/2017 19:06

That's appallingly lazy then. You're out on a bike exposed to the elements and then walking the dogs. He is on ass not having left the house and he cant be arsed with a drive having not been out all day.

Lazy of.him.

scottishdiem · 12/10/2017 19:07

He is a total fucker for asking for an apology.

However, how much notice does he get for taxi duties? How much is planned ahead and how much is, well he is the driver lets go. I tend to have a plan for the evening and after conference calls I would have follow-ups there and then but its a while since I had to do that from home.

As placemark123 notes, it can be a total fucking annoyance to be the only driver. Your daughter is going to have to learn to take a bus on her own sooner or later. Its how she is going to get around when she is a little older.

But that apology thing means he is also a wanker.

permatiredmum · 12/10/2017 19:09

But to be fair your dh was at work whilst you were cooking and dog walking so I am not sure how that earns you brownie points.I think as you were the one who signed nher up for it, it is a bit of as cheek to expect him to take her and you sit at home

stella23 · 12/10/2017 19:10

Stella- I’m sorry that your the only driver in your home- but are you seriously suggesting that you resent taking your own children to their extra curricular activities? Really?!?*
resent my childrnen no, it's not my children's fault they only have one driver in the house.
But i do resent my stbex for not pulling his weight in the driving department.
All the little extra jobs that come with being the driver all add up over time.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 19:11

scottishdiem she already takes the bus on her own. That night, she'd taken the bus home on her own from a sports event and got home around 5:30. She already does take transit a lot, as the transit is fairly frequent around here - quite a few kids do. I'm just not ok with her (nor is he) doing it after dark unless someone's doing dropping her off at the bus & picking her up from bus.

OP posts:
placemark123 · 12/10/2017 19:13

I am definitely not suggesting that being the houses' only driver and pissed off about it is okay if he is a nitpicking, sarcastic cruel controller, I would just like to add!

WeddingsAreStressful · 12/10/2017 19:17

From your other posts he sounds pretty nasty generally. But taking this incident in isolation - I would be pretty pissed off being the only driver in the family and having to ferry everyone around for their activities and I'd probably have a moan about it once in a while. And I don't think it's unfair for your daughter to realize he is doing her a favour and that dad is not a taxi service. She should thank him. Ferrying her around at 9 pm in the evening after a full day of work is neither fun nor required. And working from home is not "sitting on his arse". Whether he is doing a conference call from his office or his home, it's still work.

Spangles1963 · 12/10/2017 19:22

The line that jumped out at me here is the first one:- 'We have one DD,aged around 12.' Around 12? Don't you know how old your own DD is?! What a strange way to phrase it. I'm surprised that loads of PPs haven't pointed this out. Sorry,not trying to derail the thread.

Slimthistime · 12/10/2017 19:24

I do think some of this is about the fact that he can't share driving

If you will be unsafe on the road due to anxiety (I have anxiety too and it's best I don't do certain things) then I think you need to talk to him and find a way of splitting chores that accounts for him being the only driver.

innagazing · 12/10/2017 19:25

When you agree that your child does a regular activity, it's implicit that you sign up for driving them there if they can't get themself there.
Op was busy cooking and walking the dog, and it's really not unreasonable for dad to take his daughter.
It's just what you do as a parent, and it shouldn't be an issue. I'm talking as a lone parent who has spent 16 years ferrying dd to her activity four or five days a week, and sometimes three times at weekends.
I'd make a point of going by bus and not cooking for him and also expect him to walk the dog too.make sure that he thanks you profusely when you do cook for him!

Mamabear4180 · 12/10/2017 19:26

He's an arsehole. That's it really Sad

HolgerDanske · 12/10/2017 19:28

Uhm it's fairly obvious that OP probably just didn't want to give exact age but still wanted to give an accurate enough idea of the age of the child.

MinervaSaidThar · 12/10/2017 19:36

He thinks he's being a taxi not because he's driving DD there, but because he thinks it's solely OP's responsibility to get DD to gymnastics and he OH SO GENEROUSLY helps OP out. He's missed the point spectacularly.

As for apologising for disrespecting him, I think I'd be telling him to go fuck himself.

I agree with MrsH. He can't feel all superior and long-suffering driver if you're not in the car.

This is the stick he chooses to beat you with. He sounds exhausting.