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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Taking daughter to gymnastics

84 replies

ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 17:54

We have one DD, aged around 12. She does a gym class from 8pm until 9:30 on Wednesday evenings. Normally my OH drives us all to gym and then he and I hang out together. Important fact: he's the only driver in the family, but I cycle & use transit to get around so never rely on him for lifts etc.

When I got home last night he was on a conference call. I had cycled home (10 k) and then I made dinner for us all, walked the dog etc, so he didn't have to do it. When it came time to drive DD to gym I said I'd rather stay home and wash my hair/ have a bath, and he was furious, claiming I was using him as a taxi.

I think driving your child to gymnastics is not 'using him as a taxi". He thinks it is, because I organised the class with DD and I could take her on the bus. But she doesn't like the bus, she likes being driven (obs).

Who is right?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 12/10/2017 18:26

He also told me the way I told him I was planning to stay home was wrong. I should have used particular words and apologized and thanked him for driving her etc

What is he the boss?

Tell him to get a fucking grip, and next week take her on the bus and leave him be, whilst also not being the cook and chief dogsbody around the place.

lougle · 12/10/2017 18:26

"He also told me the way I told him I was planning to stay home was wrong. I should have used particular words and apologized and thanked him for driving her etc."

That's just nuts! You're not his underling.

TimetohittheroadJack · 12/10/2017 18:28

Tomorrow evening, when he asks where his dinner is, remind him you are not a chef.

Spudlet · 12/10/2017 18:30

If you chucked him out, you could use some of the maintenance he'd need to pay to pay for an actual taxi, with much less whinging.

Just a thought.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/10/2017 18:34

He sounds very pompous and controlling. But realistically I would hate to be the only driver. Any possibility you could learn? I was 35 when I learnt, it took a while, but it was worth it.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:34

I do fantasize about living on my own a fair bit.

LOL @ Spudlet.

The bottom line is I don't get why driving DD to gymnastics should be about me. It should be about her shouldn't it?

to the posters who have brought up that he's probably tired of driving: that could be it, but then I don't understand why he offers to do driving for her school etc. No one is expecting him to.

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 12/10/2017 18:36

Am I right in thinking that you can drive OP, but choose not to? I can see why that would be annoying but I don't think your DH has gone about this the right way at all.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:37

I feel like he's controlling yes. And he's been told and told and told but it's like he gets triggered and can't help himself. I hate it.
I have thought about learning to drive, but I won't be able to drive anyone for the first 3 years (different system here) so it seems kinda pointless.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:37

no I can't, I don't have a license

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 12/10/2017 18:37

Ah, I misunderstood. I understood getting a bus to mean on her own, not with OP.

He thinks he's being a taxi not because he's driving DD there, but because he thinks it's solely OP's responsibility to get DD to gymnastics and he OH SO GENEROUSLY helps OP out. He's missed the point spectacularly.

As for apologising for disrespecting him, I think I'd be telling him to go fuck himself.

chachaboom · 12/10/2017 18:39

I think he's just peed off as he doesn't have the choice to stay at home when he doesn't feel like going. He's always got to drive. I'd take turns in future (learning to drive would benefit you).
Not sure why he wants an apology though.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:39

I never thought of it that way. Food for thought.

His mother did EVERYTHING for them growing up. He never even learned to cook. I sometimes wonder if he expects the same from me. He says no, but I wonder.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 12/10/2017 18:40

If it wasn't you not driving, he'd find something else to complain about.

I left exh and got my driving licence, he always told me I wouldn't be able to do it.

You'll never be able to reason with a controlling, unreasonable person.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:40

fair point

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 12/10/2017 18:42

Unbelievable he sounds like hes contolling, why should you be tiptoeing round him choosing the right words. Is he abusive in any other ways?
Of course he should drive his daughter to her class, shes his child for gods sake. Sorry but he sounds like a right wanker.

Cookingongas · 12/10/2017 18:44

A few have asked what would happen if you didn’t act as his chef and dog walker- what happens when you take his argument to it’s logical conclusion. Has he grovelled sufficiently in appreciation for the dinner you made him?

Which seems to be what he wants- a fawning over the top half plead for him to be Sooo kind and sooo generous and would he PLEASE do this one favour for you? And you’d be ever so grateful and would know just how good a man he is if he could manage to take dd to gym? And then after to grovel once more in praise and thanks for his generous and selfless ways.

Yanbu- he’s a selfish man child

stella23 · 12/10/2017 18:44

am getting pretty tired of this argument with him tbh.

Yeah me too, just in the other side of the argument. I get sick and tired of being the only driver.

boneyes · 12/10/2017 18:45

He sounds like hard work... not very sexy or appealing being this controlling!

Cookingongas · 12/10/2017 18:46

Stella- I’m sorry that your the only driver in your home- but are you seriously suggesting that you resent taking your own children to their extra curricular activities? Really?!?

bastardkitty · 12/10/2017 18:47

Tell him to take her on the fucking bus next week - what a stupid cock.

CotswoldStrife · 12/10/2017 18:47

You can't carry passengers for three years after you get your licence?! Where is that?

The sooner you pass it though, the sooner the three years will be up. Driving is not for everyone but I think it would help here.

placemark123 · 12/10/2017 18:48

To be honest my husband not wanting to get a uk license is the only thing in our marriage that has on occasion made me consider divorce. Maybe it's different inyour scenario but I find it so frustrating being the default driver always, never being able to have a drink if we go out for lunch or dinner, always having to be the one to pick things/people up. He can NEVER go 'no worries, babe, I'll run to the shop/drop all the crap at the dump / take the kids to the party/take turns driving to Cornwall Angry' and in turn I can never ever have the option of just staying in, crashing on the sofa, washing hair etc. The worst is that it can be really taken for granted. Maybe it just felt like a bit of a slap in the face because realistically it does sound a bit like you signed her up to this course, but taking her is optional for you esp if you just don't feel like it, but he HAS to take her or it will be all 'poor dd, having to take the bus '.

But if you do 99% of everything else then tell him to do one! Only you know.

Original poster
ItLooksABitOff · 12/10/2017 18:52

sorry I lied. I don't want to give too much more info in case it outs me, but it's not 3 years.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/10/2017 18:52

Driving for the school trips is him being oh so generous by choice, whereas anything to do with his home and kids is by default your job, so you should be thanking him with a big smile and asking him to do it ever so nicely.

lottieandmia · 12/10/2017 18:54

You are right, he is wrong. Driving kids around is part and parcel of parenting.