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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or selfish? DP skipping birthday trip

72 replies

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 12:13

DP and I have been together 8 years. We see each other at weekends only and holidays. He's a wonderful man and been amazing with my kids, pretty much seeing then through their terrible teens and doing all the midnight party pick ups, uni open days, etc.

Its my birthday this weekend and I asked for us to go out with my kids (coming home from Uni) to a new long (that's relevant) film on Friday night. He agreed. However.... his young adult son has been having a huge struggle with MH issues and just been diagnosed with borderline person disorder. On Tuesday this week he needed collecting in the night and bringing home from his flat 2 hours away. DP is knackered and does a very physically demanding job too. Also his father is terminally ill. So when I rang to check about Friday he was throwing up obstacles as to how he couldn't get to me in time or wouldn't be able to stay awake. We've had this before and he would just chug a few Red Bulls and skip a shave before coming over. I really get how stressed he is but our summer holiday consisted of him texting back and forth with his son day and all night, every 30 mins, and hardly talking to me. Sex has evaporated in the last few months. I feel like we are barely together. I know I'm being unreasonable but I just feel disproportionately sad, tearful and hurt about my birthday. Am I in fact a horrible person? I can't seem to be a grown up about it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2017 12:19

Yes, you are being ridiculously unreasonable. He is clearly going through a very difficult time right now and you're pouting about him going to a movie. If you were going through all of these problems and were exhausted on top of it, would you want your partner to be supportive and to put things into perspective? I bet you would.

RhiWrites · 12/10/2017 12:19

I saw Bladerunner in the cinema and it was a bit gruelling. Could you do a shorter film? Normally I'm all about birthdays but with his dad so ill and his son having problems too you can see it might seem a bit much.

PinkHeart5914 · 12/10/2017 12:20

Well I think his sons mental health problems would stress any decent parent out and make you worry no end, his also dealing with his father being terminally ill again that would make any decent caring child stressed.

Maybe he just doesn’t have the head space right now to sit in a cinema watching a film when his dealing with many big things and is knackered, so I’d cut him some slack tbh

Your still see your film with your dc and I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time

Acadia · 12/10/2017 12:20

His priority will always be his children - that's the sign of a good father. You need to come to terms with that.

Being seen only at weekends you are low on his list of priorities. Maybe this worked in the past when you did not mind keeping things casual, but after eight years you are clearly hoping for more commitment. Which is understandable.

But he cannot give you that, which is also understandable for him. His kids are always going to come first.

5rivers7hills · 12/10/2017 12:24

Jesus Christ you are being sooooooo bleeding U here

GreenTulips · 12/10/2017 12:28

We were meant to have a family meal and show for my birthday

DH was called away for work. I went with the kids as planned with an adult friend

It's one of those things. It's not a big deal and we had a nice time

Notonthestairs · 12/10/2017 12:32

I'd absolutely give him the space and the support in whatever form he needs right now.
I understand why you might feel put out or left behind a bit but it sounds like he is having to deal with a lot.
Plan something else nice - in a week or two (or longer).
You said yourself that he has been through a lot with you and he has shown you that you and your family are important to him - now its time to return that care.

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2017 12:34

You've had this arrangement for a long time. Is this one of those 'final straw' situations where you've not been happy with it for a while? Because it doesn't seem like a big deal to me in itself to reschedule this for a different night, or go without him and you two do something different for your birthday.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2017 12:36

Is this really about your birthday or about the fact after 8 years together you are unsure about the relationship because you only see each other at weekends mainly? Are you looking for a bigger commitment?

Fattychan123 · 12/10/2017 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ravenmum · 12/10/2017 12:38

I don't think you do get how stressed he is.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2017 12:40

YABU. You say he has been really supportive about your kids so why can't you do the same for him?

PoppyFleur · 12/10/2017 12:41

Acadia sorry I can't follow your logic. The DP has been "a wonderful man and been amazing with my kids, pretty much seeing then through their terrible teens and doing all the midnight party pick ups, uni open days, etc."

His priority has been OP and her children. Now it's his son and father that need support. At some point can this "wonderful" man (to use the OP own words) get some emotional support from his partner?

Sorry OP you are being very unreasonable, selfish and a little heartless.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 12/10/2017 12:43

Yes you are being amazingly unreasonable & very selfish with it.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/10/2017 12:43

Sorry but you have to suck this up. If he was ignoring you while you were in trouble or distress, it might be slightly different, but you are not his priority right now. Tough shit. He's got enough to deal with.
Instead of whining and nagging, how about backing off, gracefully, for a bit? Let him know that you are there if he wants to talk to you, but you don't want to add to his stresses.

Bitchywaitress · 12/10/2017 12:43

Fatty what a bitchy thing to say! Horrible, and it's 'you're'.

Hotpinkangel19 · 12/10/2017 12:43

Wow.... Yes you are being U.

BlueSapp · 12/10/2017 12:45

8 yrs and still only bf gf stuff, I don't think hes that into you, also how self centered are you being, you'll have other birthdays but would you ever forgive yourself if you forced him to come and he had an accident because hes overtired, or that soemthing happened to his Son while hes partying with you and your children, He has his priorities and that is his Son and his health. YABVU

Scoobydoobydont · 12/10/2017 12:45

Chug a few red bulls and skip a shave? When he is knackered from work and dealing with serious family health issues.....so he can go to a movie for an ADULTS birthday!!

Wow

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 12:45

Thanks for the feedback. I did think I was just being selfish. In some ways it has been a final straw but mostly because I feel like all the stress is pulling our relationship apart too. I'm really in there with him, being as supportive as I can both emotionally and practically but I'm also sad.
Thanks for the frank replies. I owe him an apology.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2017 12:46

Fatty what a horrible post. I wonder about the mental state of someone that feels they need to say that to a complete stranger on the internet.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/10/2017 12:50

Are you actually angry because of what is wrong with his DS? Where he sees borderline personality order do you see selfish entitled drama loving twat? Which is why you feel resentful?

Mittens1969 · 12/10/2017 12:50

Yes you’re being U, and you know that, I think. You’ll still get to see the film, it’s just that your DP won’t be there. He needs to be there for his DS at the moment, and his father. I think the last thing he’ll want to do is go and see a long movie.

You can celebrate with your DP at a later time.

Uptheduffy · 12/10/2017 12:50

It's ok to understand why someone can't be there for you and at the same time feel sad and disappointed about it.

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 12:52

Yes. His son's issues have been part of our relationship for the last 8/years, and taken ups lot of his/ our time and emotions too. Its been roller coaster.

OP posts:

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