Aibu or selfish? DP skipping birthday trip

[fauxfurnoknickers]

DP and I have been together 8 years. We see each other at weekends only and holidays. He's a wonderful man and been amazing with my kids, pretty much seeing then through their terrible teens and doing all the midnight party pick ups, uni open days, etc.

Its my birthday this weekend and I asked for us to go out with my kids (coming home from Uni) to a new long (that's relevant) film on Friday night. He agreed. However.... his young adult son has been having a huge struggle with MH issues and just been diagnosed with borderline person disorder. On Tuesday this week he needed collecting in the night and bringing home from his flat 2 hours away. DP is knackered and does a very physically demanding job too. Also his father is terminally ill. So when I rang to check about Friday he was throwing up obstacles as to how he couldn't get to me in time or wouldn't be able to stay awake. We've had this before and he would just chug a few Red Bulls and skip a shave before coming over. I really get how stressed he is but our summer holiday consisted of him texting back and forth with his son day and all night, every 30 mins, and hardly talking to me. Sex has evaporated in the last few months. I feel like we are barely together. I know I'm being unreasonable but I just feel disproportionately sad, tearful and hurt about my birthday. Am I in fact a horrible person? I can't seem to be a grown up about it.

If you totally understood it, you wouldn't be here complaining about it, sorry.

Normally I'm a big one for people making efforts for birthdays, but in your case, I think you do have to just accept that your DP is far too stressed out with everything to be able to "be there" for you on this particular instance.
I get that it's disappointing, but dear god, look at what he is dealing with!

I'm glad that you have accepted that YABU about it and I won't attack you over it - I hope you manage to have a nice time with your children, and I hope your DP's troubles ease very soon.

You really need to read up on MH problems. They won’t go away, believe me. Your DP must be desperately anxious about it, as well as very upset about his father. Your birthday probably won’t even register on his radar as mattering at all.

Thanks. I know I'm being unreasonable. Its been a long haul for him and I know I owe him an apology.

I don't think you need any more people to put the boot in OP.

Forge your about the birthday, you'll have your lovely kids home from uni to enjoy the film with. I think you need to consider how you'd feel with your adult child falling apart and parent dying. You might not feel like putting a late night out in the diary, even for your partners diary. Try to be a bit more supportive and take the pressure off him for now. You'll probably find he comes anyway in the end just can't cope with being pressured at the moment.

Relationships are not always so smooth and you need to be ready to put yourself second when things are tough for the other person.

I don't think you are ssssooooooo ssssooooooo unreasonable or agree with any of the fairly bullying remarks you have had for wanting a birthday.

I think you are unreasonable to expect this but it's understandable. We all have feelings and it's hard to put others first all the time.

You'll have to suck it up this time if you want to stay together though

Sorry about the rubbish spellcheck!

OP YABU

fauxfurnoknickers Thu 12-Oct-17 13:34:35
Thanks. I know I'm being unreasonable. Its been a long haul for him and I know I owe him an apology.

Big ((((((((((Hugs)))))) OP.

YABU
In a movie you just sit there in silence anyway. Can't you just go by yourself?

Then pick up the phone and apologise op. You’ve known you owe it for nearly 24 hours. Stop adding to his stress right now and deliver the apology.

Dealing with a family member with a personality disorder requires boundaries. You can't always allow that person's needs to dominate. Although you know that in this instance you were probably BU, OP, nevertheless you can end a relationship because it does not meet your needs. You may have every sympathy for the person coping with it, but your needs matter too. It sounds like this is a particularly awful time for your partner. You can choose how long you are willing to hang on in there and wait for things to improve. Your partner's son has been in crisis recently and he needs to be there for him, alongside the other challenges he's facing at the moment. You are allowed to struggle with this.

To clarify various bits, DP and I aren't going to split though I can't pretend I haven't thought about it. We can't live together yet for practical reasons but are engaged. I am not demanding our sex life get back on track right now, but I miss it. Nor am i ignoring his grief. I am 100% supportive of him and have been looking after him through this to the best of my ability. We talk for hours about how he feels. DP has found his son exhausting and very difficult to help at times. We had two years of hurtful behaviour (verbal abuse) at one point. He was undiagnosed till a few weeks ago so we had no idea what we were dealing with. I've stood by dp and remained neutral and supportive.

The replies on here have shocked me into seeing how I have been selfish about wanting a birthday with him and feeling shut out and missing closeness recently. Mostly I felt sad (self pity) and sad for us that we couldn't be as close as we normally are - he needs to look after himself and his son first and foremost and that means he's had to put everything but that to one side. I get that now. Reading the replies here, some sensitive and insightful, some unhelpful, has got my head clearer. Of course I've apologised. We've arranged a Plan B that fits his need for rest and space. I'm still sad, but that's my problem. I've arranged to speak to a counsellor to sort out my shit too. I can't say its been a pleasant experience getting a kicking here, but thanks to those who took the time to think and help.

Happy for you, OP. You've taken everything on board, apologized and looked for a positive way forward.

youre not unreasonable to be disappointed. You cant help how you feel. It does sound like hes got a lot on at the moment and is not feeling able to prioritise you guys. I hope it all settles down soon

Good for you OP. I hope things settle for you all and life gets easier and brighter when you all get through this trough. Take care.

Bless you, OP. I think you're well on your way to being the wonderful supportive partner your DP needs. And that will help him, in turn, be a supportive and positive parent to his son. And as a result, the two of you will become even closer.

I wish you well on your journey.

I'm always impressed by an apology :)

It’s understandable that you feel disappointed and resentful, but you need to share those feelings with someone other than your partner bc what he’s going through is terrible. It doesn’t get much worse than a dying parent or a seriously ill child, never mind at the same time. You really need to step up and be more supportive if you want the relationship to last.

Go for your movie with your kids and have a great night, and let him have a quiet night to himself.

Then on a mutually agreeable night, head over to his place with a few DVDs, some popcorn or favourite treats, a bottle of wine and a small birthday cake and candles, and have a night just chilling out, reconnecting and touching base with each other again.

You’re responding well, OP. It’s natural to feel disappointment, but you need to be there for your DP. You’ll be able to have a ‘belated’ birthday celebration with him.