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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or selfish? DP skipping birthday trip

72 replies

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 12:13

DP and I have been together 8 years. We see each other at weekends only and holidays. He's a wonderful man and been amazing with my kids, pretty much seeing then through their terrible teens and doing all the midnight party pick ups, uni open days, etc.

Its my birthday this weekend and I asked for us to go out with my kids (coming home from Uni) to a new long (that's relevant) film on Friday night. He agreed. However.... his young adult son has been having a huge struggle with MH issues and just been diagnosed with borderline person disorder. On Tuesday this week he needed collecting in the night and bringing home from his flat 2 hours away. DP is knackered and does a very physically demanding job too. Also his father is terminally ill. So when I rang to check about Friday he was throwing up obstacles as to how he couldn't get to me in time or wouldn't be able to stay awake. We've had this before and he would just chug a few Red Bulls and skip a shave before coming over. I really get how stressed he is but our summer holiday consisted of him texting back and forth with his son day and all night, every 30 mins, and hardly talking to me. Sex has evaporated in the last few months. I feel like we are barely together. I know I'm being unreasonable but I just feel disproportionately sad, tearful and hurt about my birthday. Am I in fact a horrible person? I can't seem to be a grown up about it.

OP posts:

GloriousGoosebumps · 12/10/2017 12:54

So if it were your daughter who suddenly needed your help and support would you still be insisting on seeing the film or would you have dropped everything and hot footed it up to her university to help her? I suspect that you wouldn't have been able to get to her fast enough.

Mamabear4180 · 12/10/2017 12:54

YABU and you need to try and be supportive at this time. Do you mind me asking why you only see each other on weekends and don't live together? Maybe it's relevant if things aren't going well?

YellowFlower201 · 12/10/2017 12:55

Glad you've seen sense OP. It's just a birthday and your partner really seems to need a break and support.

Hope things get better for his son

recklessgran · 12/10/2017 12:57

Under the circumstances I think you are very unreasonable to be honest.
Just go out with your DC and enjoy your time with them. Then I think you need to step up and support your DP with what is happening to him and then maybe your relationship will improve. I'm sorry OP but I think you're being really selfish.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/10/2017 12:59

Yep I'm afraid I agree YABU. Quite a lot actually.

Are you really moaning that his libido has dipped a bit? He's under tremendous stress you know, that will usually have an effect on libido. You need to have a major think about this relationship because it seems like it's not really working for either of you

bastardkitty · 12/10/2017 12:59

Fatty has made really vile comments on a number of threads. Best ignored.

You asked a genuine question OP and you have been receptive to the responses. I suppose the bigger question is whether this is now a viable relationship in the long term. Your partner's son is not going to just 'settle down' and so this relationship will be a long term stressor. It's difficult for both of you, I'm sure.

Fattychan123 · 12/10/2017 12:59

IF your DP was writing this he would more than likely say

DP and I have been together for 8 years. We see each other at weekends and holidays.
I am involved heavily with her kids, pretty much seeing then through their terrible teens and doing all the midnight party pick ups, uni open days, etc.

Its her birthday at the weekend and she asked us to go out with her kids who are coming home from uni on Friday.

My son is really struggling with his MH at the moment after been diagnosed with borderline person disorder. On Tuesday this week he needed collecting in the night and bringing home from his flat 2 hours away.

I am knackered and I'm doing a very demanding job, My dad is terminally ill as well.

She called and asked about Friday and I explained I'm tired and I probably wouldn't be able to stay away let alone get there in time.

Its happened before I just chugged a few red bulls and managed to ride it out.

We went on holiday and my son needed me he was texting me a lot I know this bothered her but I couldn't ignore my son when he needed me. Our sex life isn't great at the moment, I have so much going on

AIBU to not go on Friday? Would it be so bad if she went alone with her children so I can rest and have some time to myself.

.........You are being unreasonable. You know you are. Admittedly my first post was horrible I apologise.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 12/10/2017 13:00

I will keep it short as I don't think I will be able to avoid being horribly rude to you.

Yabu. A lot.

usernameavailable · 12/10/2017 13:03

Op, yes you are being U. He is clearly going through a hard time. Don't let it spoil your birthday. Tell him you are there for him and understand why he doesn't want to go out. Then go and have a lovely time just you and your kids. I am sure it will be lovely!

happy321123 · 12/10/2017 13:03

Borderline personality is very stressful not only for the person diagnosed, but the family. I’ve seen so many parents who look like they haven’t slept for years with worry, and it’s very difficult for them to accept hospital is the worst place when all the parent wants is for someone to put their child in a safe place. I fully sympathise for them both. Please make sure you understand about the illness and be as supportive as you can. Maybe it’s time you visited him at the weekends to give him a break from driving, and allow him to be close to his son.

Oh, and no amount of red bull will help this situation

CoyoteCafe · 12/10/2017 13:04

In some ways it has been a final straw but mostly because I feel like all the stress is pulling our relationship apart too.

Really? Because his son is in crises and his father is dying? You don't sound like a very good friend.

I admit to not really getting the birthday thing -- It isn't as big a deal to me as it is to others, but your DP is going through what will most likely be one of the most difficult phases of his life. It only seems decent to try to be a good friend to him while that is happening, and then see how things are when this phase passes (his son is appropriately medicated, his father is dead).

I think that long term relationships do well from time to time to just focus on being nice to each other and acting like friends.

Enjoy your birthday with your kids, and spend some time with him one on one later.

happy321123 · 12/10/2017 13:05

Fatty I always respect an apology

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 13:06

Weekends only because my house is tiny so we can't live together and I needed to be with kids and we enjoy our space. We see each other in the week if we aren't both too knackered (rural so bit of a drive). Yes, I do resent his son sometimes. He's put his dad through hell, going NC when he didn't meet his demands for cash, and every time his dad gets settled, he has another accident or injury to himself and off it goes again.

OP posts:

another20 · 12/10/2017 13:13

Show your DP some kindness and ride the waves. What would support and help your DP at this time? Could you arrange a weekend away or a massage for him to catch his breadth?

Sounds like he might be experiencing some v deep life events that maybe you have yet to experience or may never experience. He must be exhausted - physically and mentally - caring for a terminally ill parent and a mentally ill child. I am sure his down time would not be to drive hours to sit for hours late night in a cinema with someone elses kids.

The recent diagnosis of BPD should put things on a more even keel once everyone has come to terms with the situation and a care package is in place. Sadly with his DP - that situation will draw to a close.

You will get him back eventually emotionally and physically if you can support him through this.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/10/2017 13:14

OP I was still feeling a modicum of sympathy for you until that last post.

Everything set up nicely for you and your kids / life. Any times his kids or life infringe on that, you're not happy. Not nice at all

I don't live with my DP either. Though we do see each other a lot more than you and your BF. If he were going through what your BF is, I would not be worrying about my birthday or sex life that's for sure.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2017 13:16

I'm glad you're having a good think. No one can truly understand the stress of having a child (of any age) with MH issues until you've been there, done that. DH and I are in counseling now to help us cope with the strain on our marriage and to help our adult son in the most supportive and 'non-smothering' way we can. Things are going very well. If you want to keep your relationship, I suggest you consider counseling.

I'm cutting Fatty some (but not a lot of) slack based on the way many people react to families with members who have MH issues. Her/his post was my first reaction to the OP, but I took a deep breath and realized that OP was coming from a place of a lack of knowledge about the stress MH issues can put on a family.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 13:18

Oh dear, you’re making yourself sound worse. Yes you’re being un reasonable, you sound selfish and demanding, but his son is mentally ill for gods sake. Have some empathy.

recklessgran · 12/10/2017 13:19

OP the son's behaviour is all part of the personality disorder and he really can't help it and isn't doing these things on purpose. It would help if you could read up a bit and get some knowledge then perhaps you wouldn't feel so resentful. I feel really sorry for you as well as your DP as there is not going to be a quick fix for this I'm afraid. [Speaking from experience]. You will need to have the patience of a saint and also accept that there is no remedy and although the problems will settle eventually there will always be times of crisis, It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid. MH is a big problem as it is so misunderstood and under funded.Good luck OP just arm yourself with some knowledge and support your man as he has done you in the past.

SootSprite · 12/10/2017 13:19

Christ, I was hoping this one was a reverse. I figured surely no one could be this selfish and nasty. Bloody hell.

ravenmum · 12/10/2017 13:20

I can understand that you might resent the disturbance, but his son clearly has some serious problems which explain his difficult behaviour. Being "just" the girlfriend does mean that you can choose whether to continue the relationship on those terms. You don't have to live with it like he does.

Obviously maybe not the best time to dump him when his father is ill too, but there's never a good time. And frankly, maybe he would actually appreciate not being under as much pressure from your relationship. Maybe you could "sell" it to him as being something that you think he might want, too?

Whatever, be kind to the man. He sounds like he's been doing his best to be a good dad and partner, and has done a pretty amazing job of it so far.

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 13:22

I meant my partner and I enjoy our space. not me and kids.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/10/2017 13:23

Obviously also consider staying and supporting him, but really, maybe a crappy lack of support and unreasonable pressure is worse than no support at all.

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 13:25

What am I demanding? I have questioned lack of sex or talking. I make sure we do things that help and support him. I totally understood his need to speak to his son every 30 mins. I helped get his son treatment. I've done the drives up and down the motorway to see him in hospital...

OP posts:

another20 · 12/10/2017 13:25

When you lose a parent you re-evaluate your own life and all your friendships. If you want to stay with this man I would be stepping up now when he needs you unless you want to be binned.

Original poster

fauxfurnoknickers · 12/10/2017 13:26

*haven't

OP posts:

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