Selectively anti-social colleague

[overun]

Does anyone else have to put up with a selectively anti-social work colleague?

I’ve been struggling with one for over a year. She talks only to those above her. The manager, boss etc. I’m on the same level as her work wise but she sees me as nothing, not worth talking to or looking at, it makes working with her uncomfortable and difficult.

AIBU to complain about this? How do I do it without it sounding petty?

I don't envy you OP you don't have to be best of friends with work colleagues and socialise so much that you get no work done but you can be polite pleasant and respectful. I hate people who are selective and only speak to certain select people usually only if their is something in it for them.
DH's best mates wife was like this and our kids went to the same school. It was awkward 9 1/2 times out of 10 she would totally ignore me never smiled, said hello or made any eye contact. Infact if their was another 'like minded mum she knew' there she wouldn't return a 'hello or morming'. Other times at a kids party were none of her 'like minded' mum friends were there she was all over me. Would send texts about a a social night out then blank me the next day. Absolutely no need for this repeated selective or dam right rude behavior anywhere in the work place or in the playground. Her daughter behaves exactly the same. It must make going into work very uncomfortable OP.

First thing is: It's NOT you, overun, it's her. Repeat to yourself as many times as necessary until you believe it.

If you put in a grievance would the others back you up?

Well, for a start off I'd stop making the effort with her.

Only communicate when necessary.

She sounds awful, OP.

I've known people like this. Only nice to people higher up.

Total bullshit Imo.

Sounds like she may be jealous of you perhaps. I work with people like this. Sometimes I suspect it's a sign of insecurity. She may view you as a threat.

I’m currently writing my statement for the grievance I’m raising, luckily I’ve made notes and can look back on texts I made to a friend which have really helped keep it all in chronological order and not just a jumbled rant. It’s been difficult to write and I’m upset that she will get to see just how her behaviour has affected me, it adds to the humiliation

Definitely not okay behaviour, and you are doing the right thing to get it out in the open. There are some people who don't interact...fine. But this is personal and that's what hurts, you're anxious, your hearts racing and don't underestimate this, it is a form of bullying. I've been where you are except the perpetrator was jealous I was higher than her. She was vile and nobody in the workplace could sort it.Eventually I ended up getting the union involved and left under an agreement. As I walked out she shouted down the office " happiest day of my life". Even now years later it makes me stressed just remembering. Good luck OP.

Have you posted about her before? This sounds super familiar!

Have you asked her why she is snubbing you?

Can you suggest mediation?

You both get to air any grievances in front of a manager who then suggests ways of moving forward. It's documented so a specific plan.

Good luck, it is a horrible situation

Yes I’ve posted about her before, it’s been going on 18 months now and I’ve had enough, when confronted my management she just shuts down so I can’t see mediation working.

It sounds like it's less about her sucking up to management and more that she has taken an unreasonable dislike to you, personally. Particularly as your colleagues have noticed the way she pointedly ignores you and refuses to interact with you even when it's necessary.

You may not want to answer this and you certainly don't have to, but it's worth considering when you file the grievance - is there something about you that she might have a problem with? Such as: your ethnic background, religious beliefs, personal life? If you are the only [member of partiular ethnic/cultural group/LGBTQ/person with a disability] in the team then she might be guilty of breaching the equalities policy in the workplace, as well as being a childish rude asshat.

I work with one of these except her selective niceness is not to those above her but those of the opposite sex.......

Good for you OP.

Good luck

Reanimated I’ve thought a lot about why she only does this to me. It’s almost driven me insane. I’m pretty ordinary, nothing really sticks out as the obvious reason. I recently discussed this with a colleague who said if there was something really that strange/wrong with you we would all see it and maybe react the same way.

Is there definitely nothing that you have said.

I have, in different jobs, not engaged with three colleagues, that I can think of.

One showed that they were racist.

One told me that she had a rabbit that she'd forgot about, until she found it dead (this was a SW!).

Another one was very into 'Woo' and more or less told me that my DH died of Cancer because he had no-one he could be honest and open with.

I didn't want to have to explain to others why I didn't acknowledge them.

I find a lot of people brush over racism/disabilitism/sexism. I don't.

That was in the days before you could take racism to HR etc, though.

Would it be helpful, though, to make op analyse what she's said? I am sure she's done it to death, to the detriment of her wellbeing and, of course, allowed this person's shocking behaviour to continue because, deep down, she has wondered if this is just her fault.

It doesn't matter why this person refuses to talk to op in the workplace - even in a professional capacity. It is not the behaviour that should be accepted from an adult

If mediation isn't an option I would definitely file a grievance.

It's completely unprofessional of her and if it is impacting your job and making you anxious, you need to take it further.

Grievance has now been submitted, it’s taken just over a week to put together I’m well and truly shattered. A very poorly timed migraine has not helped.

Keep us updated

Are you in retail? I worked for a retailer where those employed by the shop wouldnt talk to me (i was employed by one of their suppliers)

The next step now is an investigation. Not sure how long that will take but I guess the investigating officer will have to talk to those I work with, I haven’t even mentioned this to them for fear of jeopardising things, worried I will look bad for complaining, even though my colleagues have seen what’s been going on I’ve never discussed how it’s affected me.

Wizzywig- no I’m not in retail, more care and education

Sorry I don't get it? Is it affecting your work?

That sounds really draining and I completely get why it has troubled you so much. Do you have other friends at work?

I don't think it's helpful to suggest OP worry about if she ever said anything 'offensive' in this person's hearing and that's why the woman is being such a PITA. Even if a colleague has religious/political/philosophical views you disagree with, blanking that person in the workplace is petty, childish and unprofessional. If your colleague says things at work which breach equality/diversity legislation, you report the colleague to HR rather than 'sending them to Coventry'. If you're just aware that you have different opinions (and your colleague is not ranting continuously about whatever the topic is) then you get over it.