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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To ask how to wriggle out of a lift share?

94 replies

TexanBar · 11/10/2017 22:52

DS is 14. He is about to start an evening activity running from 7pm until 9pm. Activity about 8 miles away. DS has a friend who will also be starting the same activity. I am pretty certain that friend's parents will ask me to lift share. Trouble is that I find Ds's friend is rude and disrespectful and I don't want to end up driving him to this activity each week. Trouble is I can't think of a single good excuse i could give as to why " I can't do it." Can anyone think of anything?

OP posts:

Intomyarms · 12/10/2017 08:44

I don't understand why people are saying the other child's parents are entitled etc. They didn't ask for a lift. They suggested a lift share. It really was a very sensible and reasonable suggestion.

OP perhaps your time would be better spent trying to dissolve the friendship between your son and this other boy as people tend to be judged by the company they keep and if the other boy is as rude as you say, there is a chance your son behaves similarly when you are not around.

ShiftyMcGifty · 12/10/2017 08:53

I like what you plan to say. Only adding that you should mentally prepare yourself for possible cheekiness and practice a retort

"Oh what are you up to?"

Vague answer/change subject
"I'm juggling a few things. How's x finding y then?"

"That's ok, we can work around them and lift share when you can"

"No thanks. I don't really want to end up explaining myself at this level of detail so you will just have to believe me when I say it won't work for me."

GracielaSabrocita · 12/10/2017 08:54

I'm with the honesty is the best policy option. (Not in every situation but certainly in this one.) The parents of rude kid need to know about his behaviour, and the brat himself needs to know that his behaviour has consequences. If you don't say anything then the only consequences are for his parents, who are left wondering why you don't want to help plus why they have to drive every week, and for you who misses out on a lift share.

Instead you could say that you would love to halve your driving duties and do the parents a favour,, but you will only do it if the little shit (maybe you shouldn't use that exact phrase) improves his behaviour. Explain briefly your expectations i.e. he needs to be polite - start with what you want rather than what you don't want. If necessary then give a few brief examples of previous behaviour that you find unacceptable, but don't dwell on the past.

Everyone benefits. However please clarify, OP: if this situation involved a well-behaved child, would you be happy with it? Or do you enjoy the journey and 1 to 1 time so much you don't want to give it up?

PovertyPain · 12/10/2017 08:56

In real life, when you actually have to see these people day in, day out, it doesn't really work like that if you want to maintain normal social relations.

Totally agree, with you. In our heads we can be so assertive, but it's not that easy, in real life. I think saying it's the only chance you get to spend one to one time, with your son.

caringdenise009 · 12/10/2017 08:58

They haven't actually asked about a lift share yet, have they?

cingolimama · 12/10/2017 08:58

OP, I'm with pp who advocate telling the truth. I would definitely want to know if my kid was rude.

Also, can't you just not tolerate his shit in the first place?

echt · 12/10/2017 09:03

I don't understand why people are saying the other child's parents are entitled etc. They didn't ask for a lift. They suggested a lift share. It really was a very sensible and reasonable suggestion

Except they haven't asked for a lift. This is all anticipation. I just don't get why the OP can't put a lippy kid in his place; would rather tell a convoluted lie that could drop them in it later than the truth; would involve their child in a lie.

Sheesh.

brownfang · 12/10/2017 09:21

Am I the only paranoid one thinking that the next time someone declines to give my kid a lift with a naff excuse, I should reply with "Oh, it's too bad you think my kid is a horrid monster. I guess we can't be friends after all."

(Note to self to stop reading MN threads if I want to have a sane life)

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 12/10/2017 09:27

Frankly, you'd be doing the parents a favour if you tell them that their son's rudeness means that you don't want to give him a lift

Yeah, but how many people have (a) done this and (b) it helped? Telling a parent their child is rude would never end well. Lots of keyboard warriers on this thread, but that approach doesn't work so well in real life

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 12/10/2017 09:38

Personally I would just do the lift share and enjoy the fact that I only had to make the drive every 2 weeks instead of weekly. Parents of rude kids normally don’t take any criticism on board about their kids so I think it would be a waste of time telling them that their son is rude. It would just make things awkward for you.

Pull him up on his bad behaviour when he’s in your car, or just ignore any rude comments he makes and chat to your son.

dustarr73 · 12/10/2017 09:44

Can you not get in first and say you are looking forward to all the 1 on 1 with ds.Be so nice to spend quality time together.

BarbarianMum · 12/10/2017 11:29

Really social suicide? As opposed to you just avoiding an awkward conversation?

brownfang · 12/10/2017 11:48

Thing is, I know a lot of people loathed DS & despaired of me b/c they decided his bad behaviour was my fault (since I couldn't make him stop).

Since I couldn't stop it, I avoided people & opportunities for him to have social interactions. So them telling me my kid is a brat could not be helpful in any way. At best it made me depressed & at worst it made me want to avoid them at all costs. I could already tell b/c of other behaviour that people had a low opinion of him & me. There was no news flash.

I think I'm saying OP has a set of no-win options here.

3luckystars · 12/10/2017 13:15

Brown fang, that’s really hard. I can imagine feeling the same and I have it all ahead of me

How are things now?

Original poster

TexanBar · 12/10/2017 16:03

So many great replies. Sorry I can't respond individually to each one, but they are all very much appreciated.

We do live in quite a rural location so the bus services are not good enough for DS to use them travel to his evening activity unfortunately.

To posters who think that I just need to "Put the cheeky child in their place", I don't think I can be bothered. Why have the stress to trying to sort out other peoples' children's' behaviour when it's bad enough dealing with my own! I would be happy to lift share for a pleasant child. Not so much for a not so nice one. Life's too short!

OP posts:

cingolimama · 12/10/2017 17:13

Stress? Honestly, I don't get that it's stressful saying "stop that" or "that's rude" or "I don't appreciate that kind of behaviour". Just be clear and unequivocal, and don't ask them, tell them. It may be that the kid doesn't actually enjoy being a pita, and this stuff is just habit. Wouldn't it be great if, by you laying down the law, he becomes the "pleasant child" you'd be happy to lift share with.

I realise that last bit may be overoptimistic! And of course, OP, if you don't want to, then just don't. But (and I mean this kindly) you seem to be tying yourself in knots over this and it really isn't necessary.

You have three choices:

Say no to any lift share with this child. You don't need to offer an explanation, but if you like, I think the 1to1 time is best.
Do the lift share filled with resentment because the kid's appalling behaviour is driving you nuts but you don't feel you can say anything. Clearly this is the worst option.
Try the lift share for a couple of weeks. And really don't take any of his shit. If it works, great, it means you have more time and it's just a generally nice community thing. if it doesn't work, go back to option 1.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 12/10/2017 19:06

OP, how about saying that it won't work for you because you'd like to do things on the way there or back (shopping, popping in to see friends, 'errands', grabbing some food with your DS)? I'd think that would make even more sense given that you live in a rural location so combining activities...

DaisyRaine90 · 13/10/2017 17:00

Op - you should be bothered because it takes a village to raise a child 🙄 that’s what’s wrong with our society, we have nothing but self interest

Drivendementedd · 25/04/2018 14:28

I started a job in January, a new colleague told me she lived in the building behind me and asked if I could drop her home. I naively agreed thinking that I would gel with new colleagues quickly. However, this turned in to a full month of lifts in and out to work with her asking me personal questions such as my salary and then arguing with the manager for a pay rise. I got fed up when I was late once or twice in the mornings and she would call me demanding where I was and that she has been waiting outside my building. I finally stopped collecting her as I would sometimes wait 10-15 minutes for her and was feeling so annoyed at her attitude bearing in mind she never once offered to pay for petrol and told me she was so happy I joined as it was getting really expensive for her paying taxi fares. I was still stuck bringing her home as she would just follow me out to the car and sit in. She commented twice on my personal belongings being in the car asking wow is this a sweet shop/beauty salon. It was driving me insane! This went on for 4 months until I finally told her last week that I’m not insured to carry passengers and if I have an accident they won’t pay out so I can’t bring her. The journey was awkward she seemed upset but seemed to understand. I went in the following day and she interrupted a conversation I was having with another colleague to ask when I was going home, I said I told you I’m not insured so she insisted I should drop her to the closest taxi station when I declined. I thought she got the hint but the day after she asked again, I replied no. Today, she snapped at me infront of colleagues and deliberately tried to make me feel incompetent. I ignored her and just as everyone was about to leave she asked me for a lift again, I told her I’m not a taxi service and she looked at me in shock. The problem is I’ve heard her complain about me behind my back preciously and she’s told me the other staff don’t like me/think I lied to get the job which I later found out to be untrue. What is it with these people and what can I do? It’s driving me insane!!

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