To feel so utterly fucking betrayed?

[Spuddington]

I'm in a shitty marriage. I'm unhappy but we rarely actually see each other thanks to work shifts. I'm trying to get enough money together to leave but I have £17 to my name until payday so it's not too easy.

Decided today I couldn't cope. Took DD to DM's and came home to ask DH to leave for a while.

I thought I had DM supporting me but after explaining to DH that I can't do this anymore he said he knew what my problem was. He has long conversations with my DM about me where they talk about my childhood and now they've both decided I have low self worth and nothing is his fault and I'm being unreasonable by wanting to leave him.

I feel like DM has totally betrayed me. Back to square one. She'd rather support my ea husband than her own daughter.

Fuck this.

I'd be raging. Do you have any other support?

Women's Aid. He's done a number on your support network. Get out

Have you checked what he is saying with your mother ? He might be lying.

Fucking Nora! YASNBU! Do you have any other support? What has your mum said to you about it? I hope she has apologised at the very least.

Yes, I would hold back until you have spoken to your mother. It's a well known tactic if abusers to remove your support network...

He's not lying, she's got form for minimising. She's all I've got sadly.

Have called Women's Aid in the past but short of a refuge many miles away there's fuck all I can do and he's a cunt, yes, but not enough of one to leave my job and life.

Do you have a friend/another relative you can stay with?

Fucking hell!

As someone who had similar from my family during a divorce ("You can't expect us just to dump him because you have - he's been part of our lives for years"/ "But Mum, I'm telling you he was abusive and had an affair!") my best advice is to walk away and have nothing to do with either of them for a bit.

Oddly enough, when my exP criticised my sister (a much more minor incident than the abuse he doled out to me) my family decided he was persona non grata. Because obviously she has feelings and I don't.

Sometimes you have to make people see your point of view, and NC for a while is a great way of doing that.

op I am so sorry that you have been let down like this by your dm. What a complete disappointment at a pivotal moment in your life.

But no, you don't need to just go back. He needs to go. You need to distance yourself from your mother and get some support from other areas.

Do you have some friends whom can rally around? Or siblings? If not, then you can simply come on here and you have lots of people willing to help you through this.

You can make him leave if you want to. Waiting to payday is possible if you really can't manage but in the end if you are at the end of road, you are at the end of the road. Be strong, you can do this.

Ok so you got it together to ask him to leave, he said your mum said he's not to blame (for anything) but fuck that, he can still leave. How have you left it?

That is just such betrayal of your trust. I agree. I do know how you feel as my mother and brother are like that about me. They have fat chats about how I’m not actually that ill. I have CFS/ME, which they diss and he has been physically abusive/threatening because of this disability. They are both nasty to and about me and according to my mother, my brother and I don’t get on, it’s just sibling rivalry. I am petrified of him btw as I cannot escape him if he decides to attack me.

I don’t know how I’d feel if I had to face living with them everyday though.

You really should consider how much your current life is worth because having such a small amount to your name is very little and will never help you to dig yourself out. Perhaps it would be better to leave now and start again. And you don’t want your child to become your abuser too, which may happen as they grow.

Don't let him isolate you from your support network. It's classic EA behaviour to try to make you think you have the problem and that everyone is on his side.
Stay firm.
He's trying to distract you and dredge up issues between you and your DM. You're not back to square one. Tell him you want him to leave. Park the issue with your DM for now.

He sounds like an arse and, as others have said, turning support networks against you is a sign of abuse.

If you don't mind me asking what area are you in? I only ask because there may be other domestic abuse support you can get, aside from a refuge, but these can vary between different areas.

They may be able to give you advice regarding separation and any legal steps you need to take. Depending on the tenancy and whose name it is they can give you advice about getting him to leave the property. They may also be able to point you in the direction of food parcels/emergency financial support.

WA can also advise you on the practical aspects of ending this relationship, depending on your circumstances. EG if you own the house or are the sole name on the tenancy agreement, you can have him forcibly removed if he won't leave, but if that's' not the case, it's potentially more difficult and a longer process.
If there is any record of his abuse of you, it might be possible to get a court order that allows you to remain in the family home and forces him to leave. Unfortunately, without evidence/court orders, you can tell him to leave but you cannot force him to do so immediately. However, this doesn't mean that you have to carry on indefinitely in a relationship that you do not want (it doesn't matter if other people think it's 'not bad enough to leave' - you don't want to be this man's partner and therefore you can end the relationship.)

i think you should feel betrayed by your mother, yes. I don;t know anything about how your husband treats or what you dont like about him, so it is difficult to say that he was not speaking to her in the interest of saving the relationship.

Do you have low self worth? If so thats probably your mother's fault (very little of how we behave as adults is not attributable to our parents).

I think this is something you need to raise with her before you make any sudden moves to end you marriage.

Tell him it doesn't matter what he or your mother think, YOU want him to leave. YOU.

What's the situation with the place you live in?

OP, have you heard this from him or has your 'D'M said this to you directly? Just checking because I wasn't sure from your post.

If it's him saying it, I'd be suspicious that he was twisting her words.

If it is her saying it to you directly, that is just awful and not what you need at all. Very disappointing.

Lovely that your mum is so supportive of him. She won't mind him moving in with her then? Great solution - everybody happy.

Of course it is entirely possible that he has exaggerated these "long conversations" with her and is putting his own spin on it in order to isolate you further.

I have had this in the past.
It is possible you do have slightly low self esteem. But:
If you do, it is entirely down to the way these two treat you (IF true re M)

The sooner you get him (poss her) out of your life the better.
So sorry you feel upset (rightly so!).
You CAN do this.

Have you actually spoken to your DM about this? As it sounds like you are just taking everything he said for granted. They might have spoken about you having low self esteem, that doesn't neccessarily mean your dm thinks you should stay with your dh! Or that she is on 'his side'.

'Well done Mum. Hope you made the right decision there - I mean, I can't quite see him making time to come and visit and make sure you're cared for when you're 85, but hey! You choose your side, you live with the consequences eh? Bye'

You can still leave him and go to your mum's. Even if she thinks it's your fault (which I doubt very much) if you tell her you're leaving your marriage surely she will house you until you're sorted out?

Loads of parents feel a bit wtf about their adult children's relationship traumas but they'll still very happily give you a home when you need one.

You don't have to prove to anybody that it's his fault. You can leave because you're unhappy. Or you can even say 'yes you're right, I do have xyz problems, so it's best we separate'.

What you don't have to do is stay in a horrible situation because your mum agrees that you might have problems of your own. I'd be very keen to get her side of that anyway.

YANBU at all.

Do you have any other support, and will you be able to save funds quickly to LTB?

What about joint accounts, is everything in both names or do you have your own money separate from him?

That's terrible OP. However, have you actually double-checked this with your mother? Given his form, I wouldn't just assume that what he said she said is completely accurate. It could be true but equally he could be grossly exaggerating, taking her out of context or just plain lying through his teeth.
Regardless of that, you don't need to justify to him why you want out of the marriage and best not to let him try and draw you into that sort of discussion.

So your mum doesn't agree with he... Does that stop you asking him to leave? Ask him to leave! If he doesn't wait until he is out, get the locks changed and pack his stuff and leave it outside for him. If your mum loves him so much he can go stay with her!