Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so utterly fucking betrayed?

52 replies

Spuddington · 11/10/2017 13:00

I'm in a shitty marriage. I'm unhappy but we rarely actually see each other thanks to work shifts. I'm trying to get enough money together to leave but I have £17 to my name until payday so it's not too easy.

Decided today I couldn't cope. Took DD to DM's and came home to ask DH to leave for a while.

I thought I had DM supporting me but after explaining to DH that I can't do this anymore he said he knew what my problem was. He has long conversations with my DM about me where they talk about my childhood and now they've both decided I have low self worth and nothing is his fault and I'm being unreasonable by wanting to leave him.

I feel like DM has totally betrayed me. Back to square one. She'd rather support my ea husband than her own daughter.

Fuck this.

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 11/10/2017 15:29

YANBU sorry to hear this op, what a mess Flowers

Jux · 11/10/2017 15:40

See a solicitor for advice on how to get him to leave.

Mulch · 11/10/2017 16:05

I'm really sorry op your mother who's meant to be your support system has obviously let you down. Please don't let this stop your plans carry on with asking him to leave or go to a women's refuge. I know typing is alot easier than doing but imagine another few years with him instead.

Hufflepuff719 · 11/10/2017 16:08

Like others have said OP, ask him to leave. It is your decision, nothing to do with what your mothers says/wants.

Hufflepuff719 · 11/10/2017 16:09

Like others have said OP, ask him to leave. It is your decision, nothing to do with what your mothers says/wants.

Original poster
Spuddington · 11/10/2017 16:22

Sorry, lots of replies here.

I'm in Staffordshire.

He told me but I've spoken to DM and she admitted it. It makes me so angry, but I'm not entirely surprised. In the past she's said I "make him angry" which is royally shitty.

As far as my self worth goes I know I'm a good mother, I'm good at my job and my DD is a clever, lovely child. He insists I have no self worth because my DF died when I was a child but I don't know where he's getting it from. He says I'm useless but I know I'm not.

I can go to the CAB drop in on Friday to see where I stand but I can't afford to leave/have him leave just yet. I work nights and he's childcare when I'm at work. If I have to leave my job I'll be worse financially in the short term and even if I do stay with DM I'll be jobless - she's 25 miles away from here.

OP posts:
JessicaEccles · 11/10/2017 16:27

Tell your mum that if you do have low self esteem, it's because she's a man pleasing handmaiden who can't even stand up for her own daughter. Angry

HerOtherHalf · 11/10/2017 16:34

He insists I have no self worth....

And yet:

I know I'm a good mother
I'm good at my job
He says I'm useless but I know I'm not.

You clearly do have self-worth, which is commendable given the type of people your mother and partner appear to be. You also realise you are worth a damn sight more than he is offering. Stop letting him try to put you down. Ignore his attempts to undermine you or tell you how your own mind works. Get your exit plan sorted and move on to a better, happier life.

Original poster
Spuddington · 11/10/2017 16:38

The thing is at one point I'd have believed him. Even when DD was tiny I thought he was rubbish. But I've done all the hard parts by myself, the day to day parenting. Ok she has cracking tantrums but she's bright, funny and a joy to be around. When we're out and about people tell me she's a credit to me.

Every time I hear something like that it reminds me that he's wrong. I can do it alone and once we're out, whenever that happens, we'll survive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddington · 11/10/2017 16:38

I thought I was rubbish rather.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 16:40

"I'm being unreasonable by wanting to leave him."

You can leave him for any reason you like. Please speak to Women's Aid again.

Your mum has let you down horribly. I am so sorry because this really is a nasty betrayal.

Thanks
Maelstrop · 11/10/2017 16:42

Who does the house belong to? Both names on the deeds? Tell your do to stop fucking discussing you with him!

Littlewhistle · 11/10/2017 16:44

OP Exactly the same happened to me when XH and I split up. My mother totally backed him up and he was never away from her house. I was told that I was to blame and this continued until she thankfully died.

You have my sympathy Flowers

Original poster
Spuddington · 11/10/2017 16:47

His house, his name on everything.

OP posts:
TurquoiseShine · 11/10/2017 17:02

It doesn't matter if the house has "his name" on it. You're married so its a shared asset.

Have you not looked into this?

You need to see a solicitor.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/10/2017 17:03

No, you're married.

House = asset of the marriage.

Tough luck DH!

You divorce, you'd get at least 50%.

Probably more as you'd have to house the children.

Name on deeds isn't the whole story if you're married. In fact, your name NOT being on the deeds could even be something you cite as his unreasonable behaviour when you divorce him.

Your mum is pathetic.

HerOtherHalf · 11/10/2017 17:07

I can do it alone and once we're out, whenever that happens, we'll survive.

I'll bet money you don't just survive but you thrive. Never underestimate how damaging and debilitating it can be to have someone continually chipping away at your self-confidence.

FoxyinherRoxy · 11/10/2017 17:18

Have a look on entitledto.com and see if you can claim anything. If you can claim working tax credit phone them and request the forms ASAP.

You may well have the right to live in the family home until your youngest is 18 (at least) and you may be entitled to 70% of the property value when you eventually sell.

For now, I suggest getting your paperwork together, pensions if you have them, bank statements, and prepare a budget based on every single outgoing and income.

A good solicitor, who you feel safe with, is a good investment. Ask around. Most offer a free half hour to discuss your case.

I can tell you, you will be ok. Better even.

Good luck.

Millerr · 11/10/2017 22:29

You will do much more than survive, I'm sure you will be fine!

The number for Staffordshire women's aid helpine is 08702700123. If you like you could call this and explain the situation and they may be able to help with advice and support - it looks like they offer an outreach service and this should include practical support (legalities around housing and also advice with finances).

I agree with others regarding speaking to a solicitor about your rights to the property however sometimes this can seem daunting and your local women's aid may be able to advise in relation to this.

Headofthehive55 · 11/10/2017 22:38

I think if it's you who doesn't want the partnership, it's you who must leave.
So. Make a plan. Work towards it.

Original poster
Spuddington · 11/10/2017 23:30

I have a plan, it's just dependent on working extra hours and cutting back to save. Probably not helpful that I'm sitting in the pub right now having just finished work but still.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 11/10/2017 23:37

Definitely get some legal/practical advice. In the meantime, remember that he is a total dick, and nothing he says matters. Up to a point, be civil and compliant while you make your plans and get the necessary information: he doesn't matter. Don't be tempted to try 'getting through' to him, because it won't work - he doesn't consider you human or worthwhile. Just keep the peace while you sort it all out, then leave/tell him to leave. Good luck.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2017 13:56

I think it's rather unfair that people are saying he should leave. What happened to equality? No. You must leave if you want to change the status quo.

Teawithtoast · 12/10/2017 14:43

Interesting take HeadoftheHive55. Maybe the DH should equally do the childcare. It sounds like he just does the night shift in comparison to the OP's night working and day child care. How should the DH make the childcare more equitable?

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2017 16:03

50/50 then it's equitable.
You get whatever job fits in your situation the best.
I worked nights without childcare. It was much more lucrative than working days. So I could do less and see my kids more.