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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel patronised by the health visitor for suggesting I'm struggling?

74 replies

RogerThatOver · 10/10/2017 22:24

Ds was born 3 weeks ago and I also have four other Dc aged 2, 4, 6 and 10. My partner and I separated just after I discovered I was pregnant. He has been popping round for a few hours here and there under the guise of seeing Ds, but I suspect it's more to keep an eye on me and when he's hoping for a meal. He hasn't taken the other Dc out once since we separated and has no plans to do so.

When the HV came today she asked about my partner, was shocked when I said I lived alone with the DC and then asked if I had family helping- I don't have anyone. However, the DC are always at school and clubs on time, they're clean and well fed, always have their homework done and the house is clean and tidy. Today I was up at 6.30, made packed lunches, showered, got kids ready and to school, went food shopping, stripped and washed all bed covers, hoovered and played with the two little ones before the HV arrived at 11.45. She inferred that I must not be coping with so many young children alone and that she wants to pop back next week. AIBU to think I achieved plenty this morning considering I have a new born and to feel patronised and refuse the next visit?

OP posts:

FarmersDaughter84 · 10/10/2017 22:25

YANBU.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job! Congratulations on your newest arrival.

RideOn · 10/10/2017 22:28

Congratulations on the baby. Gently I'd say you are doing amazingly well, but it wouldn't be surprising if you weren't coping, so I'd just let her pop back and do whatever checks she needs to do.

christinarossetti · 10/10/2017 22:28

Five children, including a newborn, is a phenomenal amount of work for one person. The HV sounds sensible and caring to want to support you.

Try not to feel patronised or criticised. This would be a professional response to anyone in your situation; it honestly doesn't sound like it was an inferred criticism of you.

mistermagpie · 10/10/2017 22:28

I have no idea how you manage, I only have two and I’m a shambles, but it sounds like you are on top of things. Just ignore her and remember that you don’t have to see them - I told mine not to come back after she made some very odd comments.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2017 22:30

She isn't patronizing you. She is noticing that you have a huge amount on and is trying to be helpful. Be polite and calm- -and bear in mind that that it's early days .

But also, you are bloody amazing.

gruffalocake2 · 10/10/2017 22:31

You've done lots, maybe more than you should. Maybe HV is concerned for you and that you're not getting any down time or space to rest?
I'd probably default to presuming she's trying to be nice and helpful unless It's very clear she's not,

blackteasplease · 10/10/2017 22:32

It does sound like you are coping brilliantly.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I wouldn't take it as patronising but would accept all the help I could get. You don't have to be superwoman.

BlueSapp · 10/10/2017 22:32

I got this patronising attitude when I had baby no 6 but you know what just ignore them, you do not need to prove anything to them so say thanks I’ll keep it in mind if I ever need anything I’ll give you a call.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 10/10/2017 22:32

You sound incredible. I wouldn't cope in your shoes. You sound super efficient. The health visitor will see that, but she is just there to offer support if you need it, especially in these early days. You don't have to be perfect.

smellybeanpole · 10/10/2017 22:33

Congratulations
I have 4 dc one with sn and still manage to get things done too. But that doesn't mean if someone asks If I'm coping I should be upset or surprised. What you're doing is hard work and could possibly get on top of you without you even realising. Asking for help is no shame. Neither is a health professional asking how you're coping. TBH you're very lucky she's taking an interest. Most HV don't care.

Ktown · 10/10/2017 22:33

You sound like a super mum. I was a mess and I only had 1 kid.
Congrats

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 10/10/2017 22:35

Today 22:28 RideOn

Congratulations on the baby. Gently I'd say you are doing amazingly well, but it wouldn't be surprising if you weren't coping, so I'd just let her pop back and do whatever checks she needs to do.

i agree with this. You're obviously managing very well but I wouldn't completely rebuff HV for now. Good luck OP

Ttbb · 10/10/2017 22:36

I'm impressed. The HV is probably just concerned because a lot if people wouldn't be able to manage. She'll call down when she realises that you don't have any issues.

ILoveDolly · 10/10/2017 22:37

She is not being patronizing, she's trying to ensure you are alright. Most people would struggle a little in your situation. It's her job to check you can manage. I was very ill after my dd2 was born, couldn't walk very well, and the health visitor came every day to check up on how I was managing with the baby and child (dd1 who was 4). Bloody good she did as she picked up on a health problem of my baby I might have missed. They care about maternal wellbeing

VocalDuck · 10/10/2017 22:37

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly. I suspect the HV has a tick box she needs to compete and as soon as she hears of a single parent without nearby support, she has to suggest something. You don't need to accept her offer though if you don't want or if you aren't likely to find it helpful.

Mulch · 10/10/2017 22:40

Your doing brilliantly, you don't have to have them round and can politely refuse.

BillBrysonsBeard · 10/10/2017 22:43

You are amazing. I struggled with two little ones with a partner and I consider myself a tough lass. I would just let her round again and she will see this is just the way you are.

AtSea1979 · 10/10/2017 22:43

OP I also wouldn't assume patronising and just worried you are doing too much and not taking it easy. I'd welcome any help I could get. I'm surprised you are not grabbing it with two hands.

Binglesplodge · 10/10/2017 22:43

Please don't feel patronised. It's her job to identify mothers who are struggling and she will have seen many mums before who have deliberately pulled out all the stops for her visiting to try to mask any problems they're having.

She doesn't know that you're not doing that, but genuinely have everything under control. If one more visit reassures her then don't take it personally. She'll see you have everything under control.

And bravo to you for that. Congratulations on the new arrival.

Original poster

RogerThatOver · 10/10/2017 22:44

I definitely don't get any down time or time to rest but that isn't likely to change and I don't mind - I like being busy. I was doing everything when I was in a relationship that I'm doing now, just because I had a partner doesn't mean he was helpful! Quite the opposite, in fact.

I get that she probably has to follow up because I'm without support but I just got the impression she was looking down on me and it's frustrating.

OP posts:

liz70 · 10/10/2017 22:44

When I did my training I was advised to look out for the new mums with immaculate homes, as this could be an indication of PND. Is your house super clean and tidy? Do you think your HV could be concerned about this?

MrsApplepants · 10/10/2017 22:45

Nothing useful to add but wow I think you're incredible OP

theftbyfinding · 10/10/2017 22:45

I'd feel more patronised by an ex partner popping round to keep an eye on me and get fed!

LonginesPrime · 10/10/2017 22:46

Congratulations, OP!

I get what you're saying, but I would take it as a compliment that she's worried, as most people couldn't even imagine keeping their head above water with so much going on, let alone thrive on the whole thing the way that you seem to be doing!

I do understand that it's frustrating that you feel she's judged the situation as something it's not based on silly assumptions and absolutely no evidence, but from her perspective, she would be negligent if she learned you were a newly single mother with a newborn baby and four other children and just said 'ok then, see you!' and left you to it.

It doesn't sound like it was a judgement at all; she's just doing her job (and is probably a little in awe of you, as are the rest of us..).

Original poster

RogerThatOver · 10/10/2017 22:47

It's not super clean but it is tidy.

OP posts:

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