To feel patronised by the health visitor for suggesting I'm struggling?

[RogerThatOver]

Ds was born 3 weeks ago and I also have four other Dc aged 2, 4, 6 and 10. My partner and I separated just after I discovered I was pregnant. He has been popping round for a few hours here and there under the guise of seeing Ds, but I suspect it's more to keep an eye on me and when he's hoping for a meal. He hasn't taken the other Dc out once since we separated and has no plans to do so.

When the HV came today she asked about my partner, was shocked when I said I lived alone with the DC and then asked if I had family helping- I don't have anyone. However, the DC are always at school and clubs on time, they're clean and well fed, always have their homework done and the house is clean and tidy. Today I was up at 6.30, made packed lunches, showered, got kids ready and to school, went food shopping, stripped and washed all bed covers, hoovered and played with the two little ones before the HV arrived at 11.45. She inferred that I must not be coping with so many young children alone and that she wants to pop back next week. AIBU to think I achieved plenty this morning considering I have a new born and to feel patronised and refuse the next visit?

What was it she actually said that made you feel she inferred you were not coping?

And fwiw I once had one near on interrogate me as my house is immaculate she then looked shocked when I pointed out that as she arrived she had had the door opened by a staff member and walked past 2 hard working cleaners it’s not rocket science to add that up and know why my house is clean

Achieving and coping are not necessarily the same. I cleaned obsessively when I had dc1, doesn't mean I was coping at all.
You are doing really well but if there is any support on offer (or even a chat with HV and some sympathy for how tired you are) please take it.

I know Health Visitors and they won't be looking down on you, she was just doing her job. She wouldn't be good at her job if she left a single mum with 5 children, one of which a 3 week old, to just get on with it! YABU.

People are saying ‘she’s just doing her job’, but what is her job? Is she like a visiting pediatrician or well-baby nurse?

I’ve lived in the U.S. most of my adult life and we don’t have health visitors here. What would she do if she suspected a mother wasn’t coping?

I have an 11 and a 12 year old and you sound more on top of things than me. She is one of those 'needs to feel needed' types, ring and cancel the visit, you do not need her. She needs to fill her need to needed elsewhere.

You are actually Superwoman!

Charolais,

A quick overview of what a UK Health Visitor does:
www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/public-health/health-visitor

OP,

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

Stop feeding your ex and tell him not to bother to come round if he can't offer practical or financial support!!! Tell your health visitor that some people can just cope with whatever life throws at them but accept any help and any useful suggestions, if any, she can make and tell her to make herself useful too while she's there and not just sit and waste your time chatting about how you can't cope!!!!

Christ, I have one 11 month old and barely get that much done in a week, let alone a morning!

I would try not to take the HV wanting to come back personally, she is probably worried you will burn yourself out doing so much and having no help or time to yourself since I imagine a lot of us would be struggling in a similar situation.

Congratulations on your new baby and I hope you are finding time for new born snuggles amongst everything else! (I miss new born snuggles)!

Your HV probably couldn't believe you can do so much so well. I'm guessing she was definitely awestruck, not patronising.

You are one amazing lady

It sounds like you now have 5 kids instead of 6, and losing the 6th will have lightened your load a little if he never helped. It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job but take the offer of a check in from the health visitor. It only takes something like a couple of your kids (or you!) getting a heavy cold to throw things into disarray so it’s nice to know there is someone else keeping an eye out for you.

She's just making sure everything is OK, that's her job. She sounds better than my shit HV.

I would not take this as a criticism but would be relieved that I had a HV who cared enough. She is looking out for you and your children and cannot know how well you are coping by meeting you on one first planned visit.

Also there is nothing wrong in making a connection with someone who may be of use to you later down the line and she may come next week and never be seen again.

Tell your ex to stay away if he is of no use to you.

My hv always express concern as dh works away - everybody needs a little support so I understand why they are concerned. They were right to be with ds3. I was super mum to outside world and I didn't realise I had pnd

You sound like you are coping really well OP. From a statistical POV you are probably classed as high risk of having PND (single parent, lots of balls to keep in the air) so she is probably just concerned about your welfare. I had 3 DC under 4 and was told several times by HCP's that statistically I should be depressed. At one point the HV tried to elicit a depression confession out of me and reassured me that it was OK to admit it, and that she was on AD's

Meant to add that she is probably genuinely concerned rather than patronizing you.

zzzz it was said in a jokey-but-serious way. One of mine had SN and we were in hospital quite a bit and I think it was their way of asking me if I was ok.

She's not patronising you she's recognising what you're doing is a herculean feat and she wants to support you! Take the help.
I had a trainee nursery nurse two days per week when I had twins it was brilliant, on placement from local college, you could call them and offer a placement

@MuddlingThrough1724 how patronising to tell the op to make time for 'new born snuggles'. FFS.