To feel patronised by the health visitor for suggesting I'm struggling?

[RogerThatOver]

Ds was born 3 weeks ago and I also have four other Dc aged 2, 4, 6 and 10. My partner and I separated just after I discovered I was pregnant. He has been popping round for a few hours here and there under the guise of seeing Ds, but I suspect it's more to keep an eye on me and when he's hoping for a meal. He hasn't taken the other Dc out once since we separated and has no plans to do so.

When the HV came today she asked about my partner, was shocked when I said I lived alone with the DC and then asked if I had family helping- I don't have anyone. However, the DC are always at school and clubs on time, they're clean and well fed, always have their homework done and the house is clean and tidy. Today I was up at 6.30, made packed lunches, showered, got kids ready and to school, went food shopping, stripped and washed all bed covers, hoovered and played with the two little ones before the HV arrived at 11.45. She inferred that I must not be coping with so many young children alone and that she wants to pop back next week. AIBU to think I achieved plenty this morning considering I have a new born and to feel patronised and refuse the next visit?

I had exactly the same after my dc4 was born. Very strange - it took me a while to figure out why she was so interested in me & I actually laughed at her when she explained (earnestly) that she wanted to make sure I was coping 'with such a large family'. I happened to chat to another - much older & experienced - HV at clinic a few weeks later who said she assumed experienced mothers were capable unless they asked for help.

Anyway I just told the original health visitor that I was fine & I'd go down to clinic if I needed anything.

My mum is a HV pretty much everything they do is from the basis of avoiding of getting mentioned in a SCR if anything something dreadful happens. There's very little evidence that it makes any difference to outcomes either (they use studies from the US where the alternative is no intervention at all).

you are not allowed to say that you found the 'newborn years' anything other than a nightmarish ordeal of misery & filth.

If I knew someone had 5 children with 3 under 5 inc a newborn, I would assume that they are struggling. And that's not a reflection of your ability to parent or anything like that, it's a reflection that you must have a very very busy life. I'm a single parent to a 2 year old and I struggle! I'm 'productive' yes but it is really hard.

I don't think this sounds like patronising from your HV, more that she's recognised your situation is stressful and is offering you some further support. Sometimes simply having someone to talk to can make a significant difference as you can sort of empty out your head to make room for the onslaught you have to deal with.
That doesn't mean you're not coping. It means you're human and that a health professional has recognised your vulnerabilities as well as your strength.

You do sound like you have a huge amount on your plate, and I think most new mums would struggle atleast a bit in your shoes.

When my DC2 was born (luckily in summer holidays) most days we wouldn't even manage to all be dressed and ready until after 11 and the baby was near constant latched onto my boob so I felt very overwhelmed and tearful.

You sound superhuman but please do allow yourself some rest, if your DCs are sleeping/playing and you have 5 minutes let the housework wait and just sit down with a coffee!

lots of things are hard work. When I worked outside the home it was hard work but no one assumed I was struggling simply because the hours were long & the level of responsibility was high.

(it was actually far more stressful - and difficult - than being a SAHM to four dc, three under five, one a newborn & one disabled)

People are saying ‘she’s just doing her job’, but what is her job? Is she like a visiting pediatrician or well-baby nurse

It appears to be a advice service whose main role is low level safeguarding these days

It's not patronising, she's just keeping an eye out as a safety net in case you did want any more help or support.

You sound like you're not that heartbroken at the break up of your marriage - not everybody would feel that way, some would be devastated. it sounds like your husband wasn't much support before, again this isn't the case for many or even most. And, a lot of people who are single with many children have a sister or mother nearby which you don't.

Seems like you're expecting your HV to know all about you and understand it but you don't want to spend more time with her to tell her these things and let her get to know you.

"please do allow yourself some rest, if your DCs are sleeping/playing and you have 5 minutes let the housework wait and just sit down with a coffee!"

You see I would just assume that someone who had had a number of children would be capable of deciding for themselves when they needed to have a rest - unless the told me otherwise. That's why the attitude is patronising.

You're doing a great job! Don't be offended she's just acknowledging that it's not easy...dont be worried to say if things are hard, any help is only that. Don't fear judgement her job is to offer support.

I've heard worse stories of them being patronising.

My DB and SIL had one come round and turned the telly off because the Jeremy Kyle show was on, not suitable for a two day old baby DB told her they had to watch it because our granny was on today's episode.

Mine comes out weekly due to DS's oxygen, she's not that bad but she does go on like DH is a saint for changing nappies, holding baby etc

You sound like your doing amazing I struggle with three.

She's probably just gobsmacked that you have so much on your plate. and can't imagine how you are coping (pretty much how I feel).
I can understand you feeling patronised but I think most women would struggle with 5 children and no support, so she may just want to keep an eye on you.
Well done, though, I'm in awe.

Was your granny really on Jeremy Kyle?

Unbornmortificado
Interestingly (or not, I suppose) given what we know about infant brain development and the negative effects of exposure to verbal aggression it is probably ill advised to watch Jeremy Lyle with a small baby in the room

I'd say you sound like you're doing amazingly well. You accomplished more than I did in a morning and I only have one baby. I can understand why you feel patronised, but in all honesty I think the HV is just doing her job and trying to show support for you in a situation which would inevitably be hard work for anyone.

I don't think she was looking down on you but looking out for you coping doesn't just mean the physical but the emotional too the HV is just doing her job really.

I have 5 children. Unfortunately, I think lots of people have negative attitudes to big families, for lots of different reasons. Some of them are valid. It's not for everyone! I think people expect it to be chaotic and hectic.

I used to find it quite upsetting when people would say things like, 'how do you manage?', I'd be pulling my hair out!', 'Are you mad?'. All in earshot of my children! If only they knew that I would be looking at their dc climbing over benches or interrupting or whining and think, well yes, if my 5 behaved like your 2 then I probably would be struggling, but mine are well behaved and quite nice to be around actually!

Even the people saying wow, I could never do that! You must be extraordinary etc, are not really understanding that not everyone finds looking after children hard work. Some dc are obviously easier to look after than others too.

I think the HV has a duty to make sure you are ok. It sounds like you are doing great, but she can't know that from one short visit. You can always decline the visit if you want. I think you tick lots of boxes for being vulnerable to struggling emotionally and physically, so she would be wrong to not offer more support.

I think she would offer the same comments ifyou just had a newborn and recently split from the other parent tbh.

I rarely hear positive stories of health visitors giving a hoot, and certainly haven't experienced it myself (in fact we had a ridiculous, rude lady over a year or so ago when youngest was a couple of weeks old and haven't heard or seen from anyone since despite actually really struggling). If you don't need her then that's cool, but maybe don't hold it against her for trying to be helpful.

Dr I actually agree it's not something I'd put on personally but I wouldn't turn someone else's telly off.

No my granny is lovely and has never been on JK.

Lol. No. I don't think I'd actually turn someone else's tv off either Unborn M