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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU,to ruin everyone's life ,when I'm the only one not happy?

60 replies

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 18:55

25 yrs marriage.kids of all ages,some with sn.not worked in 20 yrs.rediculous degree 25 yrs ago ...no skills,nothing I'm good at. Own half a house...if I make him sell and give me half ,they loose their home,some are doing exams this yr,exams next yr for others ..I couldn't work and look after the ones with sn.so the only way is to leave the kids with him and walk away with nothing....he says if I do that he will have to pack his job in to care for kids with sn,who are not in full time school.then the bills don't get paid...we could separate and take 2 kids each.,split the family up...could I really do that? Is that fair?half a house and 2 kids I could probably manage to support alone ...I've no family,nothing ,just my kids.he has a big family..he dosnt want this,he's happy as things are,kids are happy.....I feel trapped,like a bird in a cage..he's not a bad man,he's a good kind father..he's got a reason why we can't split up for every idea I come up with....I suppose I'm scared too.ive never lived alone.ive no savings,no money of my own.and I couldn't live here,would have to move somewhere cheaper..what right have I got to move them away from their friends ,when they've been here their whole life,and they clearly don't want to go..what right have I got to disrupt everyone's life because I'm not happy...I mean who the fuck am I ,the queen?..I'm one person out of 6. And I'm as miserable as sin.

OP posts:

WombOfOnesOwn · 10/10/2017 19:35

What's making you unhappy? It's important to know whether what's happening is truly related to your situation at home, or whether there could be underlying neurological or psychological issues. If it's the latter, exploding your home life won't be any help, and there's other help that would be more valuable to you.

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:40

Ok...that was an unexpected reply...I'm assuming it's my husband making me unhappy,as I want a divorce..but he's a really lovely dad..

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2017 19:42

And I'm as miserable as sin.

So explore why. See a counsellor if necessary. Or your GP.

Do you want to work? Get out more? Do you have friends, a life outside the home? Wider family? Do you have help or do you do it all?

There must be specifics that are making you unhappy. If they're practical ones that can be remedied, start with those.

tangerino · 10/10/2017 19:43

You sound really unhappy, so I feel for you.

I’d spend some time thinking about what it is that is making you sad. Is it really your marriage, or could it be other things (feeling hopeless, heavy caring responsibities, no hobbies, no other outlets). The ideas you’ve posted- leaving your children or splitting them up- don’t seem very likely to make you happier. I’d also consider whether you might be a bit depressed. You talk about leaving your husband as the thing that might make you happier but your post suggests that it’s everything else that’s making you unhappy. Is your husband stopping you pursuing other interests?

Have you thought about whether it might be possible to develop some more skills- eg adult education at a local college? I wonder whether this + getting out of the house more, having something of your own to do which isn’t looking after other people, might help.

Have you considered any counselling?

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:43

Now I'm confused ,that's another reply I didn't expect...

OP posts:

Gazelda · 10/10/2017 19:43

Have you talked this over with anyone other than your H?

Gazelda · 10/10/2017 19:45

What sort of reply did you expect? What sort of reply did you want?
Were you hoping we’d all say “you must stay and be grateful “ or “leave, you deserve happiness”?

Impostress99 · 10/10/2017 19:46

What do you mean about replies you didn't expect ?

Liadain · 10/10/2017 19:46

I don't know what kind of reply you expected OP. This isn't a typical aibu - you do need to explore the feelings and decide what you want in life. I know you talked of feeling trapped but I'm not clear on what you want or what you see as being a good pathway for you from this.

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:46

I don't know now...I've assumed my unhappiness was down to being married,I want a divorce,..I suppose I've still got to do everything even if I'm divorced

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:47

How can you tell if it's depression or unhappiness

OP posts:

Laiste · 10/10/2017 19:49

How do you picture happiness? What does it look like for you?

Ttbb · 10/10/2017 19:50

YABU. You are not suddenly going to be happy just because you have left. You had all those kids so you need to follow through and address the reasons why you are unhappy instead of just running away.

limon · 10/10/2017 19:50

You sound like you dont really know what's making you unhappy. I second getting some support and counselling before making any big decisions.

Dextersilver · 10/10/2017 19:51

How old is SN child? Can they get outside help? School, health visitor, social worker, over night stays somewhere?

What is it that is really making you unhappy?

Do you need time to yourself?
Do you love your husband?
What aspects of your life do you enjoy?
Can you seek counselling for feeling miserable?
Have you got friends you can talk to?
Have you spoken to your husband about how unhappy you are?

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:52

Happiness,I suppose ,roof over yr head,food in the cupboard,warmth,safe,..I don't know basic needs met....when you look in the news at what other people go through,..you have to be greatful

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2017 19:52

You need therapy desperately. Don't make any huge decisions until you have taken the time to really figure out what it is or why it is that is making you unhappy. Truthfully, you sound very confused and unsure of yourself.

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:54

Tabby,yes that's what I wanted to hear,..I have to put them first,I have been doing ,I'm still here doing everything but it's so hard I want to run away,

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2017 19:54

Have you considered the possibility that you're unhappy with yourself? And are projecting that sense of lack of fulfillment onto your marriage?

DaisyRaine90 · 10/10/2017 19:54

Are you unhappy with your marriage? Or with your situation? Maybe is you were working or studying you would feel less trapped and like it was your choice to stay not beyond your control? Maybe get some counselling, too. You don’t want to make a drastic decision without really discussing the repercussions. Could you be depressed? It might seem like you want to leave, but really your just restless and need something that’s just for you. Otherwise, consider what is best for your children but also your own happiness. Maybe you could wait until their exams are over or just move into a studio down the road? There are normally less drastic options than splitting kids down the middle 😂

Original poster

Flyawaybirdie · 10/10/2017 19:54

Ttbb not tabby

OP posts:

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 19:55

If you don't even know if your marriage is a problem, why would you talk about ending it?

ginnybag · 10/10/2017 19:56

Were you thinking we would all tell you that you're horrid for even considering it? Or that we'd all just say, 'yes, go! It'll be fine'?

I think neither is the right 1st step. I think you need to look at why you're unhappy, and the 1st thing jumping out at me is that you don't seem to ever had chance to be you.

You say you've never really worked, mostly looked after the kids, but you've got a degree. Can I ask, do you have any hobbies? When was the last time you had a conversation that really fired up your brain?

You feel trapped, and you think it's your marriage. I think you should look first at whether you're just bored and frustrated at never being allowed to use your skills and your intelligence.

redsquirrel2 · 10/10/2017 19:56

Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to OP? You should also go and see your GP - they should be able to tell you whether its unhappiness or depression. My guess is depression tbh. You've got a lot on your plate - 4 kids, 2 with sn, no job, possibly feeling like you've wasted your opportunities after your degree? I don't think it's your marriage making you feel like this. I'm sorry to hear of your situation, I hope you can get the help you need. I don't think that something as drastic as divorce is the answer. You possibly do need a break though.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 10/10/2017 19:57

Have you considered counselling? It sounds like you really need to do some serious talking and thinking through what's actually at the bottom of your unhappiness.

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