AIBU,to ruin everyone's life ,when I'm the only one not happy?

[Flyawaybirdie]

25 yrs marriage.kids of all ages,some with sn.not worked in 20 yrs.rediculous degree 25 yrs ago ...no skills,nothing I'm good at. Own half a house...if I make him sell and give me half ,they loose their home,some are doing exams this yr,exams next yr for others ..I couldn't work and look after the ones with sn.so the only way is to leave the kids with him and walk away with nothing....he says if I do that he will have to pack his job in to care for kids with sn,who are not in full time school.then the bills don't get paid...we could separate and take 2 kids each.,split the family up...could I really do that? Is that fair?half a house and 2 kids I could probably manage to support alone ...I've no family,nothing ,just my kids.he has a big family..he dosnt want this,he's happy as things are,kids are happy.....I feel trapped,like a bird in a cage..he's not a bad man,he's a good kind father..he's got a reason why we can't split up for every idea I come up with....I suppose I'm scared too.ive never lived alone.ive no savings,no money of my own.and I couldn't live here,would have to move somewhere cheaper..what right have I got to move them away from their friends ,when they've been here their whole life,and they clearly don't want to go..what right have I got to disrupt everyone's life because I'm not happy...I mean who the fuck am I ,the queen?..I'm one person out of 6. And I'm as miserable as sin.

You feel trapped why? Is everything down to you. Does the day to day grind mean you can't work or volunteer

I think you need to be clear what would really make you happy. The grass is always greener and all that.
You just seem exhausted and overwhelmed with responsibilities and not much fun or and real sense of achievement. Leaving might not be the best way to address that.
Draw a list of things that would make you feel good - big and small.
Then look at how you can start making some of those things a reality.
What sort of SEN? Why are they not being provided with full time schooling?
Could respite be arranged? Either through local authority, health visitor or school? Could you afford to pay for respite for a few hours to let you do something nice for yourself? Is there any family who could help?
Sounds like you might want to use your brain again. What about a book club or learning something new (maybe a short course to start - cake decoration, jewellery making, calligraphy, French) or a physical activity such as Zumba or yoga.
Do you have family holidays or anything else to look forward to? Maybe you should consider planning something.
Do consider depression and maybe speak with your GP too.

Don't walk away unless you're 100% sure it's your husband you're unhappy with.

You have a lot on your plate and nothing for you. I think you need something for you.

It sounds like life is a bit relentless for you and I'm assuming you're the main carer for the DC with special needs? What support do you have, and how do you look after yourself? What would be different if you got a divorce - sometimes it looks like the relationship is the problem but it's not really and sometimes the relationship is exactly what's wrong

If your DH doesn't want a divorce, what is he prepared to change that would help you feel happier. Does he pull his weight around the house, make sure you have time for yourself, support the kids etc? Do you love him, find him attractive, want someone else? What do you need to be different? It may be that you do need to leave, but it might be that you're so stuck in the relentlessness of it all that you can't see a way out.

Try to find some time and space for yourself, think about what better would feel like and go from there.

Yeah..I'm very confused,I can't think straight..im never alone, I need to be alone quite a lot ,and that's not possible

You need to address some changes in your life so that you can be happy, that much is clear.

But leaving your marriage sounds like the nuclear option if you haven't tried to address the root causes of your unhappiness.

Have you ever been to the GP and asked for counselling?

Is there any help you can access via your DC who have SN? Charities who offer help and advice etc.

Could you afford to change things so you had some time to yourself - one evening a week, minimum?

No there's no one else,I never want to be in a relationship again...if I finish this one I will be alone forever.honestly,I'm probably the problem.i would just rather be alone..perhaps when they leave home ..I wasn't meant to be married ,some people just arnt marriage material,I'm just not...I'm overwhelmed,fed up,and I'd rather be alone..

Can your husband facilitate you having alone time

I've been to the gp.ive said all this,he gave me strong stuff that zonked me out,and referred me for counselling,

Why can't you have alone time now? What is it that's stopping you? If we can figure that out then we can figure out how to change it/get help.

Yes he does give me alone time,as I said he's a great dad,the children couldn't wish for a better dad...

You must be feeling awful OP, do you think you could be depressed? Do you feel like this all the time? Could it be connected to your cycle? The start of the change etc. It may be worth keeping a diary of times when you feel low, to see if there’s a pattern? Perhaps a trip to see your GP or even try taking a multi vitamin and evening primrose oil and see if it helps. I totally understand the feeling of losing “you” when you are so busy being a wife, and mum. I wouldn’t agree that you have no skills, but I know it can be hard to see when you are feeling low. Please don’t throw your marriage away. There is help and support out there. Wishing you all the very best and I hope you will be feeling much happier soon.

do you do something for yourself? a hobby once a week that is just for you? looking after everyone else, esp if you have dc with sn can mean you lose yourself.

sounds to me like you've gone for so long without anyone looking after you that you're desperately unhappy.

You sound overwhelmed. Is there anyway you can have some regular time to yourself? Just half an hour a day to do something that you enjoy?
You sound like me

If you want to leave, then you need to start planning your exit.

Go to the Citizens Advice bureau and/or speak to a lawyer to find out what you are entitled to. There's online benefit calculators to see what benefits you can get. Find out what money there is in the bank.

If the only person you have spoken to is your husband, then get some proper advice. Unlesß your husband is a divorce lawyer, he's probably guessing what you are entitled to or twisting the facts to suit him.

Witch exams in a year, may not be the best time to split, but maybe secretly plan for after the exams. You may find you feel better if the end is in sight.

How do you know if the children are happy. There's a family we know where the husband walked out. They'd been together for twenty years, always supportive of each other, a nice family unit. After he had gone, turns out this lovely dad was fairly critical at times.

Take control of the situation, and making your life better. Maybe you do need antidepressants, but if so, go and get the help you need. Take care of yourself, and the whole family will benefit, either in the existing family unit, or the brave new world.

How old is the youngest child?
If you look at life in 10 years time, will you still have to be there for one/some of the dcs with SN? (Aka will they need you there as adults or will they be able to live some sort of independant life?)

From your post I suspect your issue is more about your life and it's balance rather than with your DH.
YY to counselling but maybe also counselling WITH your DH.

I'm getting the feeling that yur DH goes to work, he has a break form the daily grind of looking after children with SN. You don't have any break at all.
So you are looking after everyone but no one is looking after you (not even yourself).

I suspact you need to sort out what it is that isn't working. It might be that you can solve the issue. It might be that you can't but you can find an arrangement until the dcs have left home and you are not as needed.

I posted in AIBU because I didn't want kindness or nice responses,I wanted pull yrself together,your lucky ,be greatful your not living in a war zone,be glad you have a dh who cares for his kids...I just need bloody good slap round the face ...I'm depressed,I'm not taking my tablets the gp gave me,they me feel spaced out ....tho I just can't shake the feeling I want a divorce,probably from all of it ,not just dh

Oh it sounds very tough OP, but so far you haven't actually talked much about your marriage. What will you gain by leaving that you can't have now? What about your marriage is making you unhappy?

I think it's worth it to get some alone time, get some proper counselling, and explore what you want to change. Those changes may be compatible with staying in your marriage or may not. But based on what you've said here it doesn't sound like the marriage is the problem per se, but more the feeling of being run down, tapped out, having no respite from caring duties etc.

Lewis,yes one won't leave home,one should do,but one of them ,no the one that's not been in school in 8 yrs won't leave home

Also you seem to be struggling with feeling "entitled" to your feelings. You know they are valid right?

Yes there are people in war zones and people who'd give anything to have 4 kids and a husband and so on. Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that you feel how you feel.

What would be ridiculous is if you turned up and said I feel like a refugee mother from Syria because I had xyz happen to me today. But you're not saying that. It's okay to feel whatever frustration you are feeling even though there are people going through much worse in the world. And people having it all much easier too.

It definitely sounds like you are depressed. Can you go back to your Gp to give counselling another go and adjust your medication?

You're not taking your ADs? Get back to the doctors, tell them, discuss your options- there may be other ADs that would work better or it may be a case of riding out the weird feeling until they are working properly, but your GP needs to know.

I would not make any big decisions about your future with (untreated) depression. Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of counselling?

Ah notbtaking your tablets. You need to,go back and ask for different ones - sooner rather than later. Tomorrow in fact.
Doesn't mean you don't need to start building a wish list but get your depression under control first.

you do sound unhappy but as others have said you need to get to the bottom of why.

You said the Dr referred you for counselling, when will you get this? Please don't do anything until you've had some sessions.

In the long term you can have a future. There must be ways around you feeling more incontrol. Could you do something for yourself? Study at home/ night classes, a hobby?

X posted. Yes please get back to the dr and talk to them about your medication. Have you stopped taking it recently? It can make you feel absolutely dreadful if you stop suddenly.

Zap,so many people have it tougher than me,I've a roof over my head I've food and warmth,I'm not forced out of my home by bombs,this makes me feel worse,this being nice ,I've not got it tough compared to people fleeing their homes..I need to be greatful for what I have,