AIBU,to ruin everyone's life ,when I'm the only one not happy?

[Flyawaybirdie]

25 yrs marriage.kids of all ages,some with sn.not worked in 20 yrs.rediculous degree 25 yrs ago ...no skills,nothing I'm good at. Own half a house...if I make him sell and give me half ,they loose their home,some are doing exams this yr,exams next yr for others ..I couldn't work and look after the ones with sn.so the only way is to leave the kids with him and walk away with nothing....he says if I do that he will have to pack his job in to care for kids with sn,who are not in full time school.then the bills don't get paid...we could separate and take 2 kids each.,split the family up...could I really do that? Is that fair?half a house and 2 kids I could probably manage to support alone ...I've no family,nothing ,just my kids.he has a big family..he dosnt want this,he's happy as things are,kids are happy.....I feel trapped,like a bird in a cage..he's not a bad man,he's a good kind father..he's got a reason why we can't split up for every idea I come up with....I suppose I'm scared too.ive never lived alone.ive no savings,no money of my own.and I couldn't live here,would have to move somewhere cheaper..what right have I got to move them away from their friends ,when they've been here their whole life,and they clearly don't want to go..what right have I got to disrupt everyone's life because I'm not happy...I mean who the fuck am I ,the queen?..I'm one person out of 6. And I'm as miserable as sin.

That's true - but not helpful. There are also so many others whose lives are far easier than ours. (I'm thinking of Ivanka Trump).

Counting your blessings is useful if you're needlessly moaning. It doesn't sound like you are. You have some clear challenges alongside the good stuff, and need to find ways to give yourself some self-care too, and re-energise yourself. It honestly sounds like you're in the throes of depression from my limited experience, so please do go back and see your GP asap.

There has been plenty of studies done on carers like yourself, looking after children with SN.
We know that the level of stress people like yourself are under are unbelievable.
You might think you don't have it as bad as others (like war etc...) but research will tell you another story (think very high level of stress hormone etc...)

Your life IS hard and you need to start by recognising that it is instead of willling yourself to believe you have an easy life. You don't.
Once you have accepted you are living under difficult condition, then and only then will you be able to put things in place to support you.

You cannot give from an empty cup. You have been giving an driving. You are still giving but your cup has been empty for a long while. This why you want to flee. Some sort of self preservation system kicking in.

Support for yourself can be medication - please go back to see your GP!! And explain that the medication he gave you isn't appropriate.
It can be counselling - having someone holding the space for you, listening wo judging so you van process what is going in better
It can be having more time for yourself, reviewing working patterns (e.g. Both yourself and your DH work part time so you can both have a break and be yourself at some point in the week. Or you working at weekends etc...)

But you are not going to hear that you just need to pull yourself together and get in with it from me.
You seem to have done that for years already and clearly it isn't working for you. And the most crazy thing to do is to carry on doing the same thing expecting a different result....

it looks like you have tough home life, whether you DH makes it worse or he is not helping that's in a way separate matter.

You have 4 kids, one who is is unable to leave due to his/hers MH.
I guess the younges one is still at school.

The other 2 - are they working and contributing towards their upkeep? If not give them 3 months notice to move out. Or it looks like you may be having nervous breakdown soon.

I think if there was 2 kids instead of 4 you will feel differently and there will be more headspace for you.

Is that at all possible?

You don't have to compare yourself to other people, OP. There will always be people whose lives look harder or easier than yours, but the only one you can do anything about it yours.

Here's my advice, fwiw:

1. Go and see the GP again. It sounds like the medication he gave you caused side effects that weren't great for you. But there are plenty of different anti-depressants and finding the right one is life-changing.
2. Take the counselling he offered. Use it as a time to tell someone else how you feel, all the things you've said here. Try to work out where the problems really are - with you, with your husband, with the whole family life.
3. Talk to other people who know you well. Talk to your husband too, when you are ready for that.
4. Work out how to arrange some alone time for you in your weekly schedule. A regular couple of hours will help much more than sporadic times here and there. If you can also manage twenty minutes every day alone at home - in the bath? - that would be brilliant.
5. You are allowed to matter. Your feelings are as important as everyone else's. See if you can find something to do which will remind you of this - a hobby? time with a friend? whatever works for you.

Don't rush to think that a divorce will solve everything, but also don't assume that things have to stay the way they are right now.

You need an outlet to get away from day to day family life . You sound depressed and certainly not in a place to make such a huge decision. Consider a course or some exercise and I'm sure your confidence will grow.

I left because I was unhappy. Totally blew my family to bits.

I was depressed and when I left I had a breakdown because the issues that were making me unhappy were nothing to do with him or the kids. I had very severe PND but I didnt realise it at the time. The issue wasnt so much splitting up, looking back I think that was going to happen anyway a some point, but HOW I did it. I was so destructive and I could have handled it (and coped) so much better if I had been treated for my depression and then dealt with the marital issues.

By the time I realised and was recovered, it was too late. Please dont do what I did. Look into yourself first, I didnt and I cant tell you how much I regret that now, I would give anything to have that time again and do it differently.

Do you still have a health visitor? They can refer for councilling far quicker than a GP xx

I wonder how high you have set the bar for 'lovely' when it comes to your H. Does he treat you with respect? Does he do his share of domestic work and childcare (the way to work out whether he is doing his share is: do both you and he have the same amount of leisure time?)

I wonder if this is one of those set ups where everyone else is happy because you are doing all the work of holding the family together. It's not that uncommon for the man and the children to be perfectly content because the woman in the house is basically doing all the work, and there is this kind of mutual agreement that her happiness doesn't matter: she's just a domestic appliance.

Are your DC capable of doing some of the domestic work? Can they wash up, run a hoover round? It sounds as though you very much need some time to yourself to take up a hobby or even just sit in a coffee shop with a good book now and again.

You sound sad OP. You also sound very grateful for what you have (roof, food, no war zone, fantastic dad). But you are not happy and everyone deserves that too

As others said councilling and maybe some time away from day to day such as hobby or job. It must be overwhelming being there for kids all the time. Back to GP, good luck. Try not to be hard on yourself.

OP, if you are confused, you can't make a decision as life changing as a divorce. I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, I was so stressed, over-whelmed, not sure what was up and down. I got a cleaner, started exercising and this spring I saw a counsellor for a few months. My head is so much clearer now, and I trust myself. I still want a divorce, but I know that it is a rational decision now. There is no drama, and no one is making rash decisions.