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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu friends parenting

51 replies

Smarshian · 09/10/2017 09:05

V close friend of mine really bothers me in the way she parents. Should I say anything?
Examples:
Called ds (3.5) an arsehole for throwing a fruit shoot.
Let ds (2) walk around without a nappy on (took it off without replacing) He pooed and wee on floor in house, she told him he was gross in quite an aggressive manner.
Ds (3.5) wanted to go to the toilet but she couldn't be bothered to take him so made him wee into a nappy.
Feeds them both endless crap (chips crisps chocolate etc etc)

Non of this really bothered me before having my own dd as I guess I didn't pay as much attention to how she was with the kids but it's starting to make me v uncomfortable around her/them.

OP posts:
WhooshYeah · 09/10/2017 10:02

Wow she is a shit parent!
I’m not sure I would say anything to her though. I would probably just distance myself from her.
Or if you think it might be worse behind closed doors call SS

rollerbladersrule · 09/10/2017 10:07

I probably wouldn't say anything as if she is doing these things openly infront of you anyway I cant see that helping.

I would have to distance myself though and either report to SS or her HV, making a nearly school aged child wee in a nappy because you can't be bothered is pretty shocking and sad for the children.

Lottapianos · 09/10/2017 10:07

That's really awful OP. I'm not surprised you're concerned. You will get plenty of posters on here telling you that you mustn't judge and its none of your business etc. but I think any reasonable person would find your friend's treatment of her children pretty shocking. Some people think that parents must be forgiven almost anything and seem to lose sight of the child's experience in these situations.

As for what you do about it, that's a tricky one. Does she ever talk to you about struggling, feeling overwhelmed or fed up?

emmyrose2000 · 10/10/2017 01:33

If she's like this in front of other people, I dread to think what she's like in private. There's no excuse for calling your child (especially a toddler/young child) an arsehole.

I'd have to say something, and would be quite prepared to lose the friendship over it. She sounds awful.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2017 01:38

Agree wit Emmy, I'd challenge it.

If she's verbally aggressive, say her name in a shocked tone. When she asks what, tell her you understand its frustrating when they play up, but you don't think its for to call him names.

If she chastises baby for accidenting on the floor, say "well you left him without a nappy!"
If she tells big one to pee in a nappy, point out she's teaching him bad habits or offer to tale him as it can't be nice for him to do that.

Maybe the exact wording isn't right, but that kind of challenge whenever you see something might work better than a big chat.

just5morepeas · 10/10/2017 02:24

If it seems like she might be this way because of depression then I'd encourage her to seek help.

If it's just that this is the way she is I'd distance myself from the friendship. If you feel like you can say something then do so, but I'm not sure she'll listen. Be prepared for it to end the friendship.

And if it seemed like the kids were suffering actual abuse I'd have tell social services.

FenceSitter01 · 10/10/2017 06:53

Should I say anything?

I'd like to hear exactly what you'd say and how you'd say it TBH. These threads always exist to have a snide dig at someone else parenting skills.

I always want to be a fly on the wall with the conversation about food. "Shazeen, Shazeen, enough with the crap crisps and chocolate, have you tried Waitrose rolled on a virgins thigh vine leaves stuffed with vegan hummus, my Tarquin adores them as finger foods, although we're trying to get him to differentiate between his cutlery place setting before he's 12 months" Grin Lets us know how you get on critiquing her food choices .

Called ds (3.5) an arsehole for throwing a fruit shoot.

Scenario 1:
DS! DS! no, no don't throw it...."sigh" don't be an arse hole

Scenario 2:
DS! DS! no, no don't throw it.... you effing little arsehole, what dod you do that for? I told you not to, rant , rant , rant

See, two totally different situations.

But in seriousness, you friend sounds a bit overwhelmed, small children and potty training. It's enough to suck the life blood out of anyone.

FenceSitter01 · 10/10/2017 06:57

And projecting a little bit, isolation with small children, and the fact someone came to visit to break up the monotony of the day, You could have said "You sit down and enjoy the break, I'll take Little Jimmy to the loo" but it's so much more fun to watch someone not cope isn't it? Gives you something to whisper about behind closed doors.

Original poster
Smarshian · 10/10/2017 07:07

E at no point have I said she's not coping? Ds is not being potty trained. She just couldn't be bothered to put a nappy on him. She has a partner, a job and a lovely house and they are currently planning their third child so I think you have envisioned her life completely differently to reality.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 10/10/2017 07:10

"These threads always exist to have a snide dig at someone else parenting skills."

But this isn't parenting Hmm

FenceSitter01 · 10/10/2017 07:28

She has a partner, a job and a lovely house and they are currently planning their third child

You could cure all the worlds ills. Fancy that, a nice house and job make people cope better.

Even I can read between the lines in her world, and it's not a nice place to be, juggling all those balls at once; work, home, children that young.

So the bare back sided 2yo isn't being potty trained - surely a 2y o not being potty trained gives you more scope to criticise her?

Anyway I'm sure she'll be delighted with your revised menu choices - I'd love to see them first though Grin

Original poster
Smarshian · 10/10/2017 07:35

If she felt she couldn't cope I'm sure she wouldn't be trying for another child.
I have no issue with her not potty training her ds. I worry about the state she lets him get in.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 10/10/2017 07:36

See, two totally different situations.

Neither of which are ok.

Even I can read between the lines in her world, and it's not a nice place to be, juggling all those balls at once; work, home, children that young.

Plenty of us do it and manage not to verbally abuse our children.

You could have said "You sit down and enjoy the break, I'll take Little Jimmy to the loo" but it's so much more fun to watch someone not cope isn't it?

OP has her own kid. Why are we assuming she doesn’t need a break as much as the friend? Confused

Original poster
Smarshian · 10/10/2017 07:38

Also her menu choices aren't really the issue but they are then followed by crisps, chocolate, Jaffa cakes, hobnobs, poppadoms, chips

OP posts:
Locotion · 10/10/2017 07:42

I think FenceSitter is being deliberately inflaffatory and contrary.

It must be really difficult to watch that. I dont think any friend would react well to any criticism or perceived about their parenting. Can you show how she Should speak to her children? So, for example, 'oh dear, oopsie little accident, lets get a napppy on you'. Or perhaps (unobviously!) mention a parent you saw who was swearing at her kid in the street and how bad you felt for them? And how you think it will damage them? Raised cortisol levels etc? Whatever you think.

I dont have an answer but i feel for you and am just joining in the convo.

FenceSitter01 · 10/10/2017 07:45

If all else fails then criticise the chocolate.

You aren't her friend at all. She'd be much better off with out you gossiping behind her back about her. She needs supportive people around her

Plenty of us do it and manage not to verbally abuse our children. Yes and I did it with three under five, full time work, sick elderly parents, ill husband - lets have some competitive hard times because I can trump yours a thousand times over - and I'd have hated someone to come into my house and slag me off because I broke out the hobnobs and didn't shake my weary backside once to the potty.

This is what I mean about this forum not being anything like supportive, it has a nasty dark side , of one up womanship, a really bitchy stick the knife in I can parent better than you attitude. People are so insular and judgemental, it never crosses their minds to help or ask someone.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/10/2017 07:49

I agree this is not acceptable. If it isn’t just a one off very bad day for her, she’s either a crap parent or a parent that’s not coping. There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to raise the issue with her and offer her support.

In your shoes I would gently challenge her behaviour. When the friend did something like the examples you gave, I’d look shocked and ask if the friend was feeling ok. If she asked why, I’d gently say you seemed pretty angry with X and that makes me wonder how you are, would you like to talk about anything/you know I’m here for you if you want to talk, or a similar statement. That way you raise it but in a not too threatening way. How she responds to this will tell you what you need to know. You can support her as a friend, but the welfare of her children is equally as important.

Ignore the posters who accuse you of judging. It’s obvious you’re trying to help and are worried.

Cabininthewoods69 · 10/10/2017 07:51

I could not watch this happen to any child. This is both neglect and emotional abuse. Im far from perfect and i lose my rage at times but would never verbally abuse my child. People like this should have to sit through child safeguarding courses that teachers do. Might open her eyes to the damage it causes. It makes me want to cuddle my dd and never let go but thats not good parenting either

Original poster
Smarshian · 10/10/2017 07:52

My concern is for the children. I think any normal person can see that this is not good for them. This is not about competitive hard times. I don't believe they should be treated the way they are and wanted some practical advise - not you to berate me for being concerned about her children.
Thanks locotion that's helpful.

OP posts:
Slarti · 10/10/2017 07:57

Are you the OP's friend Fence?

MissMess · 10/10/2017 07:58

Fencesitter

My situation trumps yours
But I always take my children to the loo
If i could not so that, I would have asked for help

That is parenting

Not getting in a state because someone thought the child sound use a toilet, not a Nappy, is not parenting.
That is pretty bad, selvfish and defensive.
Aking for help when you need it is responsible
Op
That does not sound god at all.
Is it someone you can talk to? Her hv, or SS ?

LovelyPrep · 10/10/2017 08:03

Glad I'm not one of fencesitters kids! There isn't a good time to tell your kid they're an arsehole.. neither of your "scenarios" were acceptable.
Anyway OP you're not making digs at her parenting because she isn't parenting. Some people just behave like that and think it's okay. She's unlikely to change even if you challenge it.

TealStar · 10/10/2017 08:05

I can name several parents (myself included) that have had depression or hit the wall (not literally) while parenting young children. I don't know any that have repeatedly abused their children verbally nor neglected them in the process. In fact I would go so far as to say that the depression has stemmed from tirelessly putting the children too much before themselves and losing perspective on their own needs and wishes.
Just my observation.
Those poor kids.

Ohwell14 · 10/10/2017 08:08

I don't see how calling a child an arsehole can be ok in any scenario. It doesn't matter in what context it was said. Why would you jokingly swear directly at your child? Hmm
Some weird opinions on here

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/10/2017 08:10

There's no scenario where calling a child an arshole is OK.

OK maybe once they are 21 and have pranged the motor but.....

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