Wibu friends parenting

[Smarshian]

V close friend of mine really bothers me in the way she parents. Should I say anything?
Examples:
Called ds (3.5) an arsehole for throwing a fruit shoot.
Let ds (2) walk around without a nappy on (took it off without replacing) He pooed and wee on floor in house, she told him he was gross in quite an aggressive manner.
Ds (3.5) wanted to go to the toilet but she couldn't be bothered to take him so made him wee into a nappy.
Feeds them both endless crap (chips crisps chocolate etc etc)

Non of this really bothered me before having my own dd as I guess I didn't pay as much attention to how she was with the kids but it's starting to make me v uncomfortable around her/them.

I couldn't be friends with someone like that, tbh.

I think FenceSitter is being deliberately inflaffatory and contrary.

Totally agree.
Justifying the unjustifiable.
Would you call your colleague an arsehole? So why a child?

Fencesitter, in what world is it right that the 2yo should be the one who has to bear the brunt of his mother's being overwhelmed/lack of parenting skills.

What the OP tells us is that her friend leaves him without a nappy and then tells him off aggressively when the inevitable happens.

So how can that be right, that a 2yo can be given verbal aggression and a 3yo called names, but an adult woman is such a sensitive plant that you can't even have a gentle word with her? Do toddlers matter less than grown-ups? Are they less vulnerable?

it never crosses their minds to help or ask someone OP clearly wants to help her friend. She isn't on here laughing and giggling over how awful her friend is.

I'm less judgemental on the food - they may have a balanced diet overall but I bet it isn't the first time she's been verbally aggressive else she would have been more upset with herself and I doubt its the first tome the 3 yo has had to pee into a nappy else they'd have commented. Why not just buy a potty for downstairs?

I'm not sure who her health visitor is (she lives about an hour away but I see her most weeks). Do you think I should speak to SS? I wouldn't really want to do that without giving her the opportunity to change first.

We were actually at a soft play when the wee into nappy incident occurred.

Speak to SS? What do you want to happen? I work for an agency that works with SS and if your complaint landed on my desk I'd wonder what axe you were grinding.

What is the safeguarding issue you are raising? There is nothing here that SS would take action without a back story or history .

If you're good enough friends to see each other weekly I'd speak to her first, one way or another. Tackle it as it happens, ask if she's ok as she seems really stressed, whatever

As Sleeping says, if you're close enough to see her weekly, you should think about discussing maybe one aspect of it with her.
Potty training is fucking exhausting for some people/kids.
The wee nappy situation, I'd have just said 'look should I just take him for you? He's going to get really confused and you'll end up undoing all your hard work and going back to square one which you obviously don't want'
You don't have to be smug or judgey in your delivery (because I don't think you are anyway) just breezy and practical.
I've been in a very similar situation with a friend who was convinced her child had bladder issues when in reality she could not be arsed taking her DC to the toilet frequently enough because 'busy' with her other child. She'd also leave her in wet pants as she would probably wee in clean ones anyway.
It's hard but doable.

Thats shocking and disgraceful. I would contact the HV or ss for sure. Being too lazy and nasty to take a 3 year old to the toilet when they ask. Not putting a nappy on a 2 year old and verbally abusing them when they inevitbly have an accident. Holy shit Op imagine what this horror is like when you are not around. You could have had the worst life going and it doesnt give you a right to do that to vulnerable little ones.

But what do you expect SS to do? There isnt any abuse or negligence going on. And you wonder why services are hard pressed with fatuitous reports.

Verbal abuse is abuse. Not meeting your childs needs are abuse. Ss dont just swoop in and take children away. They often offer parenting courses. Or do you think people should be free to low level abuse their kids.

I'm really not getting into an online debate with someone who hasn’t the first clue about safeguarding, but other peoples vocabulary (or lack of), profanities are not really going to trigger SS intervention.

You probably won’t click the link but from a docu series called Meet the F**cking Fulfords, and its sequel 'Life is Toff' . People swear, they use terminology to each other. In isolation none of what the OP has described is abusive or negligent behaviour. You may be professionally qualified to state differently and I await your cross referencing to cases.

So sloe you go on an online forum for debates and such and you wont get into an online debate 😂 seems legit. And yes i have dealt with social workers alot in my previous work and home life. I know fine well how safeguarding works thanks. Clearly you may be one of them parents then as you dont seem to think this womans behaviour is amiss.

Can people please stop defending shit parenting on here all the time!

I'm not coping most of the time, I'm severely depressed, sometimes suicidal, but I never treat my dd like that. I never would.

Op, please report her to ss. Imagine what she does when your not there. My dp grew up in similar environment, its heartbreaking.

DearmrDilkington hope you are getting help for your depression must be so hard especially with kids to look after too.

The parenting is shit. But most places SS would not intervene as their threshold is high. SS do not usually get involved if it is just shit parenting. Personally I would talk to her at the time of the incident e.g. you left him without a nappy, of course he is going to pee or poo.

Surely anyone saying ss wont intervene, thats for ss to decide. There may well be an underlying problem in this family as with many who go unreported. So many times kids have been beaten/starved to death we discover no one reported it. Better safe than sorry. Its literally ss' job to check these cases out.

Yes true, okay report it. But unless there is anything else happening, don't expect SS to get involved.

Thats a good point brasty they may not do anything or they may offer parenting classes or they may ask the mother to try counselling. Or indeed say theres no issue. At least the op wont have turned a blind eye and ignored it.

I think Bratsy's last point is the thing. Report it if you feel this is more than a one off but don't assume they will intervene at this point. Which means still talking to your friend if something happens, rereporting if things get worse etc.

Would she go to a parenting class if you said OP you wanted to go to one, but wanted someone to go with you?

Name calling is emotional abuse and is incredibly damaging. Report it to SS so she gets support.

In fact I would go so far as to say that the depression has stemmed from tirelessly putting the children too much before themselves and losing perspective on their own needs and wishes.
@TealStar
Bloody good point. I can totally relate to that.

fencesitter Yikes - talk about an over-reaction! Why the angst?!