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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend fortunes on extended family at Christmas?

83 replies

KH369 · 09/10/2017 08:14

First of all, I'll get it out the way, I'll not a Christmas lover so maybe that sways my view. But DH family actually expect us to spend £25-£30 per child for nieces/nephews! I think that's absolutely ridiculous, in my opinion its the parents & grandparents that push he boat out not aunties and uncles. I ignored the rule last year which (according to DH) resulted in our children receiving no birthday presents through the year - yes this is true but whether of not its related to my lack of xmas expense I don't know.
AIBU to think I should save the big bucks for my own children's presents considering we don't always having extra savings to fall back on at Christmas, or do I need to just get a grip and spend whats expected of me so that my children will get birthday presents next year?

OP posts:
randomer · 09/10/2017 08:49

jesus christ. This sort of thing is so depressing oh the irony. When will people get it into their heads stuff doesn't make anybody happy. Refuse to buy into this nonsense.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2017 08:50

Awful people.
Save your time and money for your own children and leave them to it.

Badbadbunny · 09/10/2017 08:50

Sounds much easier for everyone to just stop giving presents at all.

Yep, we did this a few years ago. Just told them we'd only be doing cards from now on and expected them to do likewise for us. Went down like a lead balloon as they came from a family where piles upon piles of crap for presents was the norm - i.e. quantity not quality. But , for us, it was very liberating and we enjoy things much more now that we aren't stressed about quantity/value of presents. Me and OH don't even bother that much with eachother - just a few token gifts unless there's something in particular one of us wants, and then we don't mind if one gets something major and the other doesn't as it will be the other way next time. Unfortunately BIL took it particularly badly and now he can't even be arsed to send his nephew a birthday card! Luckily, we're not that bothered about family gatherings etc., so we're happy to just live our lives without them being too involved.

Allergictoironing · 09/10/2017 08:51

My father was one of 12, and even allowing for the childless/abroad siblings that meant I had in the region of 35 cousins including some who were married and had children of their own. We used to try to give something decent to every household, but it got insane in the end & ended up only buying for those we were visiting over the season.

I have nephews, no kids of my own, and I tend to spend what I can afford on them. So when money is tight it could be as little as a tub of chocolates and some home made cakes, when I was earning really well it was up to £100 cash (all were at least teenage by then!)

ProfessorCat · 09/10/2017 08:52

If they've stopped buying for your child, why would you buy for theirs?

FlakeBook · 09/10/2017 08:52

Depends how many nieces and nephews you have and how much you can afford.

I think £20 on nieces and nephews is about right. But we only spend £50 on our own children and we don't buy any presents for adults or friends. So we only buy for our children, nieces and nephews.

HolyShet · 09/10/2017 08:56

The thing is how to manage this without a rift or illfeeling.

YANBU by the way.

I think there is a lot to be said for being frank and honest. We can't afford to buy lots of expensive gifts any more so we won't be doing that - we can either set a £10 reciprocal limit, or do a secret santa, or something else they prefer that costs less than the current arrangement.

Oly5 · 09/10/2017 08:58

I spend £30 each on nieces and nephews but that's because I want to and can afford it.
I only get them gifts twice a year.
If you can't afford it just say no. If it's more a point of principle, yabu. It's difficult to get a decent xmas gift for £10

graziemille · 09/10/2017 09:03

If you can afford it why not just do it? If it makes everyone happy and keeps the peace you can only gain from that.
Families are complicated and often it's better to fit in with traditions than to change them.

ptumbi · 09/10/2017 09:04

I stopped buying for nieces and nephews when we each had 3 kids. Seemed stupid to spend money on 6 extra presents just to get presents back.

I buy for my kids, my DH and my mum. That's it.

They get plenty. It's not supposed to be a present mountain.

martellandginger · 09/10/2017 09:17

I would be happy with this situation. They are clearly saying lets not bother with Christmas or birthday presents. If you want to be mug then continue getting presents for birthdays or buy a stack of vouchers but personally I would take this as a good sign. Of course if your husband wants to buy presents etc but it sounds to me like he thinks his family think that he can't afford it and men don't like that do they? He defo had a conversation with his family about it.

lostinpost · 09/10/2017 09:19

If they didn't give your children any birthday presents this year, why would you give their children anything for Christmas?

AnnabelleLecter · 09/10/2017 09:21

I think it depends how you ignored the rule. If you got a thoughtful gift but didn't spend quite as much yanbu. If you were buying the cheapest tat without any thought and your DC got nice presents yabu.
I would have an adult conversation about present budget as it seems like it could be pettiness all round that could get out of hand and cause big family rifts.

SingingMySong · 09/10/2017 09:23

They didn't get your children any birthday presents this year. What makes you so sure they will give your children anything for christmas?

You could counter the £25-30 expectation with suggesting a £10 or £15 cap.

You could use the precedent of no birthday presents and continue that, explicitly, but it could all get rather nasty (if it hasn't already).

SingingMySong · 09/10/2017 09:24

Good point Annabelle

CavoliRiscaldati · 09/10/2017 09:31

The only limit for presents should be "Up", so no more than £xxx. October is the perfect time to advise everybody that the limit is £5 per head, or you won't be buying presents for other children, whatever you prefer. It's early enough to ensure others won't buy presents for your kids but get nothing instead.

Does it really matter if your children don't get birthday presents from their uncles and aunties?

£25 - £30 is the average amount we do spend on nieces and nephews (usually more), but that's a personal choice, some generous uncles have spent an awful lot more sometimes. The main thing is that they don't expect anything in return, gifts are given because people are happy to, not because they must.

ItsNachoCheese · 09/10/2017 09:38

Thats too much to spend it would mean your spending £££ extended family get a token gift from me which is usually a big box of heros or celebrations. I just dont have the money to go daft at xmas time as im a single parent and money is tight. Besides its surely the thought that counts that you have been given a gift or is that not the case anymore?

MissBabbs · 09/10/2017 09:41

Surely the DCs end up with piles of plastic and often duplicates.

Mammyloveswine · 09/10/2017 09:45

I would just get a token gift and a selection box! When we first got together we spent a lot on our nephews but now it tends to be 10-20 depending on what I see in the sales or what they might like. Tbh I don't even think about how much I spend on anyone, I just get things I think they would like! This Christmas I'll be 9 months pregnant and getting ready for maternity leave so def won't be spending a lot! It's not about monetary value it's the thought that counts!

pasturesgreen · 09/10/2017 09:56

Having expectations about the amount of money spent is unreasonable, as is taking petty revenge on the children by withholding birthday presents.

Having said that, if your circumstances allow, spending £25-30 on Christmas presents for nieces and nephews doesn't sound unreasonable.

AtHomeDadGlos · 09/10/2017 10:04

We get this with family too. Taken to finding items in the sale and using discount codes etc in the run up to xmas to buy things that would normally cost the required spend level.

It’s ridiculous. I like Christmas as an opportunity to spend time with family, but hate the grabbiness of it all.

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/10/2017 10:06

I would take the view that they have failed to get your kids birthday presents therefore you assumed you weren't doing Christmas presents at all anymore!

And I would mention this if there are complaints!

ElinoristhenewEnid · 09/10/2017 10:14

Gosh between us dh and i have 6 dcs 5 gdcs and 3 ggdcs. With dns gdns and siblings we have a family of over 40. No way would i spend £25-30 on each even though we could afford it. I am desperately trying to restrict to under 18s only except for dcs. As Martin Lewis states in effect you are spending £xx to receive £xx back of stuff neither really needs or wants!

MatildaTheCat · 09/10/2017 10:22

Be upfront and clear that you cannot afford this budget and stick to it. If you want to buy gifts ( not sure how many dc or what ages we re talking about here) then as pp say a, buy small but thoughtful.

I have 17 nieces and nephews. Some we did gifts with and some not. And none were in that price range, I can assure you!

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2017 10:27

I don’t understand the shopping to a price bracket. I shop with a list of people and pick what they like- if it’s a fiver it’s a fiver, if it’s more then it’s more.

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