To not want to spend fortunes on extended family at Christmas?

[KH369]

First of all, I'll get it out the way, I'll not a Christmas lover so maybe that sways my view. But DH family actually expect us to spend £25-£30 per child for nieces/nephews! I think that's absolutely ridiculous, in my opinion its the parents & grandparents that push he boat out not aunties and uncles. I ignored the rule last year which (according to DH) resulted in our children receiving no birthday presents through the year - yes this is true but whether of not its related to my lack of xmas expense I don't know.
AIBU to think I should save the big bucks for my own children's presents considering we don't always having extra savings to fall back on at Christmas, or do I need to just get a grip and spend whats expected of me so that my children will get birthday presents next year?

[prettypetal]

This post just reinforces why I absolutely hate Christmas. I feel for you op, what an awful position to be in. And what arseholes you have that call themselves ‘family’ on your DH side. I mean what sort of adults actually penalise children for their parents not ‘ spending the appropriate amount ‘ it’s fucking ludicrous & I would be ashamed to be associated with such cruel fuckers. I my self don’t like Christmas, because as it’s proven here, it’s not about giving anymore, unfortunately it’s been ruined by ‘ what did you get’ How you will manage to push this aside & get through the day acting all normal & merry is beyond me. Horrible horrible rude people like that boil my blood. Christmas or no Christmas I would point blankly tell them to just fuck off.

[guilty100]

"I don’t understand the shopping to a price bracket"

My DH's family spend £100-300 per person. Get it now?

[wannabestressfree]

@guilty100 and? Surely buying a gift should be about you picking something that you think the person will like not having to spend a certain amount....
So no... I don’t get it now.

[JemimaLovesHamble]

Stop doing any presents with them and just spend the money on your own DCs. I think it's the sensible thing to do when there are loads of kids in a family anyway.

[Hissy]

Well the good news is that a new precedent is set!

No more gifts for brithdays or christmas. A touch passive aggressive perhaps, but how about a text upfront with 'seeing as you've decided to stop swapping gifts, we'll respect that and just do gifts for our own kids from now on'

[Cath2907]

Clean break time I think. Tell them you can't afford big presents this year so will be buying a token gift only for nieces/nephews/aunts/uncles/grandparents/each other and that what little you have is going to go on your own kids. Gives them plenty of warning to only get you token gifts in return. Then stick to this for birthdays next year. If they don't get your kids anything then stop buying for theirs. Send a card with a small gift token if you want the kids to be happy otherwise just a card is enough. Then don't worry about it and sail on through your life happily. Your kids likely won't notice. It is only now I've read this I realise we didn't do presents from my Aunt and Uncle when we were kids.... I don't think I noticed at the time at all!

[guilty100]

wannabe - but most people like things in every price bracket, right? I love a Lush bath bomb, but if someone gave me that and I'd spend £200 on a rare first edition novel that I know they would love, then the situation might be a bit embarrassing for both parties, right? So the point is to have a conversation that sets expectations, and then to buy the most thoughtful gift possible in the appropriate price bracket.

[wannabestressfree]

I do understand but we just don’t buy like that... you don’t give to receive surely? Or maybe you do?
For example my brother and his partner are very low earners. He has two jobs and two very young children. My other brother works in the city. They will spend what they can afford. We don’t pre discuss it. That seems really mercenary to me. Sorry.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Well if you haven't received any presents for your children, then you send a message saying:

"Hi all, based on this year it seems that we're not doing presents for nieces/nephews anymore, which I think is great idea, so thanks for that " and then let them know what you're planning for Christmas/Boxing Day/New Year, etc.

[guilty100]

" you don’t give to receive surely? Or maybe you do?"

No. it's not about giving to receive. It's more the other way round -
that someone wealthy doesn't want to embarrass someone less well off by making them feel that they have somehow failed to reciprocate at the same level.

It makes sense for there to be a level playing field, because being given something hugely expensive when you can't afford to buy the same back can actually make some people feel upset and annoyed, or even patronised and controlled. Of course, sometimes you can waive that if you know someone is having a rough time or you are very close, but in general, it's good when gifts don't cause someone to feel inadequate or ashamed.

[wannabestressfree]

I agree with the last paragraph but I suppose I wouldn’t buy a gift for someone unless I knew them well enough to know it would be taken in the right way regardless of cost.

[peanutblue]

YANBU. We spend about £25-40 on nieces and nephews but that's entirely our choice, we see them regularly so we see them as close family, and spend Christmas Day together. When we had a lower income, we spent less and my siblings spent more on my dcs, because they could afford it, and that wasn't an issue.

I used to bargain hunt a lot throughout the year so I'd buy things that you'd expect to cost £30 for less than half the price. The Christmas threads on here, and HotUKDeals are great for bargains. That could be one way to appear to be spending to the expected budget and keep the peace in the family, while spending a lot less.

[chocatoo]

What about suggesting that instead of expensive presents to unwrap, both families have a day out somewhere (theme park?) together in the spring and limit it to £5 a present on Christmas day (just kids)?

[blackteasplease]

Shouldn't your dh just be sorting this out with you not even having to think about it?

[QueenUnicorn]

Buy something worth £25 that is reduced down to what you usually spend. They wont know and saves the pettiness.

YANBU.

[guilty100]

wannabe - If only life were that simple! The trouble is, these are shifting sands.

I am sitting on the sidelines of a massive fight between two close friends at the moment over reciprocity. It used to be that one of them offered unconditional one-way emotional support any time of the day and night (and I mean arduous stuff like answering calls at 3am here, not just doing a bit of listening), while the other (who is financially wealthier) paid for dinner. This worked between them for years, they know each other incredibly well. Recently, however, the friend who pays has become upset at always paying and has accused the other friend of taking advantage. It's a nightmare, because - like so many relationships - the things they each offer the other are not parallel. The friend who pays is very self-centred and really can't empathise with anyone else so she can't reciprocate on the support; the friend who supports loves a good dinner but can't afford to pay. Watching, I feel sad that a relationship that formerly worked no longer does because neither can give in the other's currency!

Maybe reciprocity is something we have to negotiate fairly constantly- what's appropriate in one situation may not be in another. It's a bit of a nightmare of nuance! That's why I prefer to have an upfront conversation about it.

[Eliza9917]

Have you been round to them to collect your DC's present from them?

It may well be sitting in their house awaiting collection.

[Juicyfruitloop]

YANBU. I have 7 Dneice and nephews. Dp has 3. We tend to spend around 30 each on his Dnephews. We are very far from well off.

When I was a child you never got presents from extended family. Parents and possible grandparents now and again.

My family expect me to put in 150euro for our side. 4 couples 150 each, Dsis idea it was 100euro before inflation. My siblings are alot more financiaily secure than I am. Unfortunately for me. I always do put it in but it means we struggle over Christmas.

[Majormanner]

UNBU. I agreed early on with one family member that I would buy for her kids and she bought for my dog (before kids) I spend £10-£15 save one year when she nearly had a breakdown - due to kids (long story) and I bought a big activity present for £60. we don't do each other and I only buy for immediate family

[Majormanner]

just re-read the bit about no birthday presents - I wouldn't bother getting them any either

[ptumbi]

My DH's family spend £100-300 per person. Get it now? - that is absolutely ludicrous! I have a normal sized family - me, DH, PIL, my Parents, 3 dc, 6 nieces and nephews, sister & BIL, Brother and SIL. That's 18 people not including me, to buy for. Even at £100 per head that is madness, at the top end - crippling.

Don't they wonder why they are skint/borrowing money for the rest ofthe year?

This is why I on;y buy for me, dh and dc.

[Brittbugs80]

We don't spend a set amount. DH and I have 8 nieces and nephews between us, one of is a Great nephew and we spend around £20/30 on each but that's because we choose something of that price off their lists. DS gets £25 off aunts and uncles as they always buy him vouchers so he ends up with £75 in vouchers. Grandparents spend £100 on each of the grandchildren and again give vouchers so they spend more than we do but my parents give all adults £100 in money, a present to open and a gift bag of our favourite treats. My Stepmom gives adults £75 each and £50 on grandchildren (vouchers)

I wouldn't be happy with someone saying, "right you have to spend £30" I'd rather ask for a list and pick from that.

My Mom's a nightmare as for birthdays she buys is presents but will spend every penny to make sure we all get the same amount. A couple of years ago, she got me a coat and it was literally a penny from the amount she would spend, she gave me the penny so I had the full amount!

[Crunchymum]

We have 12 nieces/nephews. We all agreed a long time ago not to so Xmas gifts (agreed on my side and DP side). We all do birthday gifts though.

[Butterymuffin]

I don't like the idea of rewarding them not getting your kids any presents by upping your Christmas spending on their kids. A small gift and selection box as Mammy said would be my route now.

[Dontpeeonthecat]

With 8 nieces and nephews we stick to a tenner in their card and a token box of sweets or chocs. I get annoyed with buying for in-laws and distant aunts/cousins we never see. I'd rather we skip adults completely as we always receive smelly sets, enough to last all year and more. I don't even use smelly sets so to me it's a waste of money