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Original poster

Do you have a 'one that got away'?

58 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 08/10/2017 08:28

My DH is incredible, and I wouldn't change my life with him for anything.
However, when we met, there was sort of a crossroads, between him and another man, and I chose my husband. I've never regretted this. But, I do often think about that other man, and what my life would've been, and I feel like that's unreasonable towards my husband.
So, am I being unreasonable to think in this way? Does anyone else have a one that got away?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2017 08:32

I had a boyfriend that I would have loved to have had a partnership with, but he had a borderline cocaine addiction.

Ten years later and we are both 50 next year, he still hasn't settled down. So no regrets.

I think we all contemplate a different life from time to time.

missadasmith · 08/10/2017 08:36

I do. And I have massive regrets. but I keep telling myself that I don't know if things would have worked out... probably it wouldn't.

Lagerthaisfabulous · 08/10/2017 08:36

No i dont.

You have no clue wether it would have gone well or not.

If you are happy where you are, does it matter?

Tbh i think i would be hurt if dh was thinking about what life would have been with someone else. Thats assuming you are imagining it would have been good or better than what it you have.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 08/10/2017 08:37

Yes. Although I find you can be in love with the fantasy of life with that person, rather than the reality of it.

shouldaknownbetter · 08/10/2017 08:37

I have a make friend I've known for 20 years, we started off as a fling that didn't work out , I didn't think he was goid snough for me, but then became mates as we had the same social circle.

I have changed a lot as a person since I was younger and often think I didn't appreciate him then as I would do if we both met as singles now.

I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I'd met him later in my life. However we are both happy with other people now.

I don't actually fancy him any more, just sometimes wonder what if.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 08/10/2017 08:39

Yeah, but not in the same situation. I met someone in between my ex and my now DH. He doesn't have the same appeal as he did back then but I always wonder why it didn't work out, it was a strange situation with him being really confusing. Looking back I think he was probably seeing his ex and reluctant to let her go, he used to talk about her a lot and then tell me I was not ready for a relationship due to my ex. I didn't realise then that he was projecting his own situation onto me, I gave up in the end but I was sad because he was a good friend. We're not in touch now and it seemed very much like a break up, but we were never really together. Odd!

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 08/10/2017 08:40

Lager, it's definitely the case that I know it ultimately wouldn't have been better. The other relationship never would've worked out, but it's still a bit of a daydream.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 08/10/2017 08:44

I did have - but he came back and I married him! Grin

It was very hard when we were apart. I dated other people and even had a fairly serious relationship but I thought about DH every day. I was fairly open about the fact that he was and always would be the love of my life - I didn’t want to mislead anyone and knew that any relationship I did have would have to be on that basis. The guy I dated seriously at the time didn’t believe in soulmates etc (he does now because he met his shortly after we broke up!) so he wasn’t that bothered and don’t feel threatened, but I knew other people would have done and it could have led to me being alone forever etc and I was comfortable with that. I knew nobody would ever compare to DH (even though we hadn’t even dated at the time).

Anyway, it was a massive relief when he came back into my life and felt the same. We moved in together 3 weeks later and have been blissfully happy ever since.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 08:46

Nope. They're exes for a reason. DH is the only person I want and I don't have any regrets.

OccasionalNachos · 08/10/2017 08:50

Yes, I often think about a fling I had in my first year of uni. There was absolutely electric attraction & I wonder if we would have been able to maintain something so passionate.

A lot of our drama was probably due to being young students, too. I wonder what he’s like now as a ‘proper’ adult in his thirties.

ScaryMonstersAndSuoerCreeps · 08/10/2017 08:58

I had a male friend who i met when i was with my late dh. Nothing happened with friend. Fast forward to five years after dh died and friend reappeared. We skirted round each other for a while, he would come and see ds and i at home. He eventally asked me out on a date but the afternoon we were due to go out that night he turned up to say his Mum was ill and he had to go to her. Never got the date as he never reappeared (lived a way away). We texted for a while and then it fizzled out. We reconnected on FB a while ago. He has a partner and a daughter now. I have my DP now and i am happy but often wonder what would have happened on that date that never was...

Witchitywoo · 08/10/2017 08:59

Yup. Before I was married to EXH but living with him, someone I worked with had a bit of a thing for me. And it was very much reciprocated. All we ever did was talk. Never touched or held hands or kissed. But we both wanted to. He even came to my house once, stood at the front door and asked me to go away with him for Christmas. I was torn, not because I loved my then DP, but because it would have caused so much trouble at work if I'd gone. (Fraternisation across ranks was NOT allowed) with hindsight I should have said yes. If he ever got back in touch I would be very interested.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 09:02

Not a one that got away, but a friend who it became a running joke that if we were both single something might have happened.
When I was single, he was in a relationship.
When he was single, I was in a relationship.

Nothing happened. We were friends for years but life means we live in different countries now. We occasionally message on facebook and caught up a few years back when he was home. Totally platonic but we still laughed about how it was when we were younger.

Hassled · 08/10/2017 09:08

Yes sort of, in that there was a big, passionate, exciting relationship in my late teens that I've never really replicated with anyone else. It was that all-consuming obsession thing, for both of us - just the most exciting feeling ever. But he was unreliable and would have been a nightmare to live with, and in hindsight I can see it was more about physical attraction than any great emotional bond. So I have no regrets that he got away - and we've both ended up in happy marriages.

triplesalco · 08/10/2017 09:11

Yes.

loved him with everything. He had to return to US due to visa reasons, I couldn't go and we lost touch (was only 18).
He became incredibly successful and when he died suddenly last year, I never thought I'd stop hurting.

silkpyjamasallday · 08/10/2017 09:11

DP was almost the one that got away. He was friends with my boyfriend so I spent quite a lot of time with him over the four years I was with my ex, my ex was abusive and wasn't that nice to me even in front of people and DP used to stand up for me. I had so so much in common with DP but never thought it would go anywhere. When I broke up with my ex I toyed with the idea of contacting DP but didn't in the end as I hadn't seen him for over a year and didn't want to seem weird. I started seeing someone else and thought nothing more of it. Then when back in my hometown I bumped into DP, we spent the day together and haven't been apart since.

KarateKitten · 08/10/2017 09:19

I have one I know could have been 'the one' in terms of the chemistry and matching ideals and personality. He really was a great guy. He dumped me though and I was a bit heartbroken. He married the person I suspect he met towards the end of dating me and has a lovely family now. My DH is similar to him in so many ways in his personality and drive and thinking but actually I think I got the even better of the two. DH is an amazing (not perfect always!) person so I was lucky to meet both and very lucky to marry DH.

confusedlittleone · 08/10/2017 09:53

I have an ex who I kept going back to, timings were also wrong for us (he moved away and the moved back and then I moved away) we're friends now and have talked about what life would be like if we stayed together but ultimately it probably would of never worked

HalloweenStar · 08/10/2017 09:58

I had a kind of fwb who I really liked but he never made his feelings clear so I moved on. Once I was settled with someone else he finally spoke up but it was too late. Even though I'm single again now I can't change the past and try not to think about it

frieda909 · 08/10/2017 11:06

There was I guy I liked from literally the first day of Fresher's week at uni, and it turned out he liked me too. We almost got together a few times but we were both useless and awkward around each other and never managed to make it happen. It resurfaced a few times during the later years of uni but the timing never seemed to be right.

I carried a torch for him for ten years after that, all through my emotionally abusive relationship with my now-ex partner. We stayed Facebook friends but there wasn't any other contact between us. There was a point when I was dreaming about him at least once a week. I think he became this symbol in my mind of everything that was missing from my life, because I was so unhappy at that time.

I finally broke up with my shitty ex and coincidentally he happened to get out of a relationship around the same time. We ended up arranging to meet after not seeing each other for ten years. I thought 'this is it!' I was about to get my Hollywood happy ending. We'd confess that we'd loved each other all this time and live happily ever after.

Well... no. We met and had a lovely chat and even kissed a little bit but the whole thing was just... meh. We were still just as awkward and useless with each other as ever. When we parted ways we kind of half heartedly said 'maybe see you again... some time?' but that was it.

I was so disappointed but not long after I met my now-partner and I was struck by just how easy and drama-free the whole thing felt. I realised that was how these things were meant to feel! I deleted the 'one that got away' from Facebook and that was that.

I think I'm lucky in a way. Most people's 'ones that got away' stay that way forever because they never get the chance to actually see what might happen. It's a fantasy we live out in our heads and maybe even drive ourselves slightly mad with. I think it was good for me to realise just how much of it was all in my head and how far from reality it all was!

Foslady · 08/10/2017 11:38

At the time it wouldn’t have worked but since reconnecting and with no need to impress each other I really think it would......

Only he’s in the beginning of a new relationship so I’ve backed off because it’s more important that he’s happy and if there’s a chance of that with the new lady then so be it.

Hurts like hell though.

CheerfulYank · 08/10/2017 11:47

Oh, maybe a little. We were friends in high school (and went to prom together :) ) but never anything more. He was (and is) a devout Mormon and I'm not. Even then he never would have dated outside his religion. We're friends still, just through social media. Sometimes we message often and then it lapses for months or a year. He was (is) so good looking and fun, and I think in different circumstances we'd have been very happy.

But I love DH so much, and he loves his wife, and neither of us would give that up for anything. It's not even a thought really, just sometimes feeling wistful for youth and that feeling I used to have for him.

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/10/2017 11:47

I did - a teenage romance. Then I bumped into him after years of not seeing each other and we had a four year relationship. The reality did NOT live up to the years of wondering and imagining, in fact it was an awful relationship. Don't fall into the 'grass is always greener' trap - it definitely isn't!

FunkyBarnYardBroom · 08/10/2017 11:49

Yes but in my case 12 years and several bad choices later our paths crossed again!

Been together 5 years now :)

mygorgeousmilo · 08/10/2017 11:54

Yes, I could have written your OP. My husband is, in my humble opinion, about as good as it gets - I feel very lucky. But feelings-wise, my ex is pretty unforgettable. We got on so well, we have very similar personalities and opinions. We tried to remain friends after we split but we're too attracted to each other and went round and round in a miserable circle for months. I don't wish I'd chosen him, as he is still the same person, and that person is not compatible with what I want and actually have with my husband. He is a workaholic, very ambitious, and never wanted to marry or have children. In short he wanted to stay as we were, commited and living together, but not 'weighed down'. He still is, 15 years later, still wealthy and doing really very well professionally, but didn't meet anyone else in the meantime to make him change his stance on marriage/kids. I know I made the right decision and if he'd relented and had kids to keep me, I wouldn't have had such a wonderful day to day partnership like I do now. I would have been with the kids on my own a lot, I just know it. goes off to sob