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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dear God teen dc is driving me bonkers aibu to ask for advice.

15 replies

Potofbobbles · 07/10/2017 21:07

Used to be lovely.
Has some mild SN and we had issues with meltdowns last year which calmed down.

Currently

-'you can tell me off but I don't have to listen.'
-'if you are going to tell me off for how I speak to you then don't talk to me.'

  • when asked to put something they have left everywhere back told God it's stupid and ridiculous all you ever do is have a go at me.
-I'm a grass for telling my Mum how awful they have been to prevent pocket money being given. -they don't care if they don't get treats. No WiFi at home, says they don't care that the trip to the cinema at the weekend is cancelled.

Doesn't go out much so grounding won't work.

Seriously peed off at the moment!

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 07/10/2017 21:22

Sorry I really don’t know what to suggest as I have no experience of teenagers (and am dreading it!!). But I didn’t want to read and run. It sounds awful. Hugs.

Original poster
Potofbobbles · 09/10/2017 07:46

Thanks wine

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 09/10/2017 07:49

I dont have teenagers but have you tried talking to them? Asking whats so awful about what you are doing and that it is upsetting you?
Dont really know if tjat would work but i know when i was a teenager the only thibg that really bothered me was my mum being upset, not cross or angry but upset.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/10/2017 07:54

Grab a copy of "How to talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk" - about a fiver on eBay. I frequently lend my copy to parents I work with.

The key to managing teenagers is good communication. Don't compare them with how they were when they were younger (even in your head). They have to go through the teenager stage. It's important for their development.

Rachie1973 · 09/10/2017 08:04

Its a horrible time and no teen is ever alike.

I was one of 4 and people used to say to my dad 'Oh you must be an expert by now'. He used to say 'well no, I've never been a Dad to a 14 year old Rachie, or a 16 year old Ben or a 17 year old Leia' etc etc

I have 6 of my own now, fortunately just 2 left in the teen years, the 21 yr old used to be very like the one you quote lol, we also had SN issues with him. I also have a 15 yr old that's a massive drama queen, nothing is EVER her fault, despite her getting herself involved in every argument, row or break up amongst her friends.

The 'I don't care if....' stuff, let them deal with it. They do care really.

The way you talk though, we used to make them sit on the sofa and listen to us. Our house is a democracy generally speaking, we listen and contribute equally. However, at times it becomes MY house and I expect to be listened to when I speak. If that means they sit on my sofa until they respond politely and with thought then so be it.

If it's any consolation though, they do grow out of it (mostly). The 21 year old is a charming young man now, who is great company and has a wicked sense of humour :)

Original poster
Potofbobbles · 09/10/2017 08:26

Thank you!

I do talk to them and ask what is so bad about in what I am asking .
They admit nothing and admit they do way less than their friends and then the cycle carries on.

On the rare occasion I get upset dc gets very angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potofbobbles · 09/10/2017 08:27

Will look for that book thank you!

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 09/10/2017 08:33

I have plugged the book 'Get out of my Life, but First Take me and Alex into Town' before on here. It explains why they do what they do and takes you off the hook a bit. I have found it very useful in helping me deal with my 14 year old. You could be quoting her by the way.

VioletCharlotte · 09/10/2017 11:18

Have a read of this thread, it's extremely cathartic!

If teenagers were on AIBU
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3054432-If-teenagers-were-on-AIBU

Willow2017 · 09/10/2017 12:24

That thread is brilliant
We are all in the same boat.

Good luck its a never ending cycle of them kicking off as parents are so unreasonable and apologies cos they were and promises that they won't do it again. Yeah right 😀

Original poster
Potofbobbles · 09/10/2017 15:43

Thank you! I'm on that thread, definitely cathartic!

After being a total and utter cow this morning on the way to the bus station (we were at a relatives and dc didn't know the way from there) because I asked them not to walk down the street watching Youtube.

A) They have already smashed three phone screens doing this.
B) They have nearly been run over.
C) The street we were walking on has big issues with muggings.

They have just text me asking if they can bake when they get home.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 09/10/2017 15:47

I would ignore it all and be kind and positive. Stop using punishment as a way to control him and minimise nagging to the really important stuff.

Just back off basically. Is he shoplifting? Has he got someone pregnant? Is he on drugs? If not, get off his back. Focus on making him laugh and having fun. Don't worry, he will be out of your house and your life forever in a few years, and you can grow old alone.

BackforGood · 09/10/2017 16:03

I'd never been one for reading parenting guides, but did find both the books recommended above were fab.

My tip is do your 'talking' to them and listening to them when they are not in the throes of "It's not fair". Chat when you are driving and they don't have to be looking at you. Or make a time to take them out for a lunch or a cake on their own, and talk then. Or chat for a bit when you are on your way to bed yourself - mine seemed to like that reverting to our chats we used to have when they were little and you'd be reading a bed time story.

The other thing we did a lot was talk about 'theoretical situations' when we were eating meals etc...... "What would you do if....." / "Someone at work was telling me that this happened to their daughter - do you think it is fair that.......?"........."You know on {insert film or TV prog or even news item}, why do you think he did that?" / etc. It meant they had time to think about scenarios without it feeling ike a personal attack or judgement on them.

Boulshired · 09/10/2017 16:18

I have generally found out the catalyst for their behaviour weeks or months after. Bullying, stress, friendship issues. Things they didn't want to talk about at the time but impacted their self esteem. I try to persuade them to talk about their problems and it is getting better but there are some things they do not want to share. I try to tackle outbursts with enquiringly about their life in general. It has been difficult with DS1 but is much better now he is at sixth form.

Welwyncitydweller · 09/10/2017 16:42

Horrible things aren’t they? Flowers

After a particularly bad few weeks worth mine, I read this article and it really helped. I talked the concepts through with my kid during a period of peace and he got it, felt I was acknowledging my own failings as much as his and we found a way forward. Still lose my shit now and again though Wink

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201212/parental-resentment-toward-self-centered-adolescent

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