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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this bullying ? Am I a bully

112 replies

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 17:52

All afternoon dsd has been going on about a particular thing she would like. She asked her df if he would go get it for her. He said no. Not now. (He has been to and fro from the shops all day and we live quite rurally so not a quick walk at least a 30 minute drive)
I asked what time their train home was tomorrow. Then said I would leave 20 minutes earlier and drop her at the shop to get the item. She said she didn't know how to get to the train station from there. (It's a 7 minute walk in a straight line) . I explained this but she looked confused. I then said, no problem. I will take you there. Wait while you get it and drop you at the station.

Her reply was 'I'll just get it at the town where she changes trains'. I felt quite upset by this. I thought I was doing something nice . She has literally gone on all afternoon about this. I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful. She stomped off and DH accuses me of bullying her. I am really upset. I genuinely thought I was being kind.
DH then comes and shouts at me and has a go for upsetting and abusing his daughter.

I left the house to go and calm down.
I think she was really rude. The message I get is i want xxxx but I don't want your to be involved.
I pick up/drive at the moment because DH has medical condition preventing him driving. I try to make our home welcoming. I have just spend over an hour making a nice supper.
I have been their step mother for over a decade and we have them every fortnight without fail.
Have I missed something. ? Dsd is curled up on the sofa with father.

I don't feel like doing anything more for them as offers to assist make life more enjoyable are construed as bullying and am the bad guy.

OP posts:
EverythingRightNow · 07/10/2017 19:32

I'm guessing there's now an option 3, Dad goes to the shop with her and she gets extra treats as she's been hard done by. (Thus the cuddling on the sofa as she's oh so upset!)

It'll pass OP DSD will get what she wants, your DH will continue to be an arse.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 19:33

She didn't need to be called ungrateful

OP said it to the DH not the DSD!

EverythingRightNow · 07/10/2017 19:35

I'm guessing the 'abusive' was however you told her it's a 7 minute walk in a straight line, which she probably knows given she takes the train so knows where it is, it isn't an alien situation for her.

Why you let his ex dictate if he drives is beyond me. If he's perfectly Road legal I'd be telling her to go on.

diddl · 07/10/2017 19:36

" I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful."

Op said it to her stepdaughter.

HolyShet · 07/10/2017 19:36

No she didn't Green "I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful. "

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2017 19:36

OP said it to the DH not the DSD

Ehrm, you need to read the op again, she said it to the daughter.

TheGoodWife16 · 07/10/2017 19:38

Can you let it go. Is it worth the aggravation? If you’re used to teenagers, you’ll know that it’s wise to choose your battles. This just doesn’t seem worth the stress, grief or marital tension. Rise above it.

Chaos777 · 07/10/2017 19:48

You were NOT being abusive, your DSD WAS ungrateful, and your DH IS out of order.

It also sounds as if your DH is writing his own story of your behaviour, as opposed to what really happened. He has twisted the truth. He is gas lighting. That, in itself, is a form of abuse.

To what end would he do this?
Why does he want to make you appear to be bullying?
Is he manipulating you?

NikiBabe · 07/10/2017 19:53

Id drive off tomorrow alone. He can pay for a taxi for his precious to go home.

kali110 · 07/10/2017 19:53

OP said it to the DH not the DSD

Not in the op she didn't.
I don't care either way.
She didn't need to be called ungrateful, whether she was there or not.
The op is certainly not abusive.

diddl · 07/10/2017 19:54

Why was the step daughter ungrateful?

lunar1 · 07/10/2017 19:57

I don’t think the dd did anything wrong in declining the offer, your dh sounds like a prize prick though. And it’s not you I’d call the abusive bully in this scenario.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2017 19:58

Even Mums who aren't the step mother are seen as the bad guy. Not doing right for doing wrong. And play parents one off against the other. Don't dwell any more on this. It doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong at all.

MajesticWhine · 07/10/2017 20:05

Teenager being ungrateful is not an unusual event in my world, unfortunately. I think the best response would be to shrug it off to be honest. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to please everyone and this is bound to lead to resentment. Please yourself for a day and screw the lot of them

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2017 20:10

Why is this thread about the DSD?

Surely this thread should be about:
DH then comes and shouts at me and has a go for upsetting and abusing his daughter.

LazySusan11 · 07/10/2017 20:11

Doesn’t sound like bullying, my dsd is the same age has some lovely strops I won’t rise to them I don’t pass comment. Sometimes it feels like an uphill struggle but I’ve found least said soonest mended applies.

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/10/2017 20:23

Heebie your post is horrible and your spund like a deeply abusive person

I disagree. I'm just not a doormat that allows others to walk all over me like this.
I don't find it amusing that girls/women think it's a good tactic to play 'dumb/confused' Hmm
It was obvious she was trying it on, and it isn't abusive to laugh and use humour to deal with someone who is blatantly and deliberately being rude to you.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/10/2017 20:31

Calling her ungrateful because she chose to get it at a different time is a nasty thing to say.

And really confusing too Confused Sounds like you have a lot of emotional baggage, OP, and you shouldn't be passing it in to your (step)kids.

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 20:31

Ok a few things to clear up.
My kids are all a bit older so out/at girlfriends/Uni this weekend so ‘no sharing time with step children ‘ she has him to herself/her own brother.

The journey is not onerous. It is 40 mins return by train . Their mother/step father do-not/have never facilitated contact. We accept this. We have always picked up dropped back. Until df medical condition he drove them both ways. I cannot donthis with my Work commitments. So now they come on the train. It’s a total of a 22 minute journey including changed. It’s like a Y shape. We live on the top right they change and go back up the right fork.

They have been with us every fortnight for 10 yrs. we used to live in the middle of town. She knows the town very well.

I have apologised to her for calling her ungrateful. She asked me where the popcorn was. (So it seems she is talking to me !)

I will discuss this with DH at counselling this week. We are seeing a fantastic counsellor who is a great conduit for making DH look as his tendency to try and ‘gaslight’ me.

Luckily I’m wise to it - as well as being no shrinking violet. Most of the time I will call him on it but I was caught unawares with this and am sensitive to any criticism of being unkind to Dsc as I have worked hard to make out large blended family work. - we’ve only three left at home now, so nearly there !

OP posts:
fairyofallthings · 07/10/2017 20:31

Heebie you sound, errm, less than pleasant.

OP, how did he get backwards and forwards to the shops all day?

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/10/2017 20:33

right back at you fairy Smile

ohreallyohreallyoh · 07/10/2017 20:39

I don't find it amusing that girls/women think it's a good tactic to play 'dumb/confused'

Except she may genuinely have been confused. If she is usually driven to the station, understanding where it is in relation to the shop may not have been immediately obvious to her.

It therefore wasn't necessarily any kind of tactic.

You don't know the OP, the DSD, the area they live in.

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 20:41

WhatToDoAboutThis2017. Not sure what my emotional baggage is ? I’m actually fairly chilled. Have three kids all happy ,healthy and moving ahead with their lives/Uni. An ex husband who I love dearly and parent with effectively. As well as a full time job .

I also have dh who I love dearly most of the time - but like most partners we have occasional issues but have always made a point of seeing a counsellor whenever an issue has arisen - rather than let anything fester. As we have always done this as our relationship is important to both of us.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/10/2017 20:44

Gas lighting and reacting like this is not occasional, this was all him not you dsd

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/10/2017 20:46

oh
i'm going to assume you didn't read op's update at 20:31:20 Smile

I didn't need that extra info as i had already (correctly) assumed that SM had taken all that into consideration and wasn't expecting/asking something unreasonable.....

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