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Original poster

Is this bullying ? Am I a bully

112 replies

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 17:52

All afternoon dsd has been going on about a particular thing she would like. She asked her df if he would go get it for her. He said no. Not now. (He has been to and fro from the shops all day and we live quite rurally so not a quick walk at least a 30 minute drive)
I asked what time their train home was tomorrow. Then said I would leave 20 minutes earlier and drop her at the shop to get the item. She said she didn't know how to get to the train station from there. (It's a 7 minute walk in a straight line) . I explained this but she looked confused. I then said, no problem. I will take you there. Wait while you get it and drop you at the station.

Her reply was 'I'll just get it at the town where she changes trains'. I felt quite upset by this. I thought I was doing something nice . She has literally gone on all afternoon about this. I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful. She stomped off and DH accuses me of bullying her. I am really upset. I genuinely thought I was being kind.
DH then comes and shouts at me and has a go for upsetting and abusing his daughter.

I left the house to go and calm down.
I think she was really rude. The message I get is i want xxxx but I don't want your to be involved.
I pick up/drive at the moment because DH has medical condition preventing him driving. I try to make our home welcoming. I have just spend over an hour making a nice supper.
I have been their step mother for over a decade and we have them every fortnight without fail.
Have I missed something. ? Dsd is curled up on the sofa with father.

I don't feel like doing anything more for them as offers to assist make life more enjoyable are construed as bullying and am the bad guy.

OP posts:
Livingdiisgracefully · 07/10/2017 18:49

Saying someone is ungrateful once does not make you an abusive bully. Maybe it wasn't entirely fair to snap at her when maybe she was just being a contrary teen. But if it was such an easy solution to buy the item when changing trains, why did she go on about it all afternoon?

What seems unfair to me is your dh actively taking sides with your dsd rather than just having a quiet word with you about trying to not overreact. I'd be hurt about them seeming to gang up against you too.

Having said that OP, maybe ask yourself whether you are more tolerant with your interesting teens than with your dsd and has your dh had reason to talk to you before about this. If it's a one-off incident genuinely, then he is overeacting.

kali110 · 07/10/2017 18:50

Agree your problem is with your dh.
He shouldnt have called you a bully if this is all that happened.
Don't think you should have called her ungrateful though.
Ahe could have said thankyou, but dont think she was ungrateful for refusing your offer.

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:52

The place she changes trains would involve leaving the station (when now she just changes platforms) walking 20 minutes to get the item that can only be purchased from a specific brand shop, then walking back to the station. Her brother is travelling with her and needs to be back for an appointment. This would mean him having to go with her, wait at the station for 40 minutes or leave her on her own.

'Allowing me' to take her to get it, waiting, and dropping at the station is easy. But she prefers her dad to get it now, or walk 40 minutes . Rather than let me assist. I won't deny I find that hurtful. But will no doubt get over it. I've never 'had words' with her before.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 07/10/2017 18:54

When you say she has gone on about it all afternoon - in what way? - moaning about that fact that her dad wouldn;t go and get the thing for her ? Or moaning for some reason about your offer?

I actually think it sounds like a fairly normal interchange with a teen - they get worked up about the most obscure things, and there's no fathoming what the problem is, so best to let them chunter on and ignore I find Grin)

The main problem seems to be your DH making a massive deal about it all - telling a teenager who is being a bit grumpy to pack it in is hardly bullying. In fact by sitting with her on the sofa he is effectively excluding you and making you feel bad - that's more like bullying behaviour.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 18:54

So she doesn't want your help - so don't give it

Let your DH take them and he can deal with the fall out from their mother

roundaboutthetown · 07/10/2017 18:57

I don't think your dd was ungrateful not to take you up on the offer - ungrateful would be taking you up on the offer and not saying thank you. Inthinkmyour dh totally overreacted - maybe he feels bad about not being able/allowed to drive her himself and is taking his unnecessary guilt out on you. Maybe your dd didn't want to leave the house early and felt she was being chased back to her mother's house early when she wanted to maximise the time she spends with her dad. Basically, none of you showed much empathy for anyone else's point of view and your dh made a mountain out of a molehill and upset everyone.

MatildaTheCat · 07/10/2017 18:57

I'm with you in that she was being rude and ungrateful. As a teen I did something really similar to my dad, I just went through a really unrational phase of dispising him. As a practised parent of teens you know these things aren't personal. Difficult not to rise to the bait but a flat, 'ok, your choice.' would have been better.

Dh was definitely unreasonable in what he said.

Hard as it is, be the bigger person and do a nice thing to bond this evening with dsd and remember that 13 is agony and even after all this time it's not easy being in her position.

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2017 18:58

You are still focussing your anger on her, whereas she did not say anything just acted like a normal teenager it's your husband you should be angry at

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:58

She only started the 'going on' when he was back from the last trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:59

He hasn't got it for her. No one is speaking to me. I am the definite bad guy here.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/10/2017 19:00

"But she prefers her dad to get it now, or walk 40 minutes ."

Fine-I'd be glad to not have to bother!

Floellabumbags · 07/10/2017 19:02

I do need to explain the driving thing. DH has a medical condition that does not prohibit him driving (by DVLA and his GP standard) but the children's mother doesn't think it's safe, so to save hassle, I drive the children

You both sound delightful.

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 07/10/2017 19:02

Op - I can't see any bullying behaviour from you at all. think DSD prob being teenager etc. Think your DH out of line though - is this normal for him to treat you like this? I'd leave them to it for a bit and be bright and breezy for supper and again tomorrow. I wouldn't attempt bringing up the subject again with either of them this weekend but see how DH is - some sort of a chat is in order. You sound a lovely step-mum. It can sometimes be very hard and sometimes no problem at all. Hope the rest of your weekend is peaceful

Ebony69 · 07/10/2017 19:02

There's nothing ungrateful about what your dsd did. Ungrateful would have been you doing exactly what you'd proposed to do for her (giving her the lift) and her accepting the lift and not thanking you for it. It sounds as if you have a bruised ego and that your reason for making the offer was about making yourself feel good about your kind deed. She robbed you of the opportunity and you didn't like it.

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 07/10/2017 19:03

I was the bad guy last Sat night by the way but we have sorted it out now. I feel for you Flowers

DermotOLogical · 07/10/2017 19:04

This is one of the most ridiculous threads I have ever seen.

All of you calm the fuck down. Are you 13 as well?

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/10/2017 19:06

I suspect that it is either

1/ if dad loves me he will get it for me
or
2/ If I can't have it now I am growing up and can get it myself.
or a combination of both 1 and 2

diddl · 07/10/2017 19:08

So why didn't your husband get it on one of his many trips out?

It was kind of you to offer, but hard to understand why you are so pissed off that she didn't take up your offer.

Seems as if both you & your husband have overreacted.

Have you apologised to her for calling her ungrateful?

permatiredmum · 07/10/2017 19:12

I can't see how saving you a job makes her an ungrateful brat.It sounds like there is a lot of backstory to this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship. It sounds as though she lives 2 train journeys away from the station where you are dropping her so probably doesn't know the town that well

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 19:17

I've previously read enough of your posts to not like your husband very much. I don't remember many of the specifics, but I do remember he's very hard on your DS (with ASD/ADHD?) especially in regards to money and that he is secretive around his earnings and doesn't 'share' money despite being a high earner. Your kids. His kids.

HE is the bully in your relationship.

If your financial arrangements haven't changed, I hope you're charging the tight git taxi rates for running 'his kids' around.

Teenagers are weird creatures at times. I'd have said 'No, you get it on the way to the station or not at all. You're not to leave the station where you change trains'. She shouldn't be making her DB do that or be making him late.

Then DH would have got both barrels. How dare he call you a bully then snuggle up with the little bugger. He should have told her to take up your kind offer or go without.

They should not be 'ganging up' on you, but does he actually make any effort to actually do stuff with her when she's there?

pandarific · 07/10/2017 19:17

I'm on your side OP. Fuck the pair of them.

Petalflowers · 07/10/2017 19:17

Don’t like you are being a bully, but in fact was trying to help her by offering to go early. Maybe ‘ungrateful’ was a tad excessive, but she does sound a bit spoilt.

HolyShet · 07/10/2017 19:19

She wanted her dad to get it.
You've no need to feel hurt - it wasn't the thing that mattered, it was the parental servitude. You had no need to call her ungrateful. You should have just said "ok".
Your DP is being an arse.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2017 19:21

Op. Why don’t you ask your husband why he thinks you’re an abusive bully. In this thread you’ve posted yourself as the angel of mercy who has done nothing wrong. This may be thr case, but there also may be a reason your family feel this way about you. So ask them. We can’t guess.

Either your husband is an over sensitive deranged nutter or there is something more in your behaviour. If you don’t know what it is, ask him. Because we don’t know.

kali110 · 07/10/2017 19:24

She wanted her dad op.
Maybe she just wanted to spend a little bit of time with him without
Stepsiblings.
She didn't need to be called ungrateful.
If you only said this then you certainly didn't need to be called abusive!

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